


Not your fault

by Mijramia



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, How much are you ready to endure for the love of your life?, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Physical Abuse, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:21:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 49,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28344537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mijramia/pseuds/Mijramia
Summary: Have you ever wondered why Julian and Palis broke up? Well, it was not because of Palis. And it was not because of Julian. And it certainly wasn't because of Paris. It was because of René Delon and his abusive relationship towards his future son-in-law…
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

**Not your fault**

_~ Take my hand and let me lead you off the ledge ~_

By Mijra

**Disclaimer** : I do not own Star Trek, its characters or any of its concepts. I just love telling stories. And if you're enjoying yourself while reading this piece of fiction, that's all I could have hoped for.^^

**Note on the timeline:**

This story is set during Julian's final year at Starfleet Medical Academy and therefore three years after the events of The Secrets We Keep. It's not mentioned in either story but Palis and Julian started dating soon after the events of TSWK and have been a couple ever since. Even if this story is some kind of sequel to TSWK, it can be read as a standalone. The only thing you might have to know is that Marin, together with Alan, is one of Julian's closest friends at the Academy and that it was Marin who first introduced Julian to Palis because they attended the same ballet lesson at the Academy.

**Warnings:**

I honestly don't know where this story came from. It just popped up in my head one day and within two days I had the whole story arc laid out. Julian is going through a lot of emotional and physical abuse. So be aware! Just with TSWK, I felt so sorry for him at the end, and I wished that things had turned out differently for Julian and Palis. But even if this is fanfiction, I do not want to change the show canon. I write my stories so they would fit into the show canon, so there wasn't really much choice how to end this story. Finally, it's the first time one of my stories will have some sexual interactions. They are not described in detail and you won't even find any explicit words but one of them is a non-con scene which is why I need to warn you in advance. If I was to describe the genre of this story it would be a very strange mix of romance, Christmas, emotional and physical abuse and h/c. So be aware XD I hope you like reading it as much as I loved writing it!

**\- Prolog -**

_San Francisco – Christmas Day, December 25th, 2368_

It was the persistent beeping of an incoming call that woke her.

Sleepily, Marin blinked and cursed the perfect timing. It was in the middle of the night, exactly four hours before her shift at the hospital would begin and whoever was calling her better had a very good excuse for doing so.

She shoved the bedcover aside, got up and took her dressing gown from the chair while she went over into the living room to answer the call.

"Computer, lights" she yawned. Then she brushed her black hair back behind her ears and sat down in front of the desktop computer interface. The computer gave off a little chirp when she activated the screen.

About to utter an unfriendly remark about ringing people out of bed in the middle of the night, the words stuck in her throat when she saw the person calling on the other side. Someone she had least of all expected to see.

It was Julian.

And he was a miserable sight. He looked ashen, unshaven and his hair rumpled as if he had just gotten out of bed and forgot to have a look into the mirror before leaving his quarters. For a moment, her sleepy mind wondered why it would be bright day on the other side, but then she recalled that Julian was in Paris right now and that it must be morning where he was.

"Julian? What… what happened?" she asked with a worried frown as she bent closer toward the monitor, still blinking to adjust her eyes to the sudden brightness.

"Marin… I-I'm sorry," the young man on the other side stuttered awkwardly. "I-I didn't want to wake you. I know, it's in the middle in the night but… I-I… I don't know what to do," he said in such a rush that it made it hard to understand him. He looked utterly lost, and hurt. His eyes were wide with distress, as if he really had no clue what to do and the only thing that had come to his mind was calling her. He seemed out of breath, as if he had been running. He was wearing a white shirt and only now did she notice that his shirt was buttoned up the wrong way as if he'd dressed in a hurry.

That made every alarm bell in her mind start to ring. She hadn't seen him this flustered and agitated in a long time. Within moments, she was fully awake.

"Julian, what's wrong? Is it about Palis? Is she okay?"

He rubbed at his eyes and shook his head. "No… I mean yeah… she… she's okay." A pained expression crossed his face and he closed his eyes as if he were trying to gather himself and force himself to calm down.

"Marin, I… I don't think I can put up with this any longer," he said weakly, and she thought she saw tears brim in the corner of his eyes. Even though he was fighting it, he was obviously close to breaking into tears. His shoulders were trembling, and she knew him too long not to notice that he was inches away from panicking.

"Julian, where are you? Are you home?" She urged and when he nodded weakly she said: "Get over to the replicator and get some water with ice. Now!"

He was shaking and swaying when he stood up to move over to the replicator outside the computer camera's field of vision. When he came back, he held a glass full of water.

"Now drink," Marin commanded and to her great worry, he complied without even questioning her order. The ice water seemed to have the desired effect, though. Julian grimaced, but when he'd finished the water, he looked a little clearer.

"So now tell me, Julian, what's wrong? What happened?" she urged, her heart beating up into her mouth. She knew that Julian wouldn't call her unless it was a real emergency. Even though she couldn't even begin to guess what that would be. "Did Palis and you have a row?" she took a shot into the dark.

"It's not Palis. It's… It's René Delon, her father," Julian finally said and she thought she saw a shudder course through him when he spoke the name. Anger was warring shame and disbelief in his eyes. "He's sick, Marin. I've never met a sicker person in my life." His voice almost broke. "He's a bastard. He's evil and cruel and sadistic and…" The anger that accompanied his words quickly dissipated until Julian's voice was barely above a whisper, as if he had run out of energy. "I… I don't think I can do this any longer. Marin, I need to get away from here," he almost pleaded – and his forlorn sight broke her heart.

"Julian, wait! I don't know what happened, but don't rush things," she urged. "It's December. We still have another three months to go. You can't quit your medical training now. If you quit now, you won't be permitted to the medical finals. Whatever you do, promise me you won't do anything stupid!" Whatever had happened, it was the one thing she couldn't allow him to do. It was like throwing everything away he'd worked for so hard. She couldn't believe that he was even considering it.

"Marin, I can't…" he whispered miserably.

"Julian, what did he do? What happened?"

Julian avoided her worried gaze, his cheeks strangely flushed. "Can… can we meet?"

It was obvious that he didn't want to talk about what had happened between him and Mr. Delon over the commline.

"Of – of course! I have to be back to work in four hours and I have to assist at some surgery this afternoon, but I'll beam over as soon as I'm done here. I promise! Do you think you can hold out until then?"

Julian closed his eyes and swallowed. He made a sound that very much sounded like he was sniffling. Then he nodded. "Y-yeah… I guess I can manage…"

"Can you stay away from Mr. Delon until then? Do you have to work in the hospital today?"

"No," he whispered. "I have the day off…"

Marin nodded. "Good. I don't know what happened but try to stay out of Mr. Delon's sight. I'll be there with you as soon as I can."

"Thank you, Marin," the young man on the other side choked, quickly wiping at the corner of his eyes with the back of his hand. She found herself wondering what had happened between Julian and Palis' father that had left Julian so shaken and hurt. He wasn't one for losing control over his emotions so easily.

"We'll figure it out, Julian, I promise! I'll see you tonight! I'll be there as soon as I can!"


	2. Chapter 2

**\- Chapter 1 -**

_Paris, October 23rd, 2368 – two months earlier_

"Hey," a soft voice came from the door.

Julian Bashir let the PADD he'd been reading down and turned. When he saw who was carrying two big grocery bags and poking her head into the living room, a broad grin spread across his face.

"Palis, you're early," he said as he jumped up from the couch and hurried over to help the young woman with the bags. "I thought your training wouldn't be over for another hour at least."

"Aren't you happy to see me?" she teased, even as she bent close and they kissed.

"Speaking of being home early, how did your day go? Did my father treat you well today?" Palis asked as she went about bringing the groceries over into the kitchen and he followed in her wake. She insisted that he needed to eat some real food. That was why she had made it her job to bring him fresh fruit and vegetables from the market whenever she had the chance to stop by after one of her training sessions. He'd told her before that he didn't care eating whatever his replicator would gorge out but Palis could be very persistent. So he'd promised her to get himself some real food every now and then – which she had taken as an invitation to supply him with every vitamin rich thing she could get her hands on.

"Aaah, well…" Julian stalled, helping her put the grocery items into the right places, wondering when on earth he'd have the time to eat, least of all cook all these things. "Your father's… nice."

Palis turned and raised a questioning brow, producing another eggplant out of the bag. "He's intimidating you," her lips curled up into a mischievous grin as if she knew exactly that she had hit the mark.

"No!" Julian quickly defended himself. "Well… sort of. But hey, he's in charge of the administration of the best hospital in Paris, he's a famous surgeon and he happens to be _your_ father." He sighed as they walked back toward the living room and Julian let himself drop heavily onto the couch.

"I mean, it's not as if I really know him. I spent more time in the company of your father these last three weeks than I did during all the whole last three years. I know your Mum, but I hardly ever met your father. Not unless under official circumstances. It's not that we have much in common – apart from working both in the medical field and being involved with you. He still is more or less a stranger to me. I don't really know why he insisted I do my final medical training at his hospital." Julian quickly shook his head. "I mean, I'm grateful for the chance, I really am. The hospital and its staff, they're all amazing. I really appreciate this opportunity and your father's great and teaching me so much but…"

"I guess it's only natural that you feel tense just being around him," Palis smiled as she sat down on the couch beside him and leaned against him, nestling her head against his shoulder. "He _can_ be quite intimidating if you don't really know him."

Julian grimaced a silent _you don't say_.

"I guess he insisted you do your medical training here in Paris because of me," Palis smiled wistfully. "He knows that we've hardly seen each other the last few months. I'm so busy at the Ballet Academy here and you're so busy with your medical studies. I guess he just wanted to give us some time together. You know, he _can_ be nice and caring if he wants to."

Julian couldn't help a chuckle. "He's not _that_ bad," he conceded with a laugh. "Just… demanding. He knows a lot of stuff and he takes every time to show me. I really appreciate this chance. It's just that I don't want to do anything wrong in front of him and mess things up."

"Stop worrying, Julian!" Palis quipped. "My father won't bite your head off if you're doing something wrong. Which I doubt you even would. You're a student. You're still in medical training. Take it as a chance to hone your skills – without having to take all the responsibility that comes along."

"It's not that easy, Palis. I need to do the medical training for six months and then I'll be admitted to the medical finals. It wouldn't really do my career any good if I got kicked out of the training because I messed something up. That's why I'm so nervous. I don't want to do anything wrong. I need some good references from your father. My whole graduation depends on it," Julian sighed and rubbed his eyes. It was the one thing he'd already spent countless of sleepless nights over. He was getting along with Mr. Delon quite nicely, but he did have a certain respect for the man, and he didn't dare imagine what would happen if he ever upset or displease him.

Palis placed a warm hand on his neck, gently massaging it, as if she knew exactly what was on his mind.

"So it's all the more important that you relax. You're working too much. Even in the last three weeks you've spent so much time in the hospital that we hardly see each other. I'm not sure if your other classmates are as engaged as you are. You came all the way over to Paris and we should use this unique chance we're given." She nestled up even closer. "I miss you, Julian. Ever since you've come here, you seem even busier than before."

Julian couldn't help a mischievous grin as he lay an arm around her shoulders and drew her into a soft embrace. "Well, things would have been a lot easier, if you're father hadn't insisted on keeping us stay at separate places in the first place."

Palis rolled her eyes at him. "You know my father, or by now you probably got to know him well enough to know how old-fashioned he can be. It's not his fault. He only has the best intentions."

Julian gave her a wry smile.

"So, are you ready to go over to Matt's?" Palis changed topics as she untangled herself from his arms.

For a short moment, Julian couldn't quite follow. But then the realization hit. With all his work, he'd completely forgotten Matt's birthday party. It was today. And from the look on Palis' face he knew that she expected him to come with her. He cursed himself. How could he have forgotten?

"Oh, Palis… I-I'm sorry…" he shook his head, hating himself for his words. Now that he thought about it, she'd told him more than a week ago. And at that time, he really had been looking forward to it. Until work had gotten in the way. He felt miserable for having to disappoint her again. He half expected her to be angry at him, but instead she came over, and gently kissed his head.

"I thought so," she smiled sadly, "more work at the hospital?"

Julian nodded. "Your father asked me to take over the night shift at the emergency ward tonight."

"But you've already worked your normal shift, Julian," Palis looked at him in worry. "You cannot work double shifts so often. It's not as if they were short of staff at my father's hospital. You need some time off. I don't see why my father needs _you_ to do the shift tonight."

Julian sighed, and rubbed his tired eyes. "I guess it's that famous _a doctor's work never ends_ he's decided to teach me first…"

"Promise me you won't overdo it, Julian. You're a _student,_ not a fulltime doctor. At least not yet." There was genuine worry in her eyes when she searched his face. "Even the best doctor needs time to wind down."

"He probably wants to get me used to double shifts and the lack of sleep right from the beginning," Julian joked but didn't really mean it. Palis cupped his face with one hand and gently stroke over his cheek bone.

"I'm afraid he's putting you through too much. I know that he can be very demanding. And I'm afraid you will comply with his orders just because you are you. I know you, Julian."

Julian lay a hand over hers. "I'll try my best to not get carried away by my passion."

She gave him a loving kiss and smiled. "I'll take your word for it."

=/\=

It was already dark when Julian arrived at the Paris Central Hospital. Even though it was only the end of October, the air was cold and crisp, and he wrapped his muffler tighter around his neck and rubbed both hands together to bring some warmth back into them. His apartment was located only a fifteen minutes' walk away but the short walk through the cold night air had done wonders to his tiredness.

He hurried up the broad flight of stairs that led up to the hospital entrance and checked the chronometer next to the double winged door. He let out an inner sigh when he saw that he wasn't as late as he'd feared. It was still half past six, that gave him another fifteen minutes to get ready for work.

He'd been so tired when his normal shift was over that he'd just wanted to stay at home and go to bed. Palis was right. He was working a lot too much recently but right now there wasn't really anything he could do about it. He was in medical training and he needed the good will of Mr. Delon and besides he'd never been one for turning down any favors.

When Mr. Delon had asked him to take over the night shift in the emergency ward tonight, Julian hadn't hesitated. Of course, he would. But only when he'd climbed into the shower at home to banish the fog of tiredness out of his mind, had he noticed that it probably hadn't been one of his cleverer ideas.

With another wistful look at the chronometer, he imagined Palis having fun over at Matt's and felt his mood hit rock bottom. He knew that he was working way too much and that compared to his classmates, his medical training rather had the quality of a boot camp, but it wasn't that he had any influence on it. He was at Mr. Delon's mercy, literally speaking, and he better did his best to measure up to his high expectations unless he wanted to be sent back to Medical Academy prematurely. Besides, he was closer to Palis now, so it wasn't actually _that_ bad. That alone was worth all the trouble her father put him through. He could deal with heaps of work and scant hours of sleep. It was only for another five months anyway. So he hurried up to the third floor, went straight into the locker room and began changing into his medical uniform, his mind already shifting toward the work that would be waiting for him this night.

"Hey," a sudden voice greeted him when he entered the staff room on the third floor.

When he looked up, he saw Magdalena standing in front of him, a medical PADD in one hand and a steaming cup in the other. The always friendly, middle-aged nurse with her round face and easygoing way let out an audible sigh and handed him the cup.

"What's that?" Julian asked but took it all the same, the cup emanating a pleasant warmth in his hands.

"Coffee. You look like you probably need it."

Julian grimaced and took a sip. It was strong and would without doubt help keep him awake for the time being. "Thanks," he said, silently wondering if he really was that bad a sight.

Magdalena arched one brow. "I thought your shift was over three hours ago. What are you doing here again? Don't you have a girlfriend to spend the evening with?"

Julian gave her a wry smile as he took the PADD she was handing him to check the update on his patients. "Actually, I do. She just happens to be my boss's daughter. And he asked me to take over emergency duty tonight."

Magdalena gave a snort. "Either Dr. Delon holds you in really high esteem – or he is trying to make you break up with her," she half joked but then clapped his shoulder. "You're really good at what you're doing. You're one of the best. I hope you know that."

"Thanks," he tried a smile and downed half of the coffee before he set the rest back into the replicator recycling unit. Again, he checked the time and noticed with dismay that he was running late…

He quickly hurried out of the door, his mind already back to work – and almost bumped into someone. He apologized in reflex. But when he saw who he'd so suddenly run into, his heart missed a beat.

"Hey," René Delon smiled, completely oblivious to the young man's discomfort. "Just the man I was searching for!"

Julian felt his cheeks flush and he quickly apologized again but Dr. Delon just dismissed it with a wave of his hand. He was as tall as Julian, with grey hair and a similar grey beard that only served to give him more authority.

"So, did you get some rest and gather some energy?" the older doctor asked as they walked side by side in the direction of the older doctor's office. "I'm sorry that I have to ask you to take over emergency duty tonight. I know how busy your shift was and I'm really sorry to call you up on the carpet again today. But Stevens reported sick this afternoon and we don't have an assistant doctor to take over his job. I hope you don't mind."

Julian quickly shook his head. "I'm glad to be of help."

"I hope you and Palis didn't have any plans for tonight," Dr. Delon said nonchalantly, as they walked toward his office.

"No," Julian said evasively. "Not really."

"Good," Dr. Delon smiled, and Julian wasn't sure if he heard a nuance of relief or disappointment in his tone. He never was sure with Dr. Delon anyway. He was nice and always acted in a gentlemen-like manner, but Julian was never sure about what the man really thought. So he was constantly trying not to say anything wrong or do anything that would displease him. When he'd first met Palis' father, some years ago, he'd been open and friendly, like he was inviting Julian into his family. He'd suggested he call him René. But Julian just couldn't bring himself to take him up on the offer to call him by his first name. It just didn't feel right. And now that he was his mentor, it was simply out of the question.

"Before you start your shift, there's something I would like to discuss with you. But first, we need to see after Ms. Reynolds. Room No. 25, you remember her?"

Julian nodded. He'd memorized by now every patient in every room. He even knew all their medical files by heart. It was time for Ms. Reynolds medication. The old lady had spent the last two weeks in hospital due to a neural condition that took a long time to cure. They'd met shortly after he'd taken up his post as medical trainee and he'd been involved in her treatment ever since. Of course he remembered her.

He wondered why none of the nurses had given Ms. Reynold's her medication because it wasn't exactly a task the doctors in charge usually performed. But then it had been a quiet evening so far and he guessed that Dr. Delon just wanted to check on his patients in person every now and then. Julian let René lead the way, waiting for him to enter first when they came to Ms. Reynold's room. The old lady seemed asleep at first, but when she heard the sound of the door opening, she turned her head toward them. She nodded toward Dr. Delon and when her eyes fell on Julian, a broad smile spread across her old face.

"Dr. Bashir, I didn't expect to see you again today," she said in a warm welcome, as if she was greeting her grandson. "What brings you here at this late an hour?"

He actually wasn't a real doctor yet, but he refrained from correcting her. He'd once told her that he didn't have a medical license and that therefore he wasn't a proper doctor yet, but she didn't seem to mind, insisting on calling him doctor all the same. She was nearly ninety years old, and he just couldn't bring himself to correct her.

He went over to her bed, took her hand and gently squeezed it. "It's time for your medication," he said with a comforting smile. Then he loaded a vial into his hypo, checked it and injected her with it. The old lady's eyelids fluttered for a short moment, and she drew a deep breath.

"There, that's it for today," Julian still smiled as he straightened and check her vitals. Everything seemed fine. She was well responding to the treatment and he was convinced that she would be able to leave hospital in another one or two weeks. "I'll be back to check on you tomorrow. Is there anything I can do for you?"

Ms. Reynolds shook her head, a content smile on her face. "No. Thank you."

"Then I will see you tomorrow for your next therapy." He squeezed her hand again and she nodded gratefully. Then he went back over to Dr. Delon, who had been watching everything from next to the door. But instead of leaving, the older doctor arched one brow.

"Isn't there something you forgot?" was all he said.

For a moment, Julian wasn't sure what Dr. Delon was getting at. "Sir?"

"Ms. Reynolds needs another 50cc cerazol" the older doctor said with a fatherly smile, watching Julian expectantly.

Julian frowned. No, he knew the exact medication. She didn't need another 50cc cerazol – not according to her medical file. He wasn't sure if René knew, though. He was a busy man, and it wouldn't be strange if from time to time he forgot what exactly was written in each patient's file.

"Sir," he said, unsure how to handle the matter. "May I speak to you in private?"

Dr. Delon's smile didn't falter. "I don't think that is necessary, Julian. You can tell me right here."

Julian felt his cheeks flush. He was conscious of the old lady watching them. "According to Ms. Reynolds file she doesn't need another 50cc cerazol, Sir."

Dr. Delon shook his head, a slightly reprimanding look on his face. "I'm sorry, Julian, but the medication was changed in this morning's meeting. You would have known if you'd bothered to have a look into Ms. Reynold's file before seeing her. But obviously you forgot."

It came like a slap across the face.

"But Sir…" he began, just to be interrupted by Dr. Delon.

"Next time I expect you to be better prepared. Being prepared is essential for a good doctor." Then he offered Julian a PADD with a slight sigh, as if he'd already anticipated this to happen.

Ms. Reynold's file. Julian skimmed through its content. There it was. 50cc cerazol. But he was sure that it hadn't been there before, not when he'd last checked this afternoon. Had he really made a mistake? Or had they just forgotten to update the file and corrected their mistake during the few hours he'd been off duty? He didn't know.

"I-I'm sorry, Sir," he said without much alternative and felt his cheeks flush even a brighter red.

"That's what medical training is for," Dr. Delon said with a nod, "to teach you not to forget the basics, no matter how much progress you think you've made. Just don't let it happen again." Something beeped and the older doctor took a small device out of his pocket. His eyes flew over the message.

"I need to check on something. Meet me in my office whenever you're ready. Ms. Reynolds, I'm sorry for the misunderstanding," he said toward Ms. Reynolds, shortly inclined his head and left without another word.

Julian went over to Ms. Reynolds and loaded another vial into his hypo. He didn't meet her eyes because he knew that his embarrassment must be written all over his face. Just when he'd injected her with the content, the old lady lay a hand on his. She looked him straight into the eye.

"He shouldn't have said this. That was very rude of him," she said with concern in her eyes. "You're a good doctor, Julian, believe me." Then she snorted. "The problem's Dr. Delon. Is he always like that?"

Julian tried a smile, even though on the inside his stomach was all knots. "He… he's actually quite nice. He teaches me a lot of things. But he can be very strict as well. Sometimes he makes me feel like I'm completely incapable of things," he said, trying to sound nonchalant.

Ms. Reynolds smiled. "Believe me, you're not. Don't let anyone make you think so. And now off you go. Don't let him wait or he'll come up with something else to reprimand you for."

Julian gave her a wry smile as he pocketed the hypo and said his goodbye to her. Then he went straight to Dr. Delon's office.

When he knocked on the door, he was almost immediately called in.

"I'm sorry, Sir," was the first thing that came over his lips when he'd entered the older doctor's office. René Delon was sitting at his desk, a cup of coffee in front of him, looking busy.

Finally, his head went up and yet again the fatherly smile appeared on his bearded face. "Never mind, Julian. I don't expect it to happen again. Now come and sit, there's something I want to discuss with you."

"Thank you, Sir," Julian said politely, glad that Rene let the topic drop. He quickly took a seat in front of the broad desk.

"Care for some coffee?" Mr. Delon said and went over to the replicator to order another steaming cup. He gave it to Julian, who accepted it with a quick thank you.

"It's been three weeks since you started your medical training here at our hospital. So tell me, Julian, how do you feel? Do you like working here?"

The question didn't come so unexpected. He'd figured that René would want to hear his opinion and get some feedback about his daily work here sooner or later. So he nodded, truthfully. "I can't complain, Sir. Your staff is amazing, the work you do here is amazing. I'm really grateful for the opportunity."

Dr. Delon nodded. "How do you like Paris?" he asked with a smile.

"It's great," Julian said. Again, he didn't have to lie. He did like Paris.

"Good, because I want to make you an offer," Mr. Delon suddenly said and raised a brow. "You're quite a talent, Julian. I heard so from Palis and the teachers at Starfleet Medial Academy, but I wasn't aware of how good you are until you came to us. I don't often say this, but I'm impressed by your skills. You're one of the most talented young physicians I know."

Julian felt himself blush in spite of himself. "Thank you, Sir."

"What would you say if I offered you a permanent post at our hospital after graduation? From there, I could make you head of surgery in only five years." René said, looking him straight into the eye. "You would be able to stay with Palis. You only have to say yes."

Julian wasn't sure he had heard right. He hadn't seen this coming. Whatever René had wanted to talk to him about, he surely hadn't expected him to offer him a post as head of surgery. He was so overwhelmed that he didn't know what to say.

Mr. Delon must have read his thoughts because he quickly held up one hand and smiled. "You don't have to decide now. Take your time. You can take me up on the offer any time you like."

Julian nodded, a second time embarrassed this evening. "Thank you, Sir, that means a lot to me."

And it really did. Because it meant that he would be able to stay in Paris, together with Palis. Her father had just paved the way of a future together for them. He didn't need to think about his offer. Because deep down he'd already made the decision.

"And now I don't want to keep you any longer. Your patients are waiting," René said with a smile, obviously knowing exactly what Julian was thinking at that moment.

=/\=

When he came home the next morning, he felt elated and bone-tired at the same time. He fumbled awkwardly at the controls of his apartment and stumbled into the room as soon as the door whooshed open. His first thought was to tell Palis of the news, so he headed over to the communit and slumped down heavily on the chair.

It was already 6.00 am and it felt as if he'd been awake for ages. His eyelids felt so grainy and tired and threatened to drop shut every second. He quickly called up his messenger program, well aware that Palis must still be asleep at this time. He didn't want to wake her, so he would leave her a recorded message instead.

Only dimly was he aware that his head had sunken down onto his arms while he waited for the program to open. He tried to fight his tiredness, but it was useless. Fatigue was rolling over him like a wave and he couldn't fight it, nor did he really want to any longer. Finally, the program was beeping that it was ready to record a new message. But Julian no longer heard it.

Slumped over his desk, with his head bedded on his arms, he had already fallen asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**\- Chapter 2 -**

_Paris, November 8th, 2368_

"Of course I'll come, _ma Chérie_ ," the older lady said as she bent closer and drew her daughter into a loving embrace.

"I'm so proud of what you're doing, I'd never want to miss one of your performances. You've put so much effort into it. And you're gorgeous when you're on stage." There was sincere pride in Marie Delon's features when she looked at her daughter, lovingly. Her grey hair was done into an intricate bun and her white pearl earrings sparkled whenever she turned her head to look at her daughter. It was really hard to tell her age. It was one of the mysteries Julian had yet to solve.

"Julian will be there as well," Palis beamed as she threw him a quick, conspiratorial glance. When he felt her hand reach for his under the table, he felt himself blush a little.

Marie Delon leaned back, a content smile on her face. "Then you are quite lucky. I don't know many young men who are interested in ballet."

"Oh," Julian grinned, "it's something different if it's your girlfriend who's on stage. I've never seen anyone dance like Palis."

Marie nodded. "When you gave up your medical studies and came back to Paris to enroll in the National Ballet Academy here, I wasn't sure if it was a good idea. I know that ballet has been your passion ever since you were little and oh, how I remember the first time I saw you on stage. But honestly, I was afraid that your ballet training might end the same way your medical studies have. You seemed so happy over at Starfleet Academy and you made so many friends there. It must have been a hard decision for you to give up your medical studies to come back to your family and good old Paris. I was concerned that you wouldn't see this through. But seeing you now, I know that you made the right decision." She took another sip of her coffee and then took the napkin to dap at her mouth. "I was afraid that your relationship with Julian wouldn't last but as it turned out, you two seem to me closer now than ever before." She smiled again and suddenly reached for her bag. She rummaged through its contents until she found what she was looking for. "Speaking of ballet, I have something I wanted to give to you both," she said proudly.

She produced a PADD and quickly activated it. A picture popped up on the screen. When Julian had a closer look, it was a picture of him and Palis. She was wearing a pink tutu skirt and leaning against him that their cheeks almost touched. They both wore happy smiles – and he had an exact idea when the picture had been taken. A grin spread across his face.

"I took it during your last performance two weeks ago," Marie almost beamed as if she was proud of the young couple in the picture. The young couple that was now sitting at the same table, having breakfast with her in one of the more exquisite little cafés in the middle of Paris.

"I remember this one, Marie," Julian laughed. "Palis almost exploded on me on our way home."

"Yeah, because you had the nerve to decline my invitation to have some tea and cake after my performance," Palis pouted.

"It was in the middle of the night!" Julian defended himself.

"You only declined my invitation because you fear that I won't fit into my skirt for the next performance."

"No! That was you. You said yourself that your skirt has gotten so tight that you hardly fit into it anymore and that you blame it on all those eclairs you got from the new coffee shop next to your academy."

Palis thrust a finger at him. "Never tell your girlfriend that she put on weight!"

Julian thrust his hands up in exasperation. "I never said that!"

"I'm glad to see you two are getting along so well together," Marie smiled as she took another sip of her coffee. "It's like you're made for each other. I'm so happy for Palis to have found someone like you, Julian."

Julian felt himself blush. Until a whisper brough him back from his thoughts. "Tell her," Palis whispered with a mischievous smile.

"Tell me what?" Marie arched one brow.

"We… I mean…" Julian began, but couldn't find the right words. He'd known Marie Delon for three years now and it wasn't that he felt uncomfortable in her presence. But they'd only talked about it some days ago and the idea still felt new and unfamiliar to him.

"We're getting married," Palis suddenly burst out, as if she had waited all morning to tell her mother and couldn't hold back the news any longer.

Marie looked taken aback for a second. But then she nodded, as if it didn't really come as a surprise. "When?"

Julian cleared his throat. "After my medical studies. First, I need to finish Medial School and Palis wants to graduate from her Ballet Academy. We're thinking about getting married afterwards, perhaps in the summer next year."

"You know, Maman, it's all thanks to Papa," Palis said. "He offered Julian a post at his hospital after graduation. He said that he's so proud of Julian's work there that he wants to make him head of surgery in only five years. We'll be able to stay together, here in Paris."

Marie looked at Julian and Palis in turn. "That is very good news. I'm very happy for your two."

"Have you already told your father?" Marie asked, but this time her tone was somewhat cooler. It was no wonder. Palis' parents had divorced a long time ago. As far as Julian knew, they barely saw least of all spoke to each other these days. He'd never seen them interact, but as far as he knew from Palis, Marie didn't speak very fondly of her former husband. He didn't know what had happened between the two of them or why they were no longer on speaking terms, but according to Palis it had never been any different ever since their divorce when Palis was still little. He'd felt sorry for her when she'd first told him but Palis insisted that it wasn't a big deal for her. For her it was just as things were, she couldn't even remember it ever having been different. In contrast to her mother, Palis still loved her father. Even though Julian had never spent family time with Palis and her father like he had with Palis and her mother, he knew that Palis and her father were quite close.

"Yes," Palis beamed. "I told him yesterday. He was very happy for me. I think he wasn't really surprised. It was his idea to let Julian do his medical training at his hospital after all."

"That's good," Marie nodded. Then she turned to Julian. "Would you mind getting me another cup of coffee, Julian?"

Even though she didn't say it aloud, Julian got the clue. She wanted to speak to her daughter alone. He instantly got up. "No, of course not," he said with a smile and left the table to head for the counter to order some fresh coffee.

He wondered what Marie wanted to talk to her daughter about, but then he shook his head. It was none of his business and he'd never been one for poking his head into other people's business.

He patiently waited for the waiter to brew the fresh coffee, while he busied himself with watching the passers-by out in the streets. The weather had taken a turn for the worse and it was now raining, with wind blowing the last fallen leaves through the cold streets outside.

When he got the coffee, he lingered another moment at the counter, but with nothing much to do he finally headed back to their table at the far end of the little café. Even though he didn't want to eavesdrop, he couldn't help overhearing the final part of Palis' and Marie's conversation.

" _I'm really not sure, if this is a good idea. I was skeptical about him doing his medical training at your father's hospital, but a permanent post here after graduation? You know your father, Palis. You know how he can be. I really like Julian. He' such a nice young man. I want the two of you to be happy together. The last thing I want is to see him get hurt. I'm just worried. Please, promise me to take care of him, will you?"_

He wondered what Marie meant, but he wasn't supposed to have overheard their conversation, so he donned a pleasant expression as he brought over Marie's new coffee.

"Thank you, Julian," the older lady smiled at him as if her earlier conversation with Palis had never taken place.

They spent the rest of the morning talking about Julian's work at the hospital, about Palis' upcoming performance, about Marie's new hobby and the latest art exhibition in Paris. By the time they said goodbye to each other, Julian had eaten so many sweet dishes that he felt like he wouldn't bring down anything else for the rest of the day. They wished Marie a good day and promised to meet again next week. Palis then linked arms with him and they made their way back home – until Palis suddenly pulled him to a stop with a mischievous grin. It was still raining slightly, and he wanted to get back home and out of the drizzle as quickly as possible, but Palis didn't seem to mind the bad weather. That was what he loved about her. She was one of the most positive and cheerful persons he knew.

"Let's go to another café!" she said, suddenly pulling him with her. "There's a place I wanted to show you. It's opened a month ago. And they serve the best coffee in Paris! I promise you'll like it!"

The prospect of having even more coffee was anything but tempting but Julian just sighed and let Palis lead the way. It was not that he had any plans for today. It was one of his rare days off and he'd promised Palis to spend it with her – and with her alone. So, if it made her happy to drag him across Paris from one little café to the next, he was willing to play along.

It didn't take them long to reach their destination. It was not as upscale as the last, but it had a warm atmosphere about it and Julian followed Palis inside with a wry smile.

When they entered, the woman at the counter greeted them, telling them that they should try the cinnamon rolls because they were what the café obviously was famous for. Palis said she would have one, but Julian politely declined and settled for another cup of coffee instead. There were many free tables, most of them with inviting couches instead of chairs. They settled down at a table with a broad beige couch, with their backs toward the rest of the room to give them some privacy.

"So, would you mind telling me why we needed to stop by yet another café?" Julian joked as he leaned back and Palis snuggled up to him. He put an arm around her, and she leaned her head against his chest.

"It's your free day. And I want to spend all of it with you. I don't want you to be called away by an emergency. I don't want you to get home and see some PADD you still need to prepare for your next shift. I want to be with you, Julian. Just the two of us."

He smiled. "And that is why you chose to not let me get back home and instead stuff me full of sweets and other stuff so that I won't be able to run away?" He kissed her on her head. Then he sighed because he knew that she was right. His mind probably would spin back to work the moment he stepped back into his apartment. "I'm sorry, Palis." And he really meant it. He knew that it was not exactly what she had hoped for when he'd told her that he'd come over to Paris to spend the next half year with her.

"Don't be," she said. "It's not your fault. I know that my father takes your medical training a little too seriously. I know how strict and dedicated he can be…"

Julian regarded her for a long moment. "Do you know the real reason why your parents broke up?" He was afraid that she would mind the sudden change in topics, but Palis just shook her head and snuggled up closer.

"It was such a long time ago. I was still small when they divorced. Maman won't talk about it, at least not in detail. She mentioned once that after their marriage, she got to know my father in a way she'd never expected. But he's never beaten her or anything like that," she hurried to add. "It's more like they married at a young age and were so in love that they didn't think much about their future. And once I was there, everything just started to fall apart. Maman says that it was not my fault. It's hard to tell what exactly went wrong between them as she rarely talks about my father. And whenever she does, she usually pulls him to pieces…"

"Did he cheat on her?" Julian couldn't help but ask.

"No. Neither of them cheated on the other. She just said that their relationship wasn't a healthy one and that they had been bound to break up sooner or later," Palis shrugged.

"And your father?"

"He's not the same as Maman. He _does_ talk about their time together; sometimes he sounds almost wistful. But he usually doesn't talk in a bad way about her." Palis frowned, looking into the middle distance as if she were miles away. "Sometimes I wonder why she hates him so much. He's always been caring and loving toward me. He'd do anything for me. He wasn't even angry at me for dropping out of medical school."

Julian gently stroked her hair. "That might be because no one could be angry with you."

"As long as I can think back, I grew up between Maman and Papa. And even if others might find it strange, it was completely normal for me."

Then she sighed and looked up at him. "Speaking of parents, have you told your parents yet?"

"N-No," he blurted in spite of himself. He knew that it had come too quickly. The mere thought of telling his parents about their marriage was terrifying. He could already hear his father's disapproving voice in his mind, telling him that he was too young to get married. That he should thoroughly think about his actions before he did something stupid. That he had put so much effort into medical school and entering Starfleet that staying in Paris and working at Mr. Delon's hospital would seem a waste of effort. In his mind he was already arguing with his father that he was old enough to make his own decisions, but he knew that once he'd be face to face with his father, his efforts of expressing his own will would be fruitless.

"No… I haven't… yet," he said, trying to sound casual.

"That's okay," Palis said as she gently squeezed his shoulder. "We have every time in the world. But I'd love to see them again. It's been a year, hasn't it?"

Julian nodded in silence. "My mother's birthday is in two weeks. She asked me to come and bring you along…" He had intended to keep it a secret. When his mother had asked, or literally begged him to come over to spend her birthday with her, he'd been reluctant at first. Giving it a second thought, it was completely out of the question. She'd asked him to take Palis along, and the last thing he felt like doing was bringing his girlfriend over to his parents' for interrogation. He didn't even know why he told her now.

"That's great, Julian," Palis exclaimed. "We should go."

Julian shook his head. "I don't know…"

"Do it for them," Palis watched him intently. She knew that their relationship wasn't as close as those of Palis and her mother. But there were things he hadn't told her yet. And perhaps never would. So, the less time she spent around his parents, the better.

"You haven't been home in one year, Julian. If you ask me, you could indulge them every now and then. They are your parents, after all."

"I know," he said miserably.

She must have noticed his sinking spirits, for she suddenly sat up. "You know, you need some cheering up. First my father, now your parents. What about I'll get us some cinnamon rolls? The ones this café is famous for? They're bound to lift your mood!"

"But you've already had one!" Julian said in half-disbelief.

Palis didn't answer but drew herself up – and immediately plummeted back down, ducking her head as if she were hiding from something.

"You okay?" he asked, slightly amused.

Palis grimaced. "No," she said solemnly. "My father's here."

Julian arched one brow. "And that's why you need to go into hiding?"

Palis pulled a face. "No, it's why I have to hide _you_ from him. I don't want him to see us here. If he sees you, he'll come up with another excuse to pull you back to his hospital." Then her face softened. "And that's exactly what I can't allow him to do. Because you see, I have plans for you this evening. And I will be damned if I let him ruin everything."

Julian couldn't even ask what that plans might involve when she rummaged through her bag and pulled out a small pocket mirror. She opened it and held it above her head, so that she could see the scenery behind their couch where her father was presumably ordering some coffee at the counter.

"Palis," he half laughed. "What are you doing? This is no secret agent holosuite program."

Palis' eyes concentrated on the mirror. "He's not looking. He's reading something. We have to get out of here. Now is the chance."

Julian felt like an idiot when they packed their things and ducked round the couch. He was just about to comment on it to Palis, when he saw her father sitting at the counter, some PADDS stacked before him and a cup of coffee on the other side. He didn't seem to have noticed them, his back still turned towards them.

"Hurry!" Palis hissed and pulled him with her before he could utter another word of protest. Julian stumbled behind her, hurrying out of the café into the fresh November air. Only when the door closed shut in their backs, did Palis exhale a long breath. "That was close!"

She took another deep breath – and suddenly broke into laughter. Julian couldn't help a chuckle. He still hoped no one had been watching them. "Was that really necessary?"

"You know my father. Let's get away from here before he happens to look out of the window and sees us."

=/\=

It was late at night when they finally lay cuddled up together in bed. Palis' bed to be exact. They had spent the rest of the day at Palis' place. She'd insisted on making dinner for them and Julian had enjoyed the rare chance to spend a full day with her. Not much later, Julian got to know what Palis' plans for that night had been.

They enjoyed sleeping with each other. It was the perfect ending for a perfect day. They took their time as they didn't have to fear that something or someone would disturb them.

When they finally collapsed next to each other, they were drained but happy. Julian couldn't believe that he had found the girl he'd want to spend the rest of his life with. Palis was perfect in every way. He gently stroked her hair, kissing her cheek instead of giving an answer when she asked what he was thinking.

They kept talking for a long time. Only when Julian's eyelids felt heavier with every waking minute, and Palis yawned uncontrollably, did they decide to call it a night.

"You know," Julian mumbled, even when they drifted off to sleep. "It's actually the first time I sleep over at yours."

"You're not afraid of my father, are you?" Palis teased with an impish smile.

"Of course not," Julian retorted with mock indignation. Still, it was the first time since he came to Paris that they spent the night at Palis' place. He wondered when exactly they had reached the point where René Delon had come to dominate their private life. They were adults, after all. When René had first expressed that he didn't want Julian to sleep over at Palis', both had accepted it with a shrug. Palis had described her father as old-fashioned, and he'd never said anything about Palis not sleeping over at Julians'. They hadn't thought much about it but had almost unconsciously kept to the invisible line René had drawn. Crossing it for the first time felt odd.

With a sigh, Julian closed his eyes. Palis snuggled up to him and soon they had fallen asleep.

=/\=

It was the persistent beeping of the commline that woke them.

Julian blinked, only slowly coming back from sleep. He rubbed his eyes and squinted at the chronometer next to Palis' bed. It was 0300 in the morning.

"Palis," he gently nudged her, "wake up. You have a call."

"I don't care…" she mumbled and buried her head under her pillow. But it was no good. The beeping didn't stop. So whoever was trying to contact her, thought it was urgent. She must have drawn the same conclusion because with a groan she finally climbed out of bed and lit her bedside lamp.

"Sorry," she whispered as she padded sleepily over into the other room to the communit and answered the call. "Yes?" she said in no particularly good mood.

Even though he couldn't see the face of the person on the other side, he did recognize the voice immediately. And it made a cold shiver run down his spine.

"Tell Julian that there's an emergency and I need him at the hospital in half an hour. And tell him to have the good grace to show up in another outfit than yesterday."

It were only two sentences, but they were like a bucket of ice water being emptied over him. The voice sounded gruff, and full of disapprove. The room went silent again, the only sound Palis' footsteps slowly coming back to the bedroom.

"My father," Palis said as she sank down onto the bed next to him. She looked at him apologetically. "He… didn't even give me the chance to lie to him."

Julian felt his mood hit rock bottom. "How did he know that I was here?"

"Perhaps he tried it at your place and when you wouldn't answer, he tried it at mine?" Palis said softly, gently stroking his shoulder as if to comfort him. But Julian didn't feel like being comforted. He felt angry. And embarrassed.

"Don't tell me, your father doesn't do it on purpose," he said grumpily, as he climbed out of bed and started to get dressed. He had absolutely no clue why René needed to see him in the middle of the night. "He's enjoying it."

Palis gave him a commiserate smile. But she didn't argue with him either.

"See you tomorrow," he said as he bent down to kiss her. "I'll call you." Then he hurried out of the apartment, trying to banish the tiredness out of his mind while at the same time he hoped that René had a very good excuse to ring him out of bed in the middle of the night.


	4. Chapter 4

**\- Chapter 3 -**

_Paris, November 25th, 2368_

It was an extremely busy day.

It all started when a group of youths decided to hold a secret party in the middle of the night where not only a lot of fun was involved but also a lot of alcoholic substances, some of which weren't exactly allowed in the Federation. Julian had no idea how they had managed to get their hands on such dangerous stuff, but they were lucky to have been found by one kid's parents whereupon they had been directly brought over to get the toxic substances out of their systems.

Then he had to deal with a workman who'd slipped off a ladder on a construction site, breaking not only several ribs but also both arms. He'd just finished tending to the older man with Dr. Selaran when an alarm had him race down the corridor to another patient who'd suddenly gone into seizures. He'd stabilized the man and had immediately been called away to attend the morning conference to report on his patients' status.

Right in the middle of it, an emergency call had the whole staff erupt into chaos when an explosion at a municipal office near the hospital had claimed not only several wounded but also three dead. Within minutes, a variety of specialists had been dispatched to the emergency site while the rest of the staff had swarmed out to prepare for incoming wounded. Another half an hour later, Julian was just about to get himself more coffee in the staff room when a deep voice suddenly called out.

"Julian, there you are!"

When he looked up, René Delon was coming through the door with the same pleasant expression he always wore.

"I was looking for you. I need some information on Mr. Carter in room No. 14. I don't think we discussed his condition in the meeting. Can you give me an update?" When René's eyes fell on the cup in his hands, he arched one brow, knowingly. "Busy day?"

Julian grimaced. "One of the busier ones…" He set the cup back down into the recycler unit, quickly disposing of it. "Shall we go to your office, Sir?"

"Yes," René nodded. "There are some other files I wanted to check as well. If you could just spare some minutes…"

He couldn't finish the rest of the sentence. The door to the staff room was banged open and one of the nurses came rushing in. Julian didn't recall her name but recognized her from the neurological ward on the floor below.

"Dr. Delon!" she panted, as if she had just searched the whole hospital for him. "We have an emergency. There's something wrong with Ms. Mueller. Her vitals have dropped to a dangerous level and I'm afraid she'll slip into a coma. Dr. Mester is with her but we need you there immediately, Sir."

Mr. Delon didn't even blink as he gestured for her to take the lead. He wasn't even out in the corridor when another voice called from the distance. A medic from the ER. "Sir, I'm so glad I've found you. We have a medical emergency. It's a young boy. They just brought him in. He suffered an anaphylactic shock. He's deteriorating fast but I can't find a doctor. They're all in surgery."

Julian could see a dark frown cross Dr. Delon's face. "What do you mean by they're all in surgery? What about Dr. Sloktek's group? We surely have a free doctor to take care of the boy."

The medic shook his head. "Dr. Sloktek and his group are over at the emergency site, tending to the wounded. Half of our staff is currently out of hospital, and the remaining doctors have their hands full."

Dr. Delon froze. "What about Michael? He's in operation room 3 and should be finished by now."

The medic grimaced. "He's still in surgery. They say it'll take another 15 minutes at least until he gets out. Dr. Kelaran and Dr. T'Per are in surgery as well."

For a short moment, René stared into the middle distance, as if he were thinking hard. Then he snapped out of his stupor and turned toward him. "Julian, you'll take care of the boy. Michael will be with you as soon as he can."

"But…" Julian said, not sure that he had heard right. He was only a medical trainee, not even a proper assistant doctor. All alone and without supervision, he was practically of no use.

"You're specialized in pediatrics. Now hurry. There's no time to lose. I'll send Michael over to you as soon as he's finished."

René's tone didn't leave room for objections. Without another word the older doctor turned and hurried after the nurse, leaving Julian standing alone in the middle of the corridor. For a moment, Julian stared at Dr. Delon's retreating back, utterly unsure what to do. But with no real alternative, he followed the medic back toward the emergency ward, running through the corridors until they came to the surgery room where a group of nurses was already clustered around one biobed.

He quickly donned his surgical gown, disinfected his hands and stepped inside.

His eyes instantly sought the young boy on the biobed. He looked bad. His face was as white as chalk and only one look at the medical chart above his head told him that they barely had any time to lose. The kid's slender form was shaking, and it was only a matter of minutes until the makeshift drug to keep him stabilized would lose its effect.

"What happened?" Julian quickly checked with the nurses.

"Anaphylactic shock. He's an asthmatic patient and when they changed his medication, it turned out he's allergic against the new substance. His parents have brought him in. He took his last shot half an hour ago and his mother said that his condition started to deteriorate soon after. He was playing outside when he suddenly collapsed and fell down from quite some height on the playground. He's suffered internal injuries. The emergency team was able to stabilize him until he got here."

With a thumping heart, Julian looked at the chronometer next to the door. "When will Dr. Shepard's surgery be finished?"

The middle-aged woman went over to check a data panel on the wall. "He hasn't left surgery yet. They're still in the middle of it," she stated matter-of-factly.

Julian checked the boy's vitals. His blood pressure was dangerously low, and his heart rate was sinking. His breaths came shallow and fast, the boy's breathing presumably blocked. He didn't have another 15 minutes. Probably not even five… Julian's heart was racing.

They needed to counteract the shock and check how far his internal injuries went. He flung open his tricorder, realizing with a start that the boy had lost a lot of blood already. Time was running against him.

Everything in him screamed at him to get down to work as quickly as possible. But he fought down the urge to let himself be carried away by the urgency of the situation because he knew that he would get into lots of trouble if he didn't. He was only a medical trainee. Even though he had every knowledge it needed to help the boy, he cursed the fact that his hands were bound. He simply wasn't allowed to tend alone to a patient without supervision, say nothing of operating on one. His hands felt damp with sweat.

"Is there any other doctor available? Dr. Marks? Dr. Selaran?" he turned again toward the nurse, but she just shook her head. He cursed again under his breath. Why was no other doctor available? How could this be?

He checked again the boy's vitals. He was losing him.

"Can you put me through to Dr. Delon?" he blurted. But to his dismay, the nurse just shook her head. "He's already in surgery. I can't reach him."

_Okay, Julian, calm down_ , he told himself. He just needed to stabilize the boy long enough for Michael to arrive. It couldn't be more than another 10 minutes.

A sudden erratic beeping drew him back from his thoughts.

"Doctor, we're losing him," one of the nurses almost shouted. "His vitals are plummeting. What shall we do?"

Julian felt all color drain from his face. "Still no answer from Dr. Shepard or Dr. Delon?" he asked in dismay. But the nurse just shook her head.

_Damn_.

He took a deep breath, trying to organize his tumbling thoughts. He wasn't allowed to operate on the boy. He would get himself in the biggest trouble if he did. But if he didn't act now, the boy would die. There wasn't really much choice. He closed his eyes, forcing himself to make a decision.

"Prepare for surgery. We're getting started," he said, very well aware that he was about to dig his own grave. But there was nothing he could do about it. He couldn't let the boy die. And he prayed that Palis' father would understand.

He'd only start with surgery and as soon as Michael was there, he'd let him take over.

"Ready," one nurse said, as she stepped closer.

Julian took another deep breath.

"Then let's do it."

=/\=

Two hours later, he felt utterly drained – but content with his work.

He slipped off his medical gloves and deposited them in the recycling unit. Then he went over to wash his hands, wiping off beads of sweat that had begun to form at his temples. For a long moment, he held his hands under the sonic beam, slowly inhaling through his nose. His heartbeat was gradually coming back to normal and only now as the adrenaline was slowly subsiding from his system, did he notice how much he'd been running on it to bring himself through the last two hours.

He'd saved the boy.

Without any real alternative, he'd started surgery on his own. It was not after another fifteen minutes that Dr. Shepard had finally arrived, out of breath as if he'd been running, apologizing to him that he couldn't come earlier. He hadn't lost even one word about Julian beginning surgery on his own but had instead quickly taken in the sight in front of him, coming to Julian's rescue whenever possible. Even when Julian had offered to let Michael take the lead, the other doctor had declined, saying that he knew that Julian had everything under control and that he was convinced that he was up to the job. He'd stood back as Julian had tended to the young boy, finally saving his life with his quick actions.

Cleaning his hands, Julian idly noticed that they were trembling.

He suddenly felt a clap on his shoulder and when he turned, he looked into Michael's smiling face. "You did well, Julian," the other doctor said. "That was nothing short of amazing. I couldn't have done it any better."

Julian returned the smile weakly. He still felt a little nauseous from the excitement, but he was glad how everything had turned out.

Around him, two other nurses, who'd assisted during surgery nodded in approvement while they disposed of their surgical gowns as well.

"Now let's see if we can get you something to eat. You look awful," Michael joked as he steered him out of the surgery room and into the hospital corridor. Julian wondered if Michael was only trying to lift his mood or if he really was a ghostly sight. He certainly felt like one.

As soon as they had left and the door slid shut behind their backs, a sudden voluminous voice thundered through the air, making them stop dead in their tracks.

"What the hell have you been thinking!"

Julian startled and his head snapped up. René Delon was blocking the corridor in front of them, and by the look on his bearded face, he was seething. His cold, blue eyes were fixed on Julian and Julian alone. There was a dangerous gleam in them. Julian felt his heart stop dead in his chest. He immediately knew what had prompted René's fury, and the realization made him sick to his stomach.

René _knew_. He felt his knees go weak, adrenaline shooting again like lightening through his veins. René knew what he had done, and he seemed anything but thrilled about it.

"What the hell have you been thinking? Or have you been thinking at all?!" René shouted again, towering in front of the two of them like a ghost of wrath. His face was red and his stare piercing. Within seconds, Julian felt himself crumble under René's disapproving stare. His mind was wiped blank, his only thought that he had made a fatal mistake.

"I-I…" Julian began, almost in reflex.

"You operated on that kid, for god's sake! That little boy could have died! How could you dare operate on a patient?! Alone! You're nothing but a medical trainee. You don't even have a medical license! What if anything had gone wrong? What if the boy had died?" René again yelled at him, hot fury in his eyes.

It was worse than a slap across the face. Julian felt his cheeks flush. His mind was frantically working but getting nowhere.

"It was…" he started, trembling, but was bluntly interrupted.

"Ten goddamned minutes, Julian. Couldn't you wait ten goddamned minutes until Michael was there? You should have waited for a real doctor to be present. And even then you wouldn't have been allowed to perform any surgery on your own. Do you know what you did? Have you any idea what consequences your actions will have?"

Julian felt even sicker. By now, not only the nurses who had assisted during surgery cast him pitiful looks. Other medical staff had stopped to see what the sudden commotion was about. People were staring at him and René. His heart was pounding so hard that he felt short of breath. If only René would hear him out…

"I-I didn't…" he stammered, trying to explain.

"Why didn't you call another doctor? Were you so desperate to operate on someone, Julian? So desperate to try out your medical skills you've learned at school? What the hell do you think we're doing here? This is no classroom lesson. This here is about life and death. But you're not capable of getting that into your head, are you?"

This was worse than he'd imagined. There was no way for him to defend himself because he knew that René's rage was more than justified. He knew that it was his fault, that he'd messed everything up. He'd been naïve enough to hope that René would be lenient and understanding, but he'd been wrong. René wasn't understanding. He was furious. Julian's gaze dropped to the floor. He felt like a complete failure.

"I-I'm sorry…" he whispered. Shame was burning through him.

"Oh, as well you should be! But don't you think you'll get away that easily. I'll have you take the consequences of your actions!" René continued mercilessly.

"René," a sudden voice came to his rescue. It was Michael. The other doctor stepped between them, as if he wanted to protect Julian from Mr. Delon's outburst. "Stop it right there. I think that's enough. I can see why you're angry at him, but it wasn't as if he had any choice. He did the only right thing to save that boy's life! I came as quickly as I could. But I wouldn't have managed. The boy's condition was deteriorating fast. If Julian hadn't started with the surgery, the boy wouldn't be alive now!"

"That doesn't change a thing!" René yelled. He was obviously too incensed with rage to speak in a normal way. "He shouldn't have started surgery on his own. He's a damn student. He has no right to operate on someone."

Julian desperately wished for the ground to open up and swallow him. He wished Michael would stop defending him. He was making everything only worse. Couldn't he see?

"Would you rather the boy had died? Is that what you want? He's almost done with his medical studies. You know how good he is. You know as good as I that he'll have his medical license in another four months. It's only a matter of time. But what is even more important is that he saved the boy's life! He did everything he could. He waited for me and when he saw that I wouldn't make it in time, the tried to contact you. But you were unavailable. He tried to find any other doctor, but none was available. He was running out of time and he didn't have a choice. You can't blame him for trying his best to save the situation!"

Julian just wanted it to be over. He stood there, unable to move, unable to think, unable to defend himself, his cheeks flushed a bright red. He stared at his feet, the adrenaline that was rushing through his body enough to make him sick to his stomach.

René's attention suddenly snapped back to Julian. "What are you standing there, saying nothing? You can't even defend yourself. You need others to do the job for you. Just look at you. What the hell is wrong with you, Julian?"

He didn't dare lift his eyes. Rooted to the spot, Julian just stood there, staring at his feet, silently enduring the thunderstorm that swept over him. Something about the way, René was yelling at him, struck a chord deep down in his heart. It nipped any thought of defense in the bud. His hand felt cold, and his shoulders were trembling.

"I-I'm… I'm sorry…" was all he brought forth in a miserable whisper.

"I've heard enough! Now get the hell out of here!" René hissed as he regarded Julian for another tension-filled moment, then turned on his heels and stormed back to where he'd come from.

"Julian?" a soft voice asked.

He didn't react, just kept staring at his feet.

"Julian? Is everything okay?"

He didn't want to think. Nothing was okay. He'd messed everything up. He'd disappointed Mr. Delon.

He'd operated without license. He could go to jail for his action, should Mr. Delon decide to press charges. He could be thrown out of Starfleet. His whole career could be over before it had even begun.

"Julian?" the other voice urged again. "Look at me."

He found himself obeying in spite of himself. When he lifted his gaze, he saw into Michael's worried face. There was open concern in the other doctor's eyes. "Come, you're white as a sheet. We'll get you something to eat."

He followed Michael into the break room. The other doctor brought him some sandwiches and a cup of water and urged him to sit down and take some bites.

"I'm sorry for what happened with Dr. Delon," Michael finally said when he had made sure that Julian had taken a bite of the sandwich. "And I want you to know that it's not your fault, Julian. Whatever René said, it's not your fault. It's important that you understand that."

Michael was only a few years his senior, but he'd been working at this hospital for several years now. As far as Julian knew, he was friends with René but that obviously didn't hinder him from arguing with the older doctor. Or perhaps it was right because of that fact that he was able to. Julian didn't know why Michael was suddenly so concerned for him but he nodded. He forced himself to take another bite of his sandwich.

"He can be very impulsive at times," Michael continued as he rubbed his eyes. "You did a great job with that boy. You didn't do anything wrong. You saved the kid's life. And that is all that matters."

"But I operated without license…" Julian said crestfallen, not able to bring anything down any more. The thought alone still managed to chill him to the core.

"Yes, you did," Michael said, "because you were forced to by circumstances beyond your control. It was an emergency situation, and you tried your best to save the boy. It's not fair to blame you for something you didn't have any influence on. I'm truly sorry that you were brought into this situation in the first place. When René sent you to tend to the boy, he should have been aware of the consequences. If anyone is to blame, it would be René because he knew of the possibility that I wouldn't make it in time and he still sent you to take care of the boy. You did nothing wrong today, Julian. You made the only possible choice."

Then Michael sighed, and pressed his lips into a tight line. "What René just did to you, was simply wrong. He should have heard you out. He had no right to yell at you like that."

Julian felt like a complete idiot. He didn't care if René was right or wrong. He just felt so embarrassed, so humiliated. He'd sworn to himself that he'd never do anything to mess things up with René. He needed his good will for graduation. And after what had just happened, he knew that his career was hanging by a threat. And the worst of all was, that he knew that René was right. No matter what Michael was telling him, he had operated on the boy without license. It didn't matter that he had saved him. It didn't matter that he hadn't been left with any choice. He'd brought this all upon himself.

"Thank you," he mumbled nevertheless.

Michael clapped his shoulder. "Take the rest of the day off. Tomorrow will be another day. I'll talk to René."

Julian nodded in silence. When Michael had left, he brought the rest of his food back to the replicator. And went for the changing room. René's words still followed him through the silent corridors and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't block them out.

Almost automatically, he changed. Then he packed his things and left, making a conscious effort to avoid eye contact with everyone he passed.

=/\=

"Julian? What are you doing home already?"

It was Palis' voice that brought him back from his dark thoughts. He rolled to his side, closing his eyes.

"Julian?" The voice sounded worried this time. "What's wrong?" Someone sitting down next to him on the bed. A warm hand running over his shoulder.

He didn't face her. "I messed everything up," he only said. "Today in hospital. I disappointed your father. He was yelling at me to get out of his sight." He was surprised at how emotionally detached his voice sounded.

"What… happened?" Palis cautiously ventured. She seemed genuinely worried.

"I operated without medical license," Julian only said, too tired to explain more details.

"And then he threw you out?"

"No, he waited for me to come out of surgery. He yelled at me in front of the other staff how I could dare operate without license. That my patient could have died. And then he yelled at me to get the hell out of there."

"Oh Julian… I'm so sorry," Palis said, gently squeezing his shoulder. "But… how could this happen? I thought that as a medical trainee, you're never without supervision."

"It was an emergency. They didn't have a doctor, so your father sent me. I had to make a decision. If I had waited for another doctor to come, my patient would have died."

"Did you try to explain this to my father?" Palis asked.

"He didn't give me a chance."

"But Julian," Palis protested. "That's not fair. You didn't have a choice!"

"Doesn't matter. I need your father's good will. So basically my graduation depends on your father's opinion of me. It doesn't matter if I had any choice or not."

"Julian, that's just wrong!" Palis said in exasperation.

"It's just how life works," he replied without much enthusiasm.

"I'll talk to Papa!"

"No, that would only make it worse. He already thinks that I'm incapable of a wide variety of things, including standing up for myself."

"Julian…"

"Just leave it, Palis. There's nothing you can do," he said as he got up with a sigh. "I can only hope that he won't throw me out of my medical training."

She refrained from touching him, obviously sensing that he didn't want to be touched right now. He rubbed his hands over his face, desperately wishing for everything to come undone.

"Do you want to cancel tonight's dinner with your parents?"

His head went up. But then he remembered. And cursed under his breath. His mother's birthday party. After both Palis and his mother had begged him to come, he'd grudgingly said yes. He'd completely forgotten that it was tonight. He buried his face in his hands, exhaling a long, pained breath. Going to his parents' was about the last thing he wanted to do right now.

"I can tell her, that you were held," Palis offered cautiously.

And it would break his mother's heart. He felt even worse than before. Even though he wanted nothing more than to be alone, he knew that he couldn't do that to her.

"No…" he finally said. "I'll go. Just give me some minutes…"

He couldn't see her, but he was sure she was smiling that special smile of hers. "Take your time, Julian. Just tell me whenever you're ready."


	5. Chapter 5

**\- Chapter 4 -**

_London, November25th, 2368_

"Jules, Palis, it's so good to see you!"

"Happy Birthday, Mum!"

Amsha Bashir wrapped her arms around her son, hugging him close, then moved on to do the same with Palis, who returned the hug with a smile.

"It's good to see you, too, Amsha. It's been so long," Palis said in excitement. She seemed genuinely happy to be here, reaching for Julian's hand and squeezing it softly as they followed Amsha into the house. Julian closed the door behind them and took a deep breath. He had no idea how to get through this evening. But once they were here, there was no turning back. He heard Amsha and Palis retreat into the living-room and lingered just another moment near the door.

It hadn't really changed. The walls of the apartment were decorated with the same old pictures, the carpet was the same, even the smell in the house wasn't any different from when he'd left home six years ago for Starfleet Medical Academy. It was strange how you could spend so much time away from home, and still come back as if nothing had ever happened.

He took a deep breath and silently prayed he had enough strength to see this through. When he started for the living-room, his eyes strayed over to another door, standing ajar. His old bedroom.

He heard laughter drift over from the other room, but his feet stopped in front of his old room almost in spite of himself.

When he poked his head through the gap in the door, nothing had changed there either.

His old desk was still there, his bed and the closet. And the posters on the walls. He'd been obsessed with famous tennis players. During the best of times, his bedroom had been full of them. He'd always wanted to be like them. Absentmindedly, he ran his fingers over the winner certificate of the annual tennis tournament of his old high school that still hung in an old frame on the wall.

_He was so proud on that day. He'd won the school tournament and carried his racket home with the pride of a sixteen-year-old who'd just defeated about every possible opponent in his little high school world. When he came home, he went straight to his mum, waving the winner certificate under her nose._

" _Mum, guess who won today's tournament!" he beamed, his chest swelling with pride._

_His mother took the piece of paper and smiled. "You won?"_

" _Yeah, and Mr. Kentis said that I'm an amazing talent and that he wants me to play at the regional tournament next month!"_

_His mother opened her mouth in reply but instantly shut it again when his father came into the room. Richard Bashir went over to take a closer look at the paper in her hands. Young Julian watched expectantly when his eyes flew over the words on the document – but instead of showing a smile, he suddenly blanched. He closed his eyes, and for a moment it looked as if he needed to gather himself._

" _Jules," he finally said and young Julian immediately knew that he was in trouble._

" _I told you not to take part in the tournament," his father said slowly, punctuating each word._

_Julian felt himself blush. "But… I wanted to test how good I am. And Mr. Kentis wouldn't hear no as an answer. It was just a school competition."_

_Richard snorted. "And let me guess, you easily defeated all you opponents."_

_Julian stared at him defiantly. "I was careful."_

_His father took a long deliberate breath. "Jules, this," he thrust his finger at the paper, "is dangerous. I told you not to take part in any competition! Even if you're careful."_

" _But I'm good at tennis!" young Julian held. "Why shouldn't I do something I'm good at?"_

_Richard thrust both hands up in exasperation. "Because," he said, "you're not_ good _at tennis. You just have a better hand-eye-coordination than the rest of them. You're faster and you're stronger and I don't think that it was fair of you to take part in that tournament in the first place."_

" _But…"_

" _From now on, I don't want to hear anything about competitions or tournaments anymore. You're not doing them. And that is my final word. If you want to keep playing tennis, fine. But never, ever, go into the open with your talent again, do you hear me!" Richard's stare was piercing. "You're old enough to understand the risks. So don't act like a spoiled child!"_

Julian let his hand sink. After all these years, the memory still hurt…

_He was sitting at the dinner table with his parents, two padds in front of him._

" _I heard from a friend that Starfleet Medical School is one of the best. You'll be able to put your talents to a good use," his father said before he spooned some of the stew into his mouth._

_Julian just stared at the padds._

" _Jules, why haven't you submitted your entry form yet? As far as I know the deadline is tomorrow. You shouldn't wait until the eleventh hour…" his mother said, searching his face._

" _I… I'm not sure about medical school, that's all…" Julian replied. He hadn't touched any of his food._

_His father cast him a worried frown. "What do you mean? I thought we had made it clear that you were going to medical school. You always wanted to become a doctor."_

_Julian swallowed. He knew that he was probably unleashing a thunderstorm but it was a decision that would influence his whole life, so he had to at least try…_

" _Yes, but that was before I got a recommendation for the national tennis team…" he began warily._

_The sudden sound of hands stroking the dinner table made him flinch. "Jules!" He looked up and saw into the angry face of Richard Bashir._

" _Don't you dare start that conversation again. How often do you want me to say it again? You will not become a tennis player. Ever. That is simply out of the question! And you should be the first to understand the reasons!"_

" _My whole life depends on the decision. It's not an easy one," Julian defended himself. "I just don't want to regret anything!"_

_Richard pressed his lips into a thin line, as if he were trying hard to control his anger._

" _So tell me, Jules, if you really became a tennis player, what would happen?" he said with a bitter laugh. "You would take part in competitions. You would become a world-famous tennis player. You would be one of the best. And that is exactly when other people will start asking questions. What's his secret? Why's he so good? Does he have a special training? Is it the food? What if they made you submit to a test? What if they found out that you're not only extremely talented at tennis but also do happen to have an eyesight that's above average? What if they found out that you're stronger than most players, or that your legs carry you faster than those of any average person? People will ask questions, Jules. And you won't be able to give them any satisfying answer."_

_Julian stared at his plate. "But it will be the same with medicine. People will always ask questions…"_

_Richard shook his head. "A good doctor won't be questioned. As long as you save lives, no one will think twice about what you do. In medicine, you can be the best doctor in the whole quadrant, and still it wouldn't arouse anyone's suspicion…" He put his finger on the application form for Starfleet Medical. "So you better get this filled out until tonight. Don't waste your only chance of putting your talents to a good use. And stop talking about that tennis nonsense."_

Julian closed his eyes and forced his thoughts back to the present. After all these years, the memory was still vivid in his mind. He only needed to take a look around to make the ghosts of the past come back and haunt him. And he knew that it was the real reason why he never spent much time at home. Why he hadn't come back during the last six years for more than the occasional visit.

Because everything here reminded him of what he couldn't be. Of what he shouldn't be.

All the years he'd spent here, he'd been constantly reminded of what he shouldn't do, of what he couldn't do, of how careful he had to be. It had been like a mantra. Don't let them see who you really are. Don't let them get close to you. Don't trust anyone.

He felt a stab of pain in his heart. _Don't trust anyone._

He was sick of being alone. He was sick of hiding all these years. He just wanted to be like everyone else…

"Jules?"

His head snapped up. He lingered for another moment at the door, but then turned and finally went over to the living-room.

"Sorry," he said as he offered a smile, even though he knew that it probably didn't look genuine. He sat down next to Palis on the couch while his father went over to get them something to drink. Amsha and Palis were already into a conversation about today's dinner and that it was something special, Amsha had wanted to try out for so long. But with her picky husband as the only company, she'd never had the chance to. Not until today. He kept silent, nodding his agreement at random. But he wasn't really listening.

"So, how's your medical training, Jules?" his father finally broached the subject he'd pretty much hoped to avoid. "It's been two months already, hasn't it?"

Julian nodded. "Yes, it's going… well."

His father arched one brow. "That's all? You were given a unique chance. Your girlfriend's father gave you the opportunity to work at his hospital. I hope you'll give your best not to disappoint him or make him regret his decision," he said in a voice as if some part of him was honestly concerned that his son would mess up the chance he'd been given.

Julian felt a strange mixture of anger and embarrassment rise within him. "I don't think that is any of your business, Dad." He knew that he sounded too defensive and that it wasn't such a good idea to put his father's nose out of joint right at the beginning of this evening. So he quickly added: "I'm doing my best to measure up to Mr. Delon's expectations."

His father watched him for a second, before he forced a smile. "Well, never mind. So, Palis, how's your ballet going? Did you have any performance recently?"

While Palis' face lit up and she happily informed his father that she was playing the leading role in the upcoming Christmas performance, Julian's mother suddenly lay a hand on his shoulder. "If you don't mind, I need your help, Jules. Could you help me out in the kitchen?"

He nodded, almost jumping up from the couch. "Of course…"

He excused himself and followed her into the other room. Amsha closed the door behind them, before she turned to him and took his hands into hers.

"Jules, what's wrong?"

He startled. For a moment, he thought about telling her that he was fine. But only one look into her worried face was all to tell him that she knew exactly that something was off with him.

"Is it about you and Palis?"

He avoided her gaze and shook his head. Then he closed his eyes and sighed. "No," he said, searching for the right words. "I… I messed it up today. In hospital. It did something to make Palis' father angry. And I don't know how to make it right again."

"What happened?" his mother searched his face.

_René Delon yelled at me in front of all his staff, calling me an idiot and threatening to throw me out of my medical training…_

He swallowed. "I… was in an emergency situation. And I did something I wasn't allowed to." He still felt the crushing weight of remorse. If he could just turn back time, make it all come undone. "This job means so much to me, Mum. He offered me a permanent post after graduation and said that he'd make me head of surgery within five years. Palis and I would be able to stay together." His throat felt thick with emotions. God, he would never forgive himself if he lost this opportunity.

He felt his mother's arms wrap around him, taking him into a gentle embrace. Then she kissed his cheek.

"Jules, I don't know what happened, but I'm sure everything's going to be alright." She looked him right into the eye. "I only know that you are so passionate about your medical studies. Whatever you did, I'm sure you didn't act carelessly. I'm sure you weighed your options carefully and what you did is what your conscience was telling you was right in that moment. And I'm sure Mr. Delon will eventually understand that. He _is_ Palis' father after all. He offered you the post because he wants the two of you to be happy together. I don't think anything you did today could change that so easily."

He nodded.

"Palis and I… we're going to marry," he said before he could think twice about it. He knew that sooner or later he'd have to tell them. So now was as good a time as any.

He half feared his mother would make a comment about him being too young for marriage, but instead a pleasant smile crossed her features. "I'm so happy for your two. That is such wonderful news."

She cupped his face with one hand. "I'm so proud of you, Jules. And I'm sure, Mr. Delon feels just the same. Don't you worry about it anymore. You'll see, everything's going to be alright."

He touched her hand with his. "Thanks, Mum…"

"Now let's get back to rescue Palis from your father," she said with a conspiratorial smile. "You can help me bring over the dishes."

He shyly returned the smile and together they went back into the living room. With relief he noticed that Palis was having a great time with his dad. Once again he became painfully aware that she was just perfect. She was gorgeous and intelligent, so positive about life and embracing everything around her. She didn't feel uncomfortable around his parents, even though she had barely met them during the last years and they were practically strangers to each other.

When he came back into the room, Palis' eyes lit up and she quickly drew herself up to help him with the dishes.

"Sorry for having kept you waiting," he apologized.

But Palis just waved her hand. She took a deep breath, savoring the delicious scent of this evening's dinner. "I'm starving," she grinned.

His father brought their glasses over and within minutes they were ready for dinner.

"Palis told me she has another performance on Christmas and that we have to come and see her dance," his father said nonchalantly, obviously trying to make a new beginning. He must have sensed Julian's irritated mood earlier and made now a conscious effort not to broach any topics that would upset him.

"Your father promised to come, Julian," Palis said happily. "It'll be great. We could show your family Paris at that occasion!"

He wasn't keen on having his family come over, but nodded and said: "Yeah, sounds great." And turning to his parents he added: "Paris really is beautiful at Christmas."

Palis nodded. "We have all those lights out in the streets and all those little cafés. It's really lovely. We could go sightseeing and have some coffee and cinnamon rolls and take a walk through the city and…"

She stopped, as if she had suddenly remembered something. "And I'll talk my father into giving you some days off!"

Julian felt himself slightly stiffen at the mentioning of her father. But he nodded. "That would be great."

"I see you're quite busy, Jules. But I guess that's a good thing," Richard Bashir said, as if he were hoping for some details about his training at Mr. Delon's hospital. Julian couldn't really blame him. He barely talked about his life at the academy, and that included his medical training in Paris.

"Actually, he's working too much," Palis interjected before he had the time to reply. "But that's rather my father's fault. He has him work so much. Even though he's only a medical trainee, he often works double shifts, even on the weekend. So I guess my father holds him in really high esteem." The subtle nuance of discontent didn't escape his attention.

"Your father just knows how to put his talents to a good use," Richard grinned. "I'm glad to hear that all those years at medical school finally pay off."

Julian kept silent, very well aware that he might utter some unfriendly remark if he spoke now.

"My father offered him a permanent post after graduation to work at his hospital and Julian accepted," Palis said with a quick side glance toward him.

Julian could feel his father's face turn into a questioning frown without even having to look at him. "You'll stay in Paris?" he asked, as if it was the most unlikely thing in the universe.

Julian nodded. "Mr. Delon offered me to continue working at this hospital after graduation. He promised me a good career afterwards. And I will be able to stay with Palis. So I told him I'd take him up on the offer."

Richard Bashir seemed lost for words. But then a broad grin spread across his face. "That's great news." And turning toward Palis he added: "You have no idea how long I have been trying to convince my son to stay on Earth. Ever since he entered Starfleet, he was so adamant about going out into space to practice frontier medicine. There was just no way of convincing him otherwise. I'm so glad to hear that he finally sees reason."

Even though Richard's remark was meant as a joke, his words stung. The decision hadn't been easy, after all. Julian was giving up his dream of leaving home and exploring the unknown in order to be able to stay with Palis. He still felt wistful when he thought about the fact that he'd abandon a life full of adventure for an ordinary life on Earth. But he was more than willing to pay the price when it meant that he could be with Palis.

"It's not that I finally see reason," he said, trying to keep his tone even. "It's because Palis and I are going to marry."

He could see his father trying to digest the news. But instead of telling him all those negative words about not being old enough for getting married or about storming into something without thinking, instead of all those prearranged words in his head, his father surprised him by saying neither of those.

His face lit up with genuine happiness. "That's… That's great news!" he said, and he really did seem to mean it.

"You found a wonderful girl you're going to marry, you have the prospect of a good job after graduation. And you abandoned that childish plan of playing wild west in space. What more could you want?" Richard said in approvement. "You've done great, Jules. Now you only have to see that you won't mess it up!"

At his father's remark, he felt his palms dampen with sweat. The memory of Mr. Delon yelling at him was suddenly back full force and it was all he could do to take a sip of his water and hope that Richard hadn't noticed the color drain from his face.

"I'll do my best," was all he could answer.

"Palis, will you have an eye on him? He usually doesn't listen to his parents. But I'm sure he'll listen to you!"

Palis smiled, and he felt her hand reach out for his under the table as if to comfort him. "I will."

Julian felt his cheeks flush in spite of himself. Why did he have the feeling as if he never measured up to anyone's expectations? In Mr. Delon's opinion he was nothing more than an incompetent wannabe doctor and his father didn't trust him to get anything done without supervision. He sighed inwardly and wished himself back to the Academy. At least there he was able to work at his own pace, at least there he did have friends and teachers who knew how much effort he put into his medical studies and how good he was.

"What about some dessert?" his mother suddenly came to his rescue.

"That sounds fascinating!" Palis said with delight. "Shall I help you?"

Amsha just shook her head. "Make yourself at home."

"Oh, I could show you some pictures when Jules was young!" Richard immediately came up with an idea to entertain Palis while Amsha went back into the kitchen.

"Dad…" Julian said, half pleading.

But Richard had already crossed the room to retrieve a padd from the drawer. He quickly activated the screen and held it so that Palis could see it. "I can't believe we haven't done this already!" he said as he scrolled through the pictures. "Let's see."

Julian thought about leaving the two of them alone to help his mother in the kitchen but was stopped by Palis' loving voice. "That's Julian? When was this? At some birthday party?"

He let out a groan but turned nevertheless to see what Richard was showing her.

A boy with a birthday party hat and a big chocolate cake before him. His seventh birthday… Taken shorty after he'd been back from hospital…

"Julian, you're so cute," Palis said as she regarded the picture in her hands. "Richard, do you have a picture of him as a toddler?"

Julian froze. No matter if Palis was his fiancée or not, there were things he couldn't share with her. "I-I don't think we have them any more…" he said but it was too late. His father had already come up with another shot of him. Three-year-old Julian was hugging a big brown bear to his chest, grinning into the camera. The shot was taken somewhere outside, probably at some holiday resort judging from the background.

Julian felt sick. He couldn't look at the picture. At the boy before the genetic enhancements. What if she noticed that something was different about that little boy? What if she noticed that he didn't look the same, that there was something different about his eyes? That this little boy embraced life unconditionally, that he was unaware of the fact that something was not right with him? He felt his pulse speed up. He didn't want Palis to see this side of himself. He didn't want her to imagine him as the toddler in the picture. Because the truth was that he no longer was that little boy. Whoever that toddler had been, whoever that little boy would have grown up into, it all had been erased when his parents had subjected him to the treatment on Adigeon Prime.

"Julian, you still have that bear, don't you?" Palis said as she ran a finger over the stuffed bear as if she was brushing over its fur.

"Yeah," he said half-heartedly.

"He took it everywhere with him," Richard explained. "Once he lost it and he was inconsolable till we got it back."

"When is this?" Palis said as she swept to the next picture.

Richard leaned closer, a smile on his face. "On his first day at school."

_No_. Julian needed all his willpower to refrain from snatching the padd away from them. He couldn't believe that his father was putting him through this. His hands almost unconsciously balled into fists. Something was clutching at his heart, making it hard to breathe.

"He looks so… young," Palis said as she regarded the picture.

… _stupid,_ a voice in his mind echoed mockingly. The whole look on his young face. He looked dumb. How could she not see it? How could she not see the truth? He hated those pictures. He hated what they meant.

And then René's voice suddenly echoed in his mind.

" _What are you standing there, saying nothing. You can't even defend yourself. You need others to do the job for you. Just look at you. What the hell is wrong with you, Julian?"_

Everything was wrong with him. His whole life was wrong. His whole life was a lie.

And suddenly another voice overlapped with René's.

" _The truth is that he's been studying you. Your physiological and mental development. The development of moral and ethics. Your reaction to certain situations. Your way of seeing and judging things. He's watched and studied you growing up."_

He tried to block out the memory.

But the simple truth was that he was anything but normal. A curiosity. A failure. Someone unable to put the gift he'd been given to a good use. He'd disappointed his parents. He'd disappointed his friends. He'd disappointed Mr. Delon.

"Julian?" a soft voice next to him spoke, a hand reaching out for his. "Julian, are you okay?"

He snapped from his stupor.

Palis had stopped browsing through his pictures and was watching him now intently. There was genuine worry in her eyes.

"Y-Yes, I-I'm sorry…" he said, trying to gather himself and not let her see the hurt he was feeling in that very moment. The crushing weight of guilt.

Richard must have noticed his strange behavior as well, because he quickly put the padd aside, gesturing toward the door where Amsha came back with a tablet full of desserts.

"Dessert is ready!"

Palis pulled him with her as she went back to the dinner table. "I'll have one!" Palis said immediately.

Julian took a deep breath, trying to stifle the chaos of emotions inside him. He pulled himself together. He couldn't let her know what had occupied his mind. So he put all his remaining strength into a fake smile and said: "Me too!"

=/\=

It was already dark when they came back to Paris. Instead of going straight home, they had decided to take a stroll through the city. Little snowflakes had begun falling from the dark sky above them, whirling lightly through the air around them.

"Julian, I'm sorry," Palis finally said as they walked, arms linked, next to the Seine.

For a short moment he wasn't sure what she was talking about. She must have noticed the questioning look on his face because she leaned closer and snuggled up to him. "The pictures. You didn't want your Dad to show me, did you?"

He startled. So she had noticed after all.

"No…" he finally said, settling for the truth.

"Why not?"

They kept walking on in silence for a while. "Because I don't like thinking back on my childhood," he said at length. "I constantly had the feeling of not measuring up to everybody's expectations. I don't know… It's just that I don't like remembering those days…"

Palis squeezed his arm. "But your Mum and Dad, they seem really proud of you. I can't imagine that there's something you could disappoint them about."

Julian shook his head. "I don't know. I'm just not proud of that little boy in the picture. That's all."

She stopped and made him face her. "And are you proud of him now? Of what he has become?"

He offered a faint smile. "After today and your father yelling at me, I'm not so sure anymore."

She wrapped her arms around him and drew close. "Then let me reassure you that you should be. _I_ am proud of you. I love you, Julian. I couldn't imagine it to be anyone but you."

His lips found hers and they kissed. "Sometimes, I have the feeling that the only time I feel whole is when I'm with you," he breathed between kisses.

"I love you, Julian."

"I love you even more, Palis."


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains some mild spoilers for The Secrets We Keep and Children of Faith.

**\- Chapter 5 -**

_Paris, November 26th, 2368_

His legs felt wobbly when he climbed the stairs of the Paris Central Hospital. He could hear his own heartbeat even over the din around him, and he had to make a conscious effort not to turn on his heels and head straight back home.

After yesterday's incident, he hadn't received any message from Mr. Delon. He didn't know if the fact that René seemed to ignore him was boding ill or not but his only chance to find out was to go up to his office and check. His shift was about to start in thirty minutes, and he didn't even know if René still had him on the roster.

When he knocked on the door to Mr. Delon's office, it took all his willpower not to break out in cold sweat. The short "Come in" almost made him jump out of his skin. He quickly pushed the door open, before his mind had the chance to think twice.

When he came into the office, Mr. Delon was as always sitting behind his desk. His head went up when he heard the young man enter.

Julian couldn't meet his eyes and almost instantly blurted: "I-I'm sorry, Sir. For what happened yesterday. I-I…" He was searching for the right words. He wanted him to know how truly sorry he was. That he deeply regretted what he had done. That he would never do anything like it again.

But instead of yelling at him to pack his things and get out of his sight, Mr. Delon drew himself up. A sad expression edged on his face as he rounded the desk toward his visitor.

"No, Julian. I am the one who needs to apologize," he said in a grave tone.

Julian's head snapped up at this.

"I'm sorry for yesterday," René went on, leaning with his back against the desk and gesturing for Julian to have a seat. Julian sat down wordlessly, still too stunned to comprehend what the older doctor was saying.

"I'm very sorry for what I did yesterday," René repeated and pressed his lips into a thin line as if he were thinking.

"You didn't do anything wrong. I can see it now. I wish I had been calm enough yesterday to see it. I'm truly sorry for what I put you through. My reaction was very inappropriate."

"I-I…" Julian started, surprise and relief washing over him like a wave. "I shouldn't have operated on the kid. I should have waited for Michael to arrive."

René pinched the bridge of his nose. "I spoke to Michael. After I sent you home, we had quite a long talk about the incident. And he made me realize that I had been unfair to you. You must know, Michael has a really high opinion of you. I wasn't myself when I was yelling at you yesterday, and I wish I could take back the words I said. When I was in surgery, I was constantly thinking of you and wondering if everything was okay. I was worried that you might do something rash and that I wasn't there to watch over you. I was worried that I might have made the wrong decision, that I had brought you into a situation you weren't yet able to deal with, thus endangering your graduation as well as your career at Starfleet Medical. And when I finally came out of surgery and checked on you, the thing I had dreaded the most had happened. You'd operated on the kid without supervision. And the only thing I could think of was that it was my fault and that I never should have let you tend to the boy alone. I was furious. At you as well as at myself. I was so overwhelmed with emotions that I couldn't think clearly. I should have given you the chance to explain yourself. I should have heard you out. But I didn't. And I feel truly sorry for that."

Julian blinked, utterly unprepared for René's words. The only thing his mind was able to grasp in that moment was that his career was not yet over. He'd been given a second chance. He felt a heavy weight drop from his shoulders and breathing finally became easier.

"Thank you, Sir," was everything he brought forth. "I will do my best not to disappoint you again."

Mr. Delon's lips curled up in a smile. "I'm sure you will." Then he straightened. "Well, after all the fright I gave you, I would like to ask you to accompany me on my morning ward round. There is something I wanted to show you."

Julian nodded. "I'll just change and be back in ten minutes."

René laughed. "No need to hurry. Take your time. We'll meet at ward two in thirty minutes."

Julian drew himself up. His heart was still doing double work in his chest, but for the first time since yesterday, there was hope again. He quickly went to the dressing room, changed into his medical uniform, got himself some coffee and went back to meet Palis' father at ward two.

He'd just downed his coffee when René came along, a pleasant expression on his face. Not for the first time, Julian was amazed at the fact that the older doctor's mood could shift from fatherly pleasant to furious and unrelenting within only a few seconds. He'd made a mental note to never upset René again. Yesterday's incident was enough to last him a lifetime. He knew that he'd never again wanted to become the object of his wrath.

"So, tell me Julian," René started as they walked along the corridor side by side. "What do you think is the essence of a good doctor? A good healer?"

Perplex, Julian thought for a moment. He wasn't sure what René was getting at and he was afraid of saying something wrong or stupid, so he thought for another moment before answering. "Compassion, and talent, I guess," he said warily.

It must have been what René had wanted to hear, because he nodded. "Yes, those are essential for being a good doctor. You not only need the skill to help people, you also need the will to help them. Your heart must be set on the task. Your heart must be telling you to help them, no matter what."

He turned to Julian, suddenly coming to a halt.

"But there is one thing above all a good doctor needs," he said, and something about the way he spoke made a cold shiver run down the young man's spine. "Come."

He followed René into a room. There was only one patient. He was lying motionless on a biobed, the medical chart above his head beeping in steady and regular intervals. He didn't stir, and Julian presumed that he was sleeping, or comatose. He was none of his patients, so he had no information on the man's injuries. But looking into his ashen face, the way his body lay slack and battered on the bed, Julian was sure he wouldn't regain consciousness so soon.

René checked the chart above the bed, tapped at his own padd and finally turned toward Julian again.

"He's a technician, caught up in a fire accident when an EPS conduct broke while he did some maintenance repairs. He was brought over with severe third-degree burns. Half of his body's skin was coming off already. He was on the verge of death."

Julian frowned. "How is he?"

"He'll live. Eventually. But it's still a long way for him to go," René said somberly. "When he was brought over, he was screaming in agony. He was thrashing and fighting for his life. I was there in the emergency ward. It was a ghastly sight. There was so much blood everywhere. And I'm pretty sure that even if they didn't voice it aloud, most of the present medical staff thought that he wouldn't make it."

Julian looked from Mr. Delon to the sleeping patient.

"Have you ever suffered from any kind of burn?" Mr. Delon asked, turning toward him.

When Julian just shook his head, his eyes strayed back to the man on the bed. "I have. When I was younger, I had an accident involving some bad chemicals. I got several second-degree burns on my arms and legs and I only remember the pain. So hot and searing that I felt as if one was ripping off my limbs. It was an experience I never want to repeat. And it's something I never wish on anybody."

He looked Julian straight in the eye. His scrutinizing eyes were looking straight inside him. "That is what qualifies a good doctor, Julian. Experience. Knowledge of the pain your patient is going through. You have to know it. You have to feel it yourself in order to understand how much your patient is suffering. You need the experience of that pain, so it fuels your desire to help them. Only when you went through the same, you really understand what those people are going through."

Julian averted his gaze. He swallowed. "I… I've never thought about it that way…"

"You should," René said, crossing his arms over his chest. "So, tell me, Julian, have you ever suffered any injuries during your young life? Anything that would help you, as a doctor, to better understand your patients?"

Julian frowned, slightly taken off guard by the unusual question. He thought for a moment.

"I broke my arm when I was eight. I was doing a bicycle race with my father and fell," he said slowly.

René was nodding. "Anything else?"

Julian wasn't sure what the older doctor wanted to hear. It was an unusual question. But so was René's idea of a good healer.

He thought for another moment and the first thing that sprang to his mind was the time he'd spent in hospital at Adigeon Prime. He remembered the smell of disinfecting agents, the headache he had from the treatments, his whole body hurting when suddenly everything changed. The fear of being alone in a hospital full of strangers, the fear of being left behind, of never seeing his parents again. It wasn't a pleasant memory, and surely none he could share with René.

His thoughts skipped some years. He remembered slipping on muddy ground, falling off a rocky slope, his ten-year-old body half falling, half tumbling down, hitting the edge of sharp rocks and brushwood on the way down like a ragdoll until he'd slammed into the dusty ground and an unpleasant coppery taste had come filling his mouth. He hadn't been able to move, his insides feeling as if someone had rammed something into him. He remembered not getting enough air, remembered coughing up blood while at the same time tears had streamed down his smeared cheeks at his own helplessness. The internal bleeding had been so severe that they'd needed to operate on him, and he remembered spending the next day in a lonely hospital room where no one had come to his comfort. He closed his eyes at the memory and took a deep breath. It was unlikely that the incident was showing up in his medical file, and he didn't feel the slightest inclination to give René an excuse to dig up things he'd rather left buried.

"I got a broken nose at the Academy," he finally said, hoping that it would be enough for René. "One of my friends was having a row with another student and when I tried to stop them I was caught in the line of his punch."

He heard René chuckle. "Yes, I read that."

Julian's thoughts spun back in time, toward the accident three years ago at Starfleet Medical. He remembered the pain in his head, the pain in his body when he'd felt as if he was being burnt alive. He remembered the despair and the hot agony, the feeling of being abandoned and discarded like something broken, something that was no longer of use. He remembered the blurred days he'd spent in ICU afterwards. But it was too private a memory to share with René. He knew that his medical file didn't contain any information on that particular event, either, and he wanted to leave it at that.

"And that about sums it up," he said, hoping that it would be enough for René.

The older man nodded. "You're still young. You're at the beginning of your journey. Just keep it in mind. No matter what you'll go through, no matter what physical pain you'll suffer, it is all for a greater good. It'll help you with your profession as a doctor. Looking at it that way, it makes everything a lot easier."

René smiled and clapped him on the shoulder.

Julian threw another last look at the patient in the otherwise quiet room and followed Mr. Delon back out into the corridor.

"So, now tell me, Julian, have you already plans for this weekend, let's say on Saturday?" René suddenly said as he waited for Julian to catch up with him.

Julian shook his head. "No, not yet."

"Good! Because I'd like to invite you and Palis out on that day. You look like you could use a day off, and I have just the right thing in mind."

"Sir?" Julian asked, slightly unsure.

But Mr. Delon just grinned. "It'll be a surprise. I already took the liberty to check the date with my daughter. So this Saturday it is. I'm sure you'll like it!"

Julian couldn't help wondering what René had in mind. It was the first time that he was inviting them out. But he was his future father-in-law. So it was only natural that he wanted to spend time with them every once in a while.

Julian took a deep breath. "I'm looking forward to it."

Another content smile played around René's lips. "As well you should be."

=/\=

The week passed quickly and before he knew he was standing with Palis on a field at the outskirts of Paris, the cold November air pricking his cheeks. Thanks to René's warning, he was wearing a thick sweater underneath a comfortably warm winter jacket, his hands in gloves and a thick muffler wrapped around his neck. Next to him, Palis was hopping impatiently from one foot to the other, her cheeks rosy beneath the white hat and the white muffler she had securely wrapped around her. Her hands stuck in thick white gloves and she was beaming, rubbing her hands together to keep them warm.

It was the end of November, and the sky was a thick grey. Julian almost expected it to snow but René must have been lucky with his choice of date because apart from the icy wind, there was no rain or snow threatening to spoil their little adventure.

He still didn't know what René had in mind. The older man had been so enigmatic about it, but he seemed to enjoy keeping them in the dark so Julian presumed that whatever they were about to do must be something René was sure at least Palis would enjoy.

"There he is," Palis pointed when René came toward them.

"I'm sorry for having kept you waiting!" the older man apologized quickly. He carried something black in his hands. It looked like some kind of helmet.

"So, Papa, would you mind telling us why you dragged us out here into the middle of nowhere on a Saturday afternoon?" Palis said with a raised brow, her eyes sparkling with anticipation.

René smirked and threw the thing he held at Julian. Startled, Julian caught it, turning it over in his hands.

"Horseback riding," was everything René said.

"You can't be serious!" Palis exclaimed, voicing aloud Julian's thoughts exactly. Only that there was not a spark of joy at the words in his heart.

He stared at the helmet in his hands. _Horseback riding_. René couldn't be serious. It was one of the few things he wasn't ready for. He'd never done anything like it. He was sure that he would be able to manage, but he knew that he wouldn't be able to truly enjoy it. There were only a few things in his life he wasn't keen on trying out. And that included riding a horse. He didn't know why but he chalked it up to his inability to deal with animals. He wasn't actually afraid of them. But he did have a certain respect. It was odd that he felt that way with all his enhancements because intellectually he knew that he would have no problem riding a horse, even if it was the first time in his life. But on a more emotional level, he was nervous.

"Julian, did you hear that? Papa, that's so… so…" Palis burst with joy, wrapping her arms around her father's neck and hugging him. "Thank you, Papa, you know how much that means to me."

Julian offered a wry smile. How on earth was he supposed to get out of this one?

"Now, let's get going. I don't want you two to freeze to death out here," René said as he started walking toward a big round structure in the distance.

Palis grabbed Julian's hand, pulling him with her. "You know, Julian, when I was little, I was obsessed with horses and everything that had to do with them. Papa took me riding as often as he could, and I was always looking forward to it. But when I grew older, it became more and more difficult to find enough time to fit it into my schedule. And when I finally entered Starfleet Academy, I gave it up for good. I don't know why, but it never crossed my mind in all this time to try it out again…"

Julian just nodded as he followed them toward the paddock, still thinking of a way how to drop out of this. But he realized with dismay, that there was none. He'd just have to go through with it, if he liked it or not.

When they arrived and René got them their horses, Julian only watched from the side while René and Palis got down to work to prepare everything for their ride.

René gave him a quick lesson how to get on and off his horse, how to hold the reins and what commands to utter. Julian memorized everything René told him and when they swung up on their horses, he sat in the saddle as if he'd never done anything else in his life.

"Julian, as it's your first time, we'll go easy on it!" Mr. Delon said as he steered his horse next to Julian's. "You see the meadow over there? That's where we'll go first. From there we'll cross the forest, get out onto the hills and come back in a circle."

Julian only nodded, his hands damp with sweat. He got out of his gloves to have a better grip on the reins and stuffed the gloves into the side pockets of his jacket.

"Ready?" René asked and when both Palis and Julian nodded, he led his horse over to the gate to get on their way.

Julian's hands grabbed the reins in such a force that his knuckles turned white. He tried his best to adjust to the strange sensation of sitting on a horse and being carried across the landscape far above the ground. And he was surprised at how well he managed. It took him some minutes to find the right rhythm but then he managed to keep up with René and Palis as they rode over the damp grass and through the thick forest.

After a while, he felt his heartbeat come back to normal – and strangely found himself enjoying the experience. It was something he'd never done before. And certainly never would have. At least not if it hadn't been for René.

"Julian, you sure you've never done this before?" Palis asked with a frown.

They were leaving the forest for the rolling hills when suddenly something happened.

He only heard a faint crack, as if his horse had stamped on a twig, but suddenly he was almost knocked backward off the saddle when his horse sped up without warning.

He instinctively clutched the reins, trying it with a "ho" he had learnt from René to make the horse stop. But in vain. The animal sped up and it was all he could do to try to not fall off it when it dashed over the green.

"Julian!" he heard a faint voice call out behind him, but he couldn't turn. He was frantically trying to make the horse stop, shouting commands that didn't show any effect. They were flying over the grass, ever faster, ever wilder, the cold November air icy on his cheeks. He had no idea where Palis and René were, his only desperate thought that he needed to bring his horse to a halt.

"Ho," he shouted again, frantically pulling at the reins.

And all of a sudden his horse reared.

Julian startled, and tried to cling to the reins but the force with which he was thrown backwards was too strong. The leather slipped from his stiff hands – and he fell.

He instinctively tried to break his fall with his arm.

And heard the sharp snap of bones. His shoulder slammed into the ground and the wind was knocked out of his lungs. His head connected with something hard. And then everything went black.

He could only have been unconscious for a few minutes because the next thing he knew he was lying curled up on the ground on his side, his cheek against the damp grass and Palis' blurred face before his eyes. Her voice came from far away, as if he were hearing it under water.

"…lian! JULIAN!"

A low moan escaped his lips and he tried to speak but no sound came out. Instead, hot pain stabbed through his lungs when he tried to take a breath. It was like a hot shard burying itself into his ribs. He coughed in reflex, tasting blood. He didn't know what was wrong, so he tried to roll over onto his back but found it impossible to move. His arms and legs just wouldn't obey.

"Papa! PAPA!" he heard Palis shout, and the next moment she was stroking the hair from his forehead. Her face slowly became clearer. Her eyes were wide with fear. "Julian, oh my goodness. Are you ok?"

She quickly produced something from her pocket and dapped it at his face, under his nose.

He wanted to tell her that he couldn't move his arms nor legs, but the words were stuck in his throat. He couldn't even turn his head. The sharp pain from his ribs and shoulder made it almost impossible for him to draw another breath. His head was throbbing so persistently that it was even difficult to hold on to one train of thought. He tried to recall how he'd fallen, tried to narrow down the possibility of his injuries but he only found a black void where his memory of the accident should have been. Panic reached out for him.

Then René was suddenly there. He almost leaped from his horse and came running over to them, his face dark with worry when he saw Julian's crumpled and unmoving form sprawled on the damp grass.

"Don't move him, Palis," the older man shouted, even as he jogged closer, "we don't know how badly he's hurt. Let me see first."

While he came closer, he took of his helmet, and knelt down next to the unmoving young man. "I'm here, Julian," he said as he quickly cupped Julian's face with one hand, as if to comfort him. René urged him to look at him. "Don't worry, everything is going to be alright. You'll be okay, do you hear me! But I need to see how badly you're injured." Then his eyes strayed to Julian's arms and legs. Even through the pain, Julian knew that his left arm was probably bent at an impossible angle, immobilized under his body and he tried not to imagine what else had been damaged during his fall. His heart was racing, cold dread building in his chest at his unmoving body but it was all he could do to concentrate on taking one painful breath after another.

With a quick accustomed look, René had already determined his next steps. "We need to get him onto his back. Palis, I'll stabilize him. You take his shoulder and push him slowly over." He quickly moved behind Julian, and unfasted the helmet. Then he slowly slid two hands halfway into Julian's collar, supporting the young man's neck while at the same time he counted down to three. Together they slowly turned him over from the side onto his back. The movement took the pressure from Julian's injured arm, making the young man reflexively yelp at the pain. "Ssh, I know. But we need to see what we're dealing with," the older man said soothingly, obviously already making mental notes of Julian's condition.

Julian tried to speak, to tell him that something was utterly wrong, but Rene was already there, checking his pupils. His head hurt so much that it was so difficult to think. He hardly got any air into his lungs and his whole chest felt like someone had buried a knife in it.

"We have to call an emergency team. As far as I can see he's most probably a concussion and some other fractures, most likely a cervical spine trauma. We cannot risk moving him." While Palis nodded and ran over to her horse to get the communit out of her bag, René quickly opened Julian's jacket. The cold air was unpleasantly chilly on his exposed skin when René gently rolled up his sweater and ran his hands over Julian's chest and abdomen, his apt fingers probing and pressing at different places.

"….can't….breathe…." Julian finally managed, his voice only a choked whimper. Now that he was lying on his back, he felt as if something invisible was pressing down on him. He barely got enough air. The agony from his chest and shoulder was now so hot that he feared he was going to be sick. "Can't…. feel…"

"I thought so," René said as his hands quickly finished the examination. Then he rolled Julian's sweater back down, took off his own jacket and tugged it over Julian's shivering body. He bent closer to him, stroking his hair. The young man was by now shivering all over. "Try to relax and don't move. You're in shock, that's probably why you can't move. Your body is trying to protect itself and doesn't comply with any orders your brain might give at the moment. You've got some broken ribs and your lung might be punctured which is why you have trouble breathing. We'll bring you over to our hospital. You'll be up and about in no time."

Julian couldn't even manage a nod. Palis was back, kneeling down next to him and taking his cold hand in hers. Another moment later, he heard voices. Two persons had arrived, carrying an antigrav stretcher.

One of them knelt down next to him.

"Cervical spine trauma," René stated quickly. "We need to stabilize him and get him over for surgery. I recommend we transport him directly. It's too risky to get him on an antigrav stretcher."

The medic nodded as he administered some kind of neck brace with Rene's help, trying to move Julian as little as possible. The young man closed his eyes, fighting his mounting dread and sickness as he was being prepared for transport. He was shaking violently by now. His teeth were chattering, even through the heating blanket one of the men had tugged around his body. There was no doubt that René was right. He was in shock.

Something cold touched his neck and he heard the familiar hiss of a hypospray. Only a few seconds later, the excruciating pain became a little more bearable. _Painkillers._ He took a desperate breath and it felt like the first in an eternity.

"Palis, bring back the horses. We'll see each other at the hospital," he heard René's voice. Then a warm hand suddenly covered his. "Everything is going to be alright, Julian, do you hear me? I'll take care of you. We'll put you in surgery and by tomorrow you'll be up and about, you'll see."

Julian didn't open his eyes. But he felt grateful beyond words that René was there in that moment. It was as if he was telling him that everything was going to be fine, it would. He desperately clung to that thought as he willed himself to keep breathing through the sharp pain even the dose of painkillers did not manage to smother.

"Ready for transport," one of the medics said. "Patient ready to transport over to emergency room 3."

Another moment later, the familiar tingle of a transporter beam enveloped them. Julian felt his surroundings shift. Suddenly, noises drifted through the dizziness of his mind and there was a familiar bustle around him. He heard people milling about the place, things being pushed around. Orders being shouted. Even through his closed eyelids he noticed that it was suddenly brighter around him. He was still sucking in shallow breaths, his mind spinning from the lack of oxygen. But then he felt something cupping the lower part of his face, securely covering his nose and mouth. An oxygen mask. Someone was touching his face.

"Julian, can you hear me?" René's voice.

He tried to open his eyes. René's familiar face came into view. Breathing still hurt and his whole body felt as if it were a stranger to him. The all-consuming pain had made room for a new sensation that was hardly any better. His arms and legs felt numb, but at the same time tingling unbearably, every touch on his skin sending flashes of pain along his battered nerves. From far away his medical mind kicked in, telling him that the sensory overload must come from an injury to his spinal cord.

"My body… everything hurts…" he said with a pained moan.

"That's good," René said and ran a tricorder over him. He punched in a quick series of commands.

Julian didn't know what was good. He felt so tired. Everything hurt. He wasn't sure if it was his fatigue or the effect of the painkillers, but he felt his thoughts slowly drift away…

"Stay with me, Julian," René's persistent voice urged. Someone was patting his cheek.

His eyelids came open again. He felt so utterly tired. He just wanted to sleep…

"That's good. Here we go," the older doctor said as he administered another hypo. Julian's world instantly became a little clearer. "How long until the scan is done?" René said to someone outside his field of vision.

"About five minutes."

"I'm sorry, Julian, but I cannot let you sleep just yet. We have to check your injuries. I have a scan of your body and blood vessels, but I need to see if there's any damage to your brain. And I need you to be conscious for that," René said, watching him intently.

"Okay…" Julian rasped. The inside of his throat felt sore and raw. As did his body. His chest hurt. His head hurt. The touch of the heating blanket hurt. He felt as if about everything in his body was broken, as if he'd shattered into a hundred of thousands of pieces. What if they were not able to put him back together? What if he suffered any permanent damage? His breathing grew erratic, mirrored by the quick beeping of the vital scanner.

"Everything is going to be alright, don't worry," René said as he lay a reassuring hand on his arm as if to comfort him. "I know that you're scared. But you'll be fine, you'll see." Then a smile suddenly played around the older man's lips as if he had just remembered something.

"Did you know that I met Palis' mother in ER?" René said suddenly. "I was the doctor assigned to nightshift duty on that day. And she was one of the nightshift nurses."

"Marie… is a nurse?" Julian asked in astonishment. He knew that René was trying to distract him and keep his mind busy until the scan was done but the sudden change in topics came as a surprise.

"Not any longer. But she was at that time. We were working at the same hospital. That night in the ER, it was the first time I noticed her." He chuckled. "I was young and so full of confidence. So I asked her out and we began dating. She was brilliant, gorgeous and the most beautiful woman I've ever met. We were totally in love…" He almost seemed wistful.

"What… happened?"

René put something into his tricorder and looked at him. "After Palis was born, she quit her job. Everything was just perfect. We had our little family. I had a loving wife and an adorable daughter. I was happy… but I noticed too late that Marie wasn't." He sighed. "It was my fault. I was too busy with work; I should have noticed that something was the matter with her. But I didn't. I did some things I'm not proud of. And so there was only one way for it to end… We broke up. But there is not one day that's passed since then that I didn't wish we were still together. That everything had turned out differently. I know that Marie doesn't talk about our time together and the fact that she still refuses to talk to me shows me how much I have hurt her."

He sighed. But suddenly squeezed Julian's arm.

"Don't worry. You and Palis, you're not me and Marie. I'm so happy my daughter has found someone like you. And I want the two of you to be happy together. I'll do everything in my power to make it happen." And with a smile he said: "And that includes patching you up again."

Julian's head swam. It was the first time he'd heard anything about René's and Marie's past. Neither of them had ever mentioned anything toward him. He tried to keep his eyes open, intent on hearing more of the story, but found it just impossible.

"Scan is ready. I put the results online, Sir."

"Okay, prepare for surgery," he heard René like from far away. At his command, everything around him erupted into a busy bustling.

A hand reaching for his. "Everything's going to be okay, Julian. We're lucky. You broke your fifth and sixth neck vertebrae and the fracture exercises pressure on your spinal cord. We'll put you in surgery. By tomorrow, you'll be up and about, you'll see. You did well, now let me do my job."

He felt the touch of another hypo. He wasn't sure if it was the effect of the sedative or his own exhaustion rolling over him but another moment later his consciousness had already been swept away by the dark wave that came washing over him.


	7. Chapter 7

**\- Chapter 6 -**

_Paris, December 1st, 2368_

"I'll never do horseback riding again," Julian said with a wry smile, trying to cheer himself up as much as his fiancée who stood by the window, gazing outside at the rooftops of the busy city around them.

"I really don't know how this could have happened," Palis shook her head. "I've talked to the paddock owner. He was shocked. He's ridden Blacky for years. He said that she's not the kind of horse to be startled so easily. He really had no idea what had come over her. He was so sorry."

She slowly came back toward his bed and perched on one side, running her fingers gently through his hair. He closed his eyes and just enjoyed her warm touch. She had not been the only one frightened by the accident. It was pure luck that he hadn't sustained any more severe injuries. He'd suffered some cervical spine trauma, breaking the fifth and sixth cervical vertebrae, but luckily the injury had been easily treated in surgery and he wasn't in any danger of suffering any permanent damage. Still, the incident had managed to chill him to the core.

It wasn't until the next day, that they had allowed him any visitors. René had promised him to inform Palis that he was okay, reminding him that he needed rest above all and that even though surgery had been a success, he still needed time to recover from the accident. Julian had only nodded, too tired and drained to think about talking to anyone in that moment. He'd slept through the night and most of the next day. But René had kept his word and he had woken to the familiar sight of his fiancée, sitting in a chair next to his bed.

When she'd noticed that he was awake, she'd hugged him fiercely, clinging to him as if she'd thought she'd lost him forever.

"I guess it just wasn't my day…" he sighed. "We should try out something less risky. What about tennis? Next time, we'll give tennis a try."

Palis smiled. "Sounds only fair."

There was a knock on the door and they both turned to see René come through the door.

"I see you're finally awake," the older man said with a smile as he came closer, his white lab tunic billowing out behind him. "I'm sorry that I couldn't come earlier. It's been quite a busy day."

"Papa, I'm so glad to see you," Palis said, as she stood up and quickly hugged her father. "What about his injuries? Will he make a full recovery?"

René nodded with a fatherly smile, turning toward Julian. "You were lucky. There's no permanent damage. As I told Julian yesterday before surgery, there was a fracture of the fifth and sixth neck vertebrae. His spinal cord was under great pressure due to the fracture which was causing the numbness in his body. We mended the fracture and repaired the damage to his nerves. He's as good as new."

Julian couldn't help a grimace. "I wouldn't actually say I was lucky... I don't seem to be made for horseback riding. You two have done it for so many years, and the first time I try it out, it ends in a complete disaster…"

René chuckled, clapping him on the shoulder. "Just look at the bright side. Now you do have a longer list of medical injuries to show for. Always remember, a good doctor knows the pain his patients are going through."

Julian only returned a crooked smile. He still felt tired and wondered if it was due to the painkillers and drugs they were still giving him. While René went over to change the cartridge of his IV, Julian couldn't help but notice a strange shadow crossing Palis' features. She was watching her father's back, obviously lost in thought. But the shadow was gone in a second and he wasn't sure if he'd only imagined it.

"So, you'll have to stay in bed for another few days, but you'll be up and about at the end of this week. Since you're responding well to the treatment, I will change your medication down to a lower dose and another painkiller," Palis' father said, as he checked the cartridge and turned to the young couple.

"Julian, has Palis already invited you over to our Christmas party on Christmas Eve?"

Palis face instantly lit up. Julian dimly recalled her talking about the event, but it had been some weeks ago and she hadn't brought the topic up again.

Before he could answer, Palis was already bursting out in delight. "You'll love it, Julian. We're having a Christmas party at Papa's house. Papa's family will be there and some friends as well. And we'll have a real Christmas tree!" Her cheeks were glowing like that of a small child. "We'll have dinner and some _Bouche de Noel_ and…"

"I'd be glad to come along," Julian smiled. Only the sight of her girl-like anticipation made a warm feeling spread in his chest, and he had to fight the urge to sweep her up in his arms because it was something he certainly wouldn't want to do in front of her father.

"Good, I'm looking forward to it," René said as he threw another quick glance at Julian's vitals. "I'll be back later to check on you."

With that the older doctor was already gone – and Palis leaned finally forward to kiss him.

He savored the kiss as long as it lasted, wishing he wasn't confined to bed and connected to an IV. He really did hate IVs. He had enough of those already to last him a lifetime.

"Julian," Palis suddenly frowned, "what did my father mean by now you have a longer list of medical injuries to show for?"

He shifted uneasy in bed. "Well, your father seems to think that a good doctor needs to know the pain his patient is going through. He says that you can only be a true healer with the true will to heal people if you can understand their pain. And in order to understand their pain, you need to have experienced it yourself."

Palis looked at him aghast. "My father… said this?" The strange shadow was back on her face.

Julian sighed. "Yeah… it seems to be one of his firm believes… I mean, I do understand what he's getting at. But going through all your patient's sicknesses is just impossible. There are just so many. And I really don't set great store in submitting my life to the experience of pain."

Palis kept silent, but her mood seemed suddenly dampened.

"Now, let's talk about your father's Christmas party," he changed topics, trying to cheer her up. "I won't need to wear a tuxedo or anything like that, will I? It's nothing official, with representatives of other hospitals or something like that."

Palis' features became softer again. And slowly a reluctant grin spread across her face. "No, don't worry. It's just you and me, my father and his family and friends. And no, you won't have to wear a tuxedo. Not unless you want to." She kissed his cheek. "The dinner we'll have will be great. You can help me with the decorations. I usually help Papa with preparing everything, but I could really need some help. The stuff is getting more and more every year…"

"Will your Mum be there?" Julian asked, even though he thought he already knew the answer.

"No," Palis shook her head, "she never comes to the event. But we could go over in the morning and have some breakfast with her. I think she'd like that. What do you think?" Palis asked.

But Julian wasn't really listening any longer.

There was a strange sensation in the tips of his fingers. He concentrated on the peculiar feeling but noticed with dismay that it was spreading. It was like a tingling, like small soldier ants marching along his skin. Like if his arms had fallen asleep due to a lack of circulation. He frowned, and stretched and flexed his fingers. But to no avail. He scratched his forearms.

"Julian?"

He shook his head. "It's somewhat itchy," he tried to explain. But the strange sensation wouldn't stop. The tingling soon changed into some kind of burning. And not only in his hands. It was like an uncomfortable ripple that ran through him. His legs started to ache, and the burning in his hands and arms soon felt as if he were holding them into fire.

He involuntarily gasped against the sudden pain and gritted his teeth.

"Julian? What's wrong?" he heard Palis' worried voice.

"I… don't know," he said just before another a wave of pain surged through him, making him cry out in spite of himself.

"Julian?"

"Some… Something's…" he began when another cry involuntarily ripped from his throat. The burning grew unbearable. And it didn't stop. The burning sensation shot through his body until every nerve of his body felt on fire. He tried to breathe through the sudden pain, trying to make out its source. But his whole body suddenly felt as if it was being pierced with hot needles, his vision drowned by a sudden stabbing sensation in his eyes. It felt as if someone had emptied a bucket of seething water over him.

He cried out against the hot agony that wrapped itself like a living thing around him, his body convulsing as his neural pathways were all at once overloaded with the sensation.

"We need a doctor!" he heard Palis' shout like from far away. Soon there was commotion about him. But he was too drowned in the heated fire that was raging through his body as to really register what was going on around him. He thrashed wildly, trying to escape the all-consuming heat.

"What happened?"

He only realized that he was screaming when something heavy pressed him down onto the bed. He bucked against it, squirming and tearing, his only desperate thought that he was going to die.

"It's the corazine! He's having an allergic reaction. Hold him down!" a voice shouted over his own.

He was writhing with pain, unseeing, unable to stop the hot agony that was pulsing through his body.

Through the haze in his mind, he felt that someone was roughly pulling out the IV. People were shouting about him. He couldn't take the pain! He couldn't take the pain! Make it stop!

He threw up. Someone was hastily turning him over as his stomach clenched convulsively.

"It's the corazine. We have to get it out of his system," someone was yelling.

He shook violently. He had no air. He couldn't breathe. His whole body felt as if it were breaking apart. He was going to die. He was going to die!

"My god, he's crashing. Get Dr. Delon down here. Emergency transport to ER 4."

He couldn't see. He no longer knew where he was. The only thing that existed was the excruciating pain. He was losing this battle. He felt everything slip farther and farther away.

Something cold touched his neck.

And then everything went black.

=/\=

When he slowly opened his eyes, he wasn't sure if he was still alive.

He had no idea how long he'd been unconscious. It could have been hours or days and it wouldn't have made any difference. He had lost all sense of time and he had no idea where he was.

Sleepily, he blinked, and strained to remember what had happened. He only remembered the pain. So hot and consuming that it had been all he could do to cry out against the agony that had taken hold of his body in utter helplessness. As if he had been burnt alive. His whole body had felt like on fire, as if his skin had been peeled off his body.

He shuddered at the memory.

His eyelids felt so heavy. It was impossible for him to hold them open for more than a few seconds. But at least the pain was gone. Instead, an almost pleasant numbness filled his body. He tried to lift one arm up to his face to see for real that he was not severely burnt but found it just impossible to move.

"Hey," a gentle voice next to him said. His mind tried to place where he knew the voice from. Ever so slowly, he willed his eyes open again.

And then René was there, perching on the side of his bed. He wore a sad smile as his hand reached out to stroke over Julian's tousled hair.

"You gave us quite a turn," the older man said, genuine worry reflecting in his eyes.

"W-what…" Julian tried, just to wince at his own voice. He barely sounded like himself.

"Don't, Julian. Don't try to speak just yet. You had an allergic reaction to the corazine we gave you. You suffered quite a severe anaphylactic shock. We needed to counteract the shock and get the corazine out of your system. It was difficult, but we managed. You're in quite a drugged state at the moment. We needed to place you in ICU," René spoke softly, still stroking his hair, like a father trying to comfort his child.

Julian felt his eyelids close even against his will. That was why he felt so groggy. He could barely hold on to one train of thought.

"You'll be okay, soon. Just give your body some time to cope with what happened. You'll be feeling stronger soon."

René's voice was comforting, and his mere presence was lulling him into some feeling of security. In that moment, it wasn't his mentor speaking. It was his future father-in-law, tending to the fiancé of his daughter. It felt like family. He couldn't tell how grateful he was that René was there. His touch was warm and affectionate, telling him that everything would be fine.

He tried to hold on to the here-and-now, concentrating on René's touch… but finally lost the battle when exhaustion took him once again. It came like a wave. And Julian didn't have any strength to fight it.

=/\=

The next time he woke, he felt a lot stronger.

Yet again, he opened his eyes to the familiar sight of Dr. Delon perching on his bed, a hypo still in his hand.

"Welcome back," the older man smiled. And in response to his unspoken question, he said: "You've been asleep for two days. It was finally about time to bring you back."

Julian blinked sleepily. "Two days?"

"You had an allergic reaction to the corazine, the lower dose painkiller we gave you," René said with a stern look on his face. "Your body was literally shutting down from one moment to the other and you suffered a quite severe anaphylactic shock. We needed to purge the corazine from your system and give your body some time to recuperate. The last two days, you would drift in and out of consciousness occasionally, but you've slept for most of the time. You were given a lot of different medication, so you might feel a little giddy from the aftereffects now. But it'll pass soon." Then the older doctor got up.

"Are you hungry?"

Julian tried to get his head around it all, still feeling rather overwhelmed by the situation. First the horseback riding accident, then the corazine. He really seemed to have a monopoly on bad luck recently… He tried to straighten a little in bed and nodded. He did feel hungry indeed. His stomach was grumbling for his attention like if he hadn't had anything for days…

Dr. Delon went over to the replicator and soon came back with a tray. He helped Julian sit up in bed. "For the beginning, I recommend you start with something light, like some porridge. You might still feel a little nauseous from the treatments." He handed Julian a spoon, which the young man gratefully took.

Reluctantly, Julian spooned some of the porridge into his mouth. He still felt a little lightheaded and strangely tired but having something to put into his stomach was working miracles.

Dr. Delon watched him eat. "So, Julian, what is it about you and hospitals?" the older doctor suddenly asked with a fatherly smile.

"Sir?" Julian looked up, perplexed.

Dr. Delon shook his head. "René," he suddenly said. "You don't need to call me 'sir'. You're going to marry my daughter which basically means we're family. So forget about Mr. Delon or Sir. I'm just René, Palis' father."

Julian didn't know what to respond but knew that he must be blushing. René must have noticed because he came to his rescue: "I'm just curious. When you drifted in and out of consciousness, you would sometimes utter things. Once you told me that you hated hospitals. And that you had enough of them to last you a lifetime."

Julian could feel his heart stop dead in his chest. "Did I?" he tried to sound nonchalant. "W-What else did I say?" He could only pray that he hadn't said anything stupid.

René chuckled. "That you hated old-school IVs. That you hated the moment when the needle enters you skin. That you hated the burning and the pain."

Julian looked at him aghast.

"I was just wondering what you meant by it." The older doctor was searching his face, as if he was aware that Julian hadn't been completely honest about his medical history. Julian bit his lower lip, his heart thumping painfully in his chest.

"I-I…" he began, cursing his stammer. "I spent a lot of time in hospital when my grandmother died. She was confined to bed and her condition was deteriorating slowly. My mother took me to see her every other day for two weeks before her death. I was only twelve, and I still remember how much I hated having to go to that hospital. I didn't want to see her die like that. She was unconscious, and every time I saw her she looked a little farther gone…" He was amazed at how easily the lie came over his lips.

René squeezed his shoulder. "I'm sorry to hear that. Is that the reason why you chose to become a doctor?"

This time Julian couldn't help a grin. "Well, it's only half of it. I don't like seeing people suffer. I've considered becoming a doctor for years, but the truth is, that I wanted to become a professional tennis player above all."

The older doctor arched one brow. "Tennis? Why did you choose a medical career instead?"

Julian sighed. "Because I wasn't good enough for tennis. It turned out, however, that I was good in the medical field. Now, in hindsight, I'm glad I chose medicine before tennis."

René chuckled. "And the IVs? When did you encounter old-school IVs?"

Julian avoided his gaze. He would have preferred to not answer the question but knew that he didn't have a choice. "When I was ten. I accompanied my father on a diplomatic mission to another world. I got sick and needed to be treated in the local hospital. They still had those old IVs, those with actual needles…"

"I see," René nodded. "There's nothing about it in your medical file." Julian wasn't sure if it was a simple question or if he heard a nuance of accusation.

"I was only sick with a fever, nothing serious," he lied, not meeting René's eyes. "What – what else did I say?" Julian tried to hide his anxiousness.

"Only that you love Palis and that you're sorry," René smiled. "You really love her, don't you?"

Julian nodded truthfully. "More than anything else."

"Good," the older man clapped him on the shoulder. "I'm happy for you both." Then he said, as if in afterthought: "Don't worry, I already told Palis that you're doing well. She was so worried about you, she refused to leave the hospital. I had to promise her to keep her up to date on every progress you made. I will later tell her that you're awake. I'll keep you here in ICU until tomorrow, just to be sure, but then we'll transfer you down to the regular ward. You can see her tomorrow morning."

Julian couldn't help a smile. "Thank you," he said and finished his porridge. A pleasant warmth was now emanating from his stomach. When René retrieved the tray and helped him lie down on the bed again, Julian felt exhausting roll again over him like a wave. It was like a magic trick. As soon as his head hit the pillow, he felt all energy pour out of him at once.

"Don't fight it, Julian. Your body knows best what it needs right now. Just relax. I'll be here when you wake up."

Julian tried to murmur a reply, but another moment later, he'd already fallen into a dreamless slumber.

=/\=

"Oh my goodness, you look awful, Julian."

It was the first thing that came over her lips when Palis came into the room, a big bunch of flowers in her hands. She quickly crossed the room, wrapping her arms around his neck and hugged him as close as it was possible with him still lying in bed.

He drew her close, and they kissed. He savored the fleeting moment of being just the two of them, absorbed with each other, before Palis released the embrace and sat back to look at him.

"I was so worried, Julian. They said that it was an allergic reaction, but you were screaming and trashing. You seemed in so much pain. I didn't know what to do." A shudder seemed to course through her at the memory. "I was so afraid of losing you." She hugged him again. A desperate hug that spoke of genuine relief.

"Believe me, Palis, it's nothing I ever want to repeat," he tried to lift her mood. "I not only look awful. I feel awful. They kept me in ICU for three days and I was literally drugged all the time so that I don't remember much of it." He swallowed. "But according to your father, everything's fine. I was lucky they were able to get the corazine out quickly. I don't dare image what would have happened if not. I don't seem to attract luck recently… First the horseback riding incident, now this…"

Palis squeezed his hand. "I brought you something." And with that she opened her bag and produced a small paper bag. She offered it to him with a mischievous smile.

When he took the bag and opened it, a cinnamon roll came out.

"I thought it might cheer you up a bit," she shrugged nonchalantly and the way she was watching him made him wish he could sweep her up in his arms and carry her to a place somewhere alone. But he was in no condition to walk somewhere, let alone carry her. He still felt so weak, he couldn't even get out of bed without help.

So he settled with a grin and a loving "You didn't happen to have had one on your way here, too?"

She cuffed his arm and looked around. "Did they tell you how long you need to stay here?"

Julian shook his head. "Another one or two days I guess. At least it is what I would prescribe."

"I see, you're feeling better already, Julian," another voice came suddenly from the door. When they both turned, it was Michael coming through the door. When his eyes spotted Palis, his face lit up and he gave her a warm welcome. Then his attention focused back on Julian and he took a quick look at his vitals.

"So, how do you feel?" Michael asked as he took out his tricorder to run a quick scan.

"Better, I guess," Julian answered truthfully. His body still felt heavy and a little numb, as if it wasn't really his, but the pain had completely receded.

Michael nodded, as if he was satisfied with the scan results. Then he pocketed his tricorder and drew up a chair. "I take it you already spoke with René about what happened. I'm glad you're responded well to the treatment and as René probably already told you, you'll be able to get out of bed by the end of this week. But there's one thing, I wanted check," he slowly began, as if he wasn't sure how to phrase it. "I read René and Solok's report on the incident. After your allergic reaction to the corazine, I checked your medical file because I found it odd that there was nothing mentioned about your allergy to corazine there, considering the fact that the anaphylactic shock you suffered was quite severe. Your medical file really didn't mention anything, so I assume that you never had an experience with the substance that would warrant a warning entry in your file. But I did notice that it stated that you didn't tolerate lorasine very well. As you might know, the structure of corazine and lorasine is quite similar and thus an intolerance against one substance most likely entails an intolerance against the other one."

When Palis shot the younger doctor a quizzical gaze, Michael let out a long sigh. "You should have never been given corazine. The risk of an anaphylactic shock would have been too high."

Julian felt uneasy at Michael's words. But he felt even more so when the other doctor looked at him with a frown. "Lorasine is normally not administered unless for treatment of severe neural damage. I was just wondering what you were given it for. Your medical file doesn't really say anything about it but I daresay that you weren't given the neural drug without some solid reason. Lorasine is some quite hard stuff…"

Julian swallowed. He was conscious of Palis' questioning gaze.

"It was… an accident at the Academy," he finally said, settling for the truth. Or at least half of it. "I helped one of my teachers with an experiment but there was an accident. I suffered severe damage of my neural pathways in the course. Luckily, they were able to patch me up again."

He didn't turn to Palis, but he knew that she was most likely remembering the incident. She had been at Starfleet Medical at that time after all. And she had been bound to hear about it from Marin.

"I see," Michael nodded. Then he drew himself up. "May I have a word with you, Palis? I won't keep your time, but there's something I would like to talk to you about."

"You're not going to talk about me, are you?" Julian joked but from the look on Michael's face he must have hit the mark. Still, the other doctor didn't comment.

"I'll be right back," Palis promised, as she followed Michael out the door.

Julian leaned back against the pillow with a sigh and closed his eyes. He could still hear Palis' and Michael's footsteps in the corridor, and their faint voices drifting through the gap in the door. Sometimes he cursed his enhanced ability to hear other people's conversations. He wasn't keen on eavesdropping, but he couldn't really help it either. And he was curious what Michael had to say.

They must have stopped a few meters down the corridor because he could still hear Michael's voice pretty clearly.

" _Palis, I don't know how to phrase it… but I'm worried about Julian. First the horseback riding accident, now the corazine."_

Silence.

" _Have you noticed that there's something off between your father and Julian? Did your father or Julian mention anything? Or is there any change in their mutual behavior?"_

" _I'm not sure. I haven't really spoken to my father lately. He's so busy with work. When he invited us out last Saturday, it was the first time in months. And then there was the horseback riding accident and then later the incident with his allergic reaction. My father kept me up to date on his condition, but we haven't really talked about anything else. I don't think Julian's mentioned anything either. Why do you ask? Is something wrong?"_

A sigh. _"I don't know. It's just the way René is treating him. It's not always nice to watch, to put it mildly. It's like… René's really hard on him. He doesn't make it easy for Julian. He puts him through a lot, and he doesn't seem to have any scruples to let all his other staff bear witness whenever he comes down on him for doing something wrong. On the other side, he's praising his talent and it's obvious how proud he is of him. He has a really high opinion of him. I really don't know. But I can't shake the feeling that something is off. René's behavior toward him… it's strange…"_

Another moment of silence. Then Michael's voice again.

" _René should have never authorized to give him the corazine. One look into his medical file should have been enough to not even consider it. I don't know if he was too busy to check – or if it just slipped his attention. But what happened to Julian is René's fault. And I just don't know how to deal with it. Usually, if this happened with another doctor, I would bring it to René's attention. But with René being the uppermost authority here, I would need to report it to the Paris medical board."_

A long silence. _"Which would not only bring my father into trouble, but also Julian because it would endanger his medical training here."_ Palis concluded.

" _I know. And it's about the only reason that has kept me from reporting the incident so far."_ A sigh. _"You know how much influence your father has. Even if I reported it to the Paris medical board, your father would find a way to shut any investigation down before it has even begun. And I'm afraid that in the end reporting the incident would do more harm than good. It would just give René another reason to let it out on Julian and that's about the last thing I want."_

For a long time, neither of them spoke.

" _For the time being, I would suggest keeping an eye on the situation. You can still report it if you get the feeling that my father did it on purpose. I will take care of Julian and see if I can find anything out."_ Palis voice became fainter and Julian strained to hear her next words. _"Michael, there's one thing I was wondering… The boy Julian tended to some weeks ago… the surgery that got Julian into trouble for having operated on a patient without supervision… I was wondering what that boy had been suffering from…"_

Michael seemed taken off guard. _"The boy was an asthmatic patient. He suffered an anaphylactic shock due to a change in his medication."_ A pause. Then a whisper. _"You don't think…? Palis, it's your father we're talking about!"_

" _Don't you think, it's too much of a coincidence?"_

They must have resumed walking because even though he strained to keep listening to their conversation, their voices grew ever more distant until he no longer heard them. Even his enhanced hearing wasn't able to follow them on their way through the hospital.

He sighed and rubbed his eyes.

He couldn't quite imagine René giving him the corazine on purpose. Given, it really was quite a coincident that he'd suffer an anaphylactic shock just as his young patient had. But he was sure that it was just that. A coincident. Even after all René's talking about a good doctor having to know the pain of his patients, he was confident that René would never do something that would cause him any real harm. The older doctor had seemed so genuinely worried back in ICU, as if the incident had shaken him as much as Palis and Julian.

He was glad that Michael was refraining from reporting the incident to the medical board for the time being. Julian didn't dare imagine the thunderstorm he would unleash if he did. He'd just keep an eye on René and watch the situation for a while… He was an adult after all. He should be able to look after himself...


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Big spoilers for The Secrets We Keep ahead. So if you haven't read the story yet, you better skip this chapter! (This chapter is not necessarily important to understand the rest of the story)
> 
> In the next chapter, we'll finally find out what happened to Julian shortly before he contacted Marin in the prolog XD

**Chapter 7**

_Paris, December 15 th, 2368_

“Hey!” A bright grin spread across Palis’ face when she saw him waiting on the sidewalk next to the entrance of her ballet academy, a thick muffler wrapped around his neck and his hands stuck into the side pockets of his coat. It was icy outside, and he could see his breath white before his eyes when he waved at her, waiting for her to make her way over to him through the crowd of students filing out into the cold December air.

“What are you doing here?” she asked with red cheeks and a sparkle in her eyes as she wrapped her arms around him and kissed him on the cheek.

“I thought that every once in a while it would be a nice idea to accompany you home after your training session,” he smiled. He didn’t mention the fact that getting some fresh air had also been an attempt to get to grips with the persistent headache that had accompanied him ever since he’d been released from hospital one week ago. Most of the time, he managed to handle it well enough but every now and then the pain would grow so unbearable that he was hardly able to think straight. He’d tried about everything he’d been able to come up with, from fresh air to some herbal tea Palis had bought him. He’d even consulted René who’d presumed that it was some aftereffect of the injury he’d sustained. Palis’ father had him undergo a row of tests, but the results had all come back frustratingly unsatisfying. However, the older doctor seemed convinced that it was only a matter of time until Julian was back to his old self and that he only had to hold out a little longer…

Palis waved at some friends who’d left the building with her before she took Julian’s hand. “Thank you, Julian. That’s so sweet!”

She kissed him again, and he felt himself blush a little. “I’m on late shift today, so I have the afternoon free. Do you want to take a walk?”

She smiled as he took her training bag and slung it over his shoulder. She linked arms with him as they walked through the busy streets full of lights and people. The wind was icy and the sky a dull grey and it almost looked as if it was soon beginning to snow.

Palis snuggled up to him. Only after a while, she suddenly said: “Julian… how are you getting along with my father?”

He shot her a quick side glance. Her gaze was directed straight ahead, and there was a sad shadow clouding her usually serene features. He couldn’t help recalling the conversation between her and Michael he’d overheard in hospital some days ago.

“Well…” he began but thought it best to stick to the truth. “It depends. Your father’s rather demanding. He knows exactly what he wants and I daresay that his expectations on his staff are quite high. I manage to get along with him quite well most of the time – but there are times when I wish he weren’t so strict…”

Palis finally turned toward him, concern written plainly over her face. He felt sorry for giving her any reason to worry about him. Sometimes he forgot how good-natured a person she was. She wore her heart on her sleeve and she was unable to hide her feelings which always immediately showed on her face.

She grimaced. “When you were in hospital… I had a talk with Michael.”

Julian involuntarily tensed. “You mean the one where you were secretly talking about me behind my back?” he joked, trying to make light of the matter. But Palis didn’t smile.

“He’s worried about you. He told me that my father’s really hard on you. Too hard sometimes. Michael is worried that sooner or later, it’ll become too much…That Papa will somehow cross a line…”

Julian sighed. “I can manage.”

She looked at him, and for the fraction of a second there was an earnestness to her features he’d rarely seen there. “You always say so. But I’m worried. I’m afraid that my father is going too far…”

Julian stopped, and took her by her shoulders. “Palis, I’m all grown up. I can put up with your father. Michael is right that there are times when I don’t know what your father’s thinking. But I can manage. A doctor’s job is not always easy.”

She looked barely convinced so he added: “And besides, I owe him so much. After my horseback riding incident, he tended to me like I was family. He didn’t leave my side. He was there, all the time. I’m really grateful for what he did for me. And even now, he’s adamant to help me recover from the accident. He’s having me undergo regular check-ups to make sure that I’m okay. And he said himself that he wants us to be happy. I’m convinced he’d do anything in his power just to make it happen.”

Palis gave him a sad smile. “I know…” She snuggled up closer, leaning her head against his shoulder. “It’s just…“ She sighed. “I don’t know…”

He put an arm around her. “Care for some cinnamon rolls?” he offered with a grin, trying to lead the conversation toward a more pleasant topic.

Her somber expression finally lightened. “Only one,” her lips drew into a reluctant smile. “I’ll see Maman tonight and she promised me some gorgeous dinner treat.”

“You’re seeing Marie?” he said as they made their way toward Palis’ favorite café. She nodded but didn’t look at him, as if she was afraid that he’d read something in her face he wasn’t supposed to. “Yeah. There’s something I wanted to talk to her about. And as you’re on nightshift tonight…” she didn’t finish the sentence, but he got the clue.

He kissed her on the head. “Say hello to your mother for me, will you. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

=/\=

“There you are!”

Startled by the sudden voice behind him, Julian whirled round, and half spilled his tea all over the floor. He silently cursed under his breath but to his great relief, it was only Michael who stood in the door to the break room, an amused smile on his face. “I was searching for you,” the other doctor offered apologetically as he came over to the replicator to get himself some coffee. With a quick glance at Julian’s mug, he lifted one eyebrow.

“No coffee today?”

Julian sighed and shook the spilled tea off his hand. “No. I’m still on medication and coffee is unfortunately off limits for the time being.”

Michael grimaced as if he knew exactly how hard it was for a doctor not being able to rely on a good shot of coffee. “I see,” he chuckled but almost instantly became serious again.

“You know, that’s exactly what I wanted to see you about. I’d like to do a check-up on you. It’s been a week since you were released from hospital and I’d just like to make sure everything is fine. It’s just a simple routine check-up and it won’t take long. I thought that we could do it tonight, whenever you have some time to spare.”

Julian looked up at Michael’s words, puzzled. He wasn’t sure why Michael saw it necessary to do a check-up on him. So far, Mr. Delon had made a point of having him undergo regular check-ups every other day to make sure he was okay, the results of which were automatically uploaded into his medical file. Why would Michael bother with another check-up when he was able to access the official information on Julian’s health condition anytime online?

“My next official check-up with Dr. Delon is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon,” Julian offered slightly unsure with a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Michael didn’t face him and took a sip of his coffee. “I know. René’s quite busy so I promised I will take over for him. When I checked your examination results this afternoon, your medical file said you’re still on medication…”

“Yes, I still get some neural stabilizers to help repair the nerve damage…”

Michael nodded. He leaned against the table, suddenly watching him with a frown. “I overheard you complaining to Magdalena about your headache yesterday. I didn’t know about the headache. There’s nothing about it in your medical file so I just wanted to check if it could be due to the medication and if there’s something we can do about it.”

Julian gave a wry smile. He couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something the other doctor wasn’t telling him. “I already talked to Dr. Delon about it and he said that it must be a side effect from the accident and that it’ll pass in a few days. Unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be much anyone can do about it.”

“I see. Can you lend me the hypo René has given you?”

The question took him off guard. Even if Michael didn’t say it aloud, he got the underlying message – especially after having overheard the secret conversation between Michael and Pails. It was pretty clear that Michael no longer trusted René when it came to Julian’s wellbeing. Why else would he want to have Julian undergo an own examination to check how he was doing? Julian didn’t know if he should feel reassured or worried about the fact but either way he unfortunately was of no great help. “I don’t have anything with me. Dr. Delon always administers the shots directly during the check-up,” he frowned, feeling all at once quite uncomfortable.

Michael’s face grew dark. “Okay.” There was obviously more he wanted to add, but whatever he was about to say was drowned by the sudden beeping of Julian’s messenger. Apparently, Dr. Delon had chosen the same moment to request him to come to his office. Michael seemed a bit crestfallen about the sudden call and that their conversation was so unexpectedly put to an end. But then he sighed and just said: “We can talk later about it. Just tell me whenever you’re free!”

Julian promised to give him a call later that night and hurried off toward René’s office. When he entered, though, he knew immediately that something was wrong. He cleared his throat and when the older man turned behind his desk, there was a hard to interpret expression on his face. He gestured for Julian to have a seat, making the young man feel as if he were back to being a student, summoned by his teacher because he’d done something wrong. Even though Julian had no idea what that could have been.

“You wanted to see me?” he reluctantly broke the heavy silence between them.

René sighed and suddenly pushed two padds that were lying on the table toward him. Perplexed, Julian stared at the padds, an unpleasant feeling churning in his stomach.

“I was wondering,” the older doctor said, “if you could tell me why you lied to me about your medical history.”

For a moment, he wasn’t sure he’d heard right. His confusion must have shown on his face because Dr. Delon propped himself with both arms on the desk and leaned forward. He took one of the padds and quickly thumbed it on.

“You told me that you once were with your father on a foreign world and got sick so that you needed to be treated in the local hospital. You told me that it was only a fever and nothing serious.” He pressed his lips into a tight line before he went on: “You must know yourself that doctors – even on a foreign world – won’t give you an IV just for a simple fever. I found it strange, so I did some investigations.”

Julian felt his heart miss a beat. “You did… what?” he said almost reflexively.

René arched one brow. “I contacted your father. He told me that you were on a planet called Invernia II when you were ten. It wasn’t really difficult to get some more information from there. I searched the database and this,” he held the padd demonstratively in mid-air, “is what I found.”

Julian stared at the padd, his mind racing.

“You had an accident. You fell down a precipice and suffered severe internal bleeding and had to be operated on. That’s where you got the IV. It wasn’t a simple fever. They said you were in quite a bad shape when you were brought in and that your condition was critical. You were barely conscious and had lost a lot of blood already. You obviously had to stay in hospital for several days…”

Julian felt a cold feeling growing in the pit of his stomach. Something was clutching at his heart.

“Tell me, Julian, why doesn’t your medical file say anything about the incident?”

He didn’t meet René’s gaze, his face flushing. “Because… my father didn’t want it to show up. He didn’t report it when we came back home,” he simply said even before he could even think about it.

“And why is that so?” René asked with arms crossed across his chest.

Julian tried to find a way out of this. But he knew he was trapped. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. He didn’t want to share this particular memory with René, but he was painfully aware that René knew too much. He wouldn’t be able to fool him.

He kept staring at the floor when he finally said: “Because he was worried about me. He knew that it would have disconcerted my mother. He didn’t want her to worry about me and he wanted me to put the incident behind me as quickly as possible. That’s why he refrained from reporting it.”

René took a deep breath, as if he were pondering his answer and deciding if he was telling the truth now.

“Okay,” he finally said, pointing at the other padd. “Then tell me about your accident at the Academy three years ago.”

Julian’s head involuntarily snapped up at this. He stared at René.

As if he was sensing that Julian wouldn’t be forthcoming about this topic either, he tapped his finger on the padd. “You had an accident at Starfleet Medical which led to some critical damage of your neural pathways. You suffered a neural shock and had to spend several days in ICU afterwards. That’s where you were treated with Lorasine. Why is there nothing about the accident in your medical file?”

Julian felt his cheeks flush even more. Distress was warring anger inside him. Where on earth had René gotten the information? It should have been classified. Only few people knew of the truth. He slowly felt anger gaining the upper hand. His hands unconsciously balled into fists. He felt like he was standing with his back against the wall.

“Because,” he finally said deadpan, still not facing René, “one of my teachers abused me for his unauthorized experiment. It went wrong and I almost died. I was lucky they were able to patch me up again. My medical file doesn’t contain any information on the incident because it would have been very inconvenient for Starfleet Medical if anything about it appeared on my official record.”

René’s countenance suddenly softened. He looked genuinely troubled. “I’m sorry,” he finally said.

The older man sighed and rubbed his eyes. “Julian, don’t get me wrong. I’m not angry at you for lying to me. I’d rather you trusted me far enough to tell me the truth. We are family after all.”

When Julian kept silent, René sat down in his chair. “You didn’t tell Palis either, did you?” There was no reproach in his voice, just a profound sadness.

Julian felt like a small child caught in the act. He shook his head. “No… I haven’t.”

“Why not?” René asked sympathetically. “She’s your fiancée. Who can you trust if not her?”

He didn’t meet Mr. Delon’s eyes, the older man’s words burning themselves deep into his soul. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Palis. He knew that he could confide about anything in her. But there just were things he couldn’t share. Things that were too dangerous to share. Or perhaps René was right. Perhaps he really was unable to trust other people. He’d once given his trust to another person, and he’d had to learn the hard way what a mistake it had been. Perhaps, after all his life in hiding, he’d simply lost his ability to trust.

“You should tell her,” René finally said with a sad smile. “It’s not healthy to keep too many things in. I just want you to know that – whenever you feel like talking – I’ll be here. I’m just worried about you, Julian, that’s all. Let us be part of your life. You don’t need to carry every burden alone.”

“Thank you,” was everything Julian brought forth, not sure if he should feel grateful for René’s words or upset at the older doctor for sticking his nose in things that were none of his business. He only prayed René would leave it at that and stop digging up things of his past. He didn’t dare imagine what would happen if he ever found out about Adigeon Prime…

“Then I’d say off you go. I won’t keep you from your duties any longer. It’s going to be a quite eventful evening. But I would be glad if you’d take my words to heart.”

Julian only nodded, his cheeks still flushed a bright red. He left the office without another word and quickly made his way back down to the regular ward, trying to force his mind on other things. Unfortunately, his headache was back full-force and that he felt like he’d been awake for ages didn’t really help either. There wasn’t much time to dwell on it, though. No sooner had he come back down from René’s office that emergency after emergency had him race up and down the corridors until the conversation with René was completely driven off his mind.

It was not until way past midnight that he finally came into the break room and dropped heavily down onto a chair. He took his head into his hands and tried to take long and regular breaths. But it didn’t help. His head felt by now as if it was going to explode. His headache had grown so unbearable that he could barely concentrate any longer. He’d somehow managed to get through the evening so far but he doubted that he was able to go on like this until morning. For a moment he thought about reporting sick and going straight back home but then the doctor in him took over and he told himself that it were only a few more hours and that he would somehow manage. His patients were relying on him. _René_ was relying on him…

With a heavy sigh, he set the hypo he’d brought along onto the table, regarding it for a long time. He knew that Dr. Delon had said that he wasn’t allowed to take any other medication and that he had to refrain from relying on other substances like coffee to bring him through the day for the time being. But he had reached a point where he was no longer able to function properly. He’d checked his medical file several times, especially the notes René had left there about the neural stabilizer and had made sure to choose a painkiller that would not interfere with it. Some inner voice was still nagging at him that he better not defy René’s order but right now it couldn’t be helped. In his present condition he was of no use to anyone and there were still some hours to go until his shift would be over.

He quickly drew himself up and went over to the replicator to get some more tea. When the sparkle faded, he reached for the mug and brought it over to the table. Then he took up the hypo and turned it in his hands, forcing himself to make a decision. His hands balled around the small device and without giving it another though, he brought it up to his neck to inject him with the dose of painkillers.

He heard the familiar hiss – just as the door whooshed open and a familiar face appeared in the door frame in front of him. It was Michael.

“Julian! I was searching for you. It seems as if the situation has calmed down so what about doing the check-up as…” the other doctor began but suddenly broke off when he noticed the startled look on Julian’s face. Then his eyes flicked to the hypo the young man was still pressing to his neck. 

For a second, Julian stared at Michael with a feeling as if having been caught in the act. But before he had the time to say or least of all explain anything, his vision suddenly blurred, and everything swam out of focus. He felt a pang of vertigo, accompanied by a heavy wave of nausea and a subsequent stabbing pain in his chest. The next thing he knew his legs gave out beneath him and he was collapsing forward, against the table, knocking his mug and a stack of padds off the table on his way down.

He hit the floor without being able to break his fall, a strangled cry escaping his lips when the wind was knocked out of his lungs. His heart was racing in his chest and his head felt as if it was being crushed by some invisible force. His whole body suddenly felt as if it were breaking apart and it was all he could do to curl up on the ground, gasping heavily for breath.

“Julian!?”

A moment later, Michaels shocked face came into view as the young man bent hastily over him, grasping him by the shoulders and turning him over. “Julian, are you okay? What happened? What was in that hypo?!” the other doctor almost shouted, his eyes searching for the small medical device that had skidded over the floor and was now lying an arm’s length away.

Julian couldn’t keep his eyes open. Everything spun around him, so wildly that he felt his stomach clench convulsively. It took him several tries until he finally found his voice. “Painkillers…” he moaned, fighting the growing urge to throw up his dinner.

“Against your headache?” Michael grabbed for the hypo, quickly flicking his tricorder open. His eyes flew over the small display as he scanned the residual substance. Then he turned to Julian, running a quick scan on the young man. He checked his pupils, then his pulse. Finally, he frowned. “It’s an overreaction to the painkillers.” It was clear that Michael was at a complete loss what had triggered it, though.

Julian couldn’t bring forth another word. He felt so sick. His heart was still racing in his chest. He felt Michael hoist one of his arms over his shoulder and slowly drag him up from the floor. The movement made everything only worse. “Come, you need to lie down. But not on the floor.”

He would have laughed at Michael’s comment, but couldn’t bring up enough strength.

Julian tried to help as best he could when Michael walked him over to the couch at the other end of the room and gently eased him down.

“There. You’ll be feeling better in a few minutes,” he heard Michael’s strained voice as he made him lie down the length of the couch, propping up Julian’s legs on the arm rest.

“I… double checked my medication…” Julian whispered with closed eyes. “I… Dr. Delon told me not to administer any other drugs… but the headache was… unbearable… I chose a painkiller that… would not interfere with my medication… I really don’t know… what happened.”

A hand squeezing his arm. “It’s okay. We’ll figure it out.” Then he heard a familiar beeping. Michael had obviously flicked his tricorder open again, muttering under his breath. Julian just lay there, unable to open his eyes, unable to do much but wait for Michael’s verdict. Finally, the other doctor blew out a long breath.

“It’s clearly an overreaction to the painkiller you took earlier, the only problem is that I have never seen simple painkillers cause a breakdown like this. I’ll just run another scan in the lab and see what I can find out.” With that, Julian felt something cold touching his neck. Probably Michael taking a blood sample. “There, that should be enough.”

“I’d better report this to Dr. Delon…” Julian said miserably under his breath, not at all thrilled at the prospect of having to tell René that he had overrode his judgement and administered some painkillers even though René had told him to refrain from doing so. He could vividly imagine René’s reaction and the sermon that would follow.

“No,” Michael suddenly said, “there’s no need to inform René. I’ll bring you home as soon as you’re feeling better. There’s no harm done and there’s nothing to do but wait for the effect to wear off. You need to rest. I will talk to René tomorrow and tell him that I sent you home early because you weren’t feeling well due to your headache.”

Julian didn’t have the strength to argue with Michael. He felt so awful that he only wanted to sleep.

It took another half an hour until he felt strong enough to get back onto his feet and on his way home. As Michael had promised, he walked him all the way back home and made sure that he was safely seated on his couch before he said his goodbye and went back to work.

When he was gone, Julian just curled up on the spot and almost instantly fell into a deep and dreamless slumber.

=/\=

When he woke, it was already bright day. Sleepily, he groaned and rubbed his eyes. To his great surprise, his headache had dropped back to a somewhat bearable level and everything else seemed back to normal as well. Even the roiling sensation in his stomach had stopped. How long had he been out?

“You’re awake,” a gentle voice suddenly came from above, tearing him from his thoughts. He blinked.

Only now he realized that he was lying on the couch in his quarters, a blanket tugged around him and his head bedded on Palis’ knees. He was lying on his side, with his back to her, her soft hand gently stroking his hair. He inhaled deeply, trying to banish the tiredness out of his mind, and wondered how late it was.

“I found you fully dressed in your medical uniform asleep on your couch when I came over to invite you out to lunch,” the disembodied voice behind him said as if in explanation. “It’s almost noon...”

He closed his eyes, still too groggy to move. “Yeah, it was a very long night…”

She continued stroking his hair. “I thought so.”

For a long moment, neither of them spoke. Palis must have sensed that there was something the matter with him because usually she would make a comment on him working too hard, reminding him that he needed to wind down every now and then. But instead, her hand just kept stroking his hair, as if she was waiting for him to tell her what had happened. Her touch was comforting and warm and he wished he could stay like this forever. For a long time, he kept silent, and just listened to her steady and deep breathing.

“You know…” he finally said, not opening his eyes. “When I was fifteen, I had a hard time with my parents. I was growing up and my parents often had different ideas of what was good for me. We had a lot of differences, and sometimes I wasn’t even sure how to get through one day…”

He heard his own voice like from far away as he said: “One time, I had a row with my parents… I ran away from home. It was December and freezing outside. I didn’t know where to go, I just knew that I couldn’t go back to my parents… One of my teachers found me. But instead of taking me back home, he brought me over to his house. He put me into a hot bath to warm me up again and allowed me to stay at his place without pressing for information. It was not until the next day that I finally told him the reason for my running away from home. He listened patiently. He was just there for me. He never judged me or told me what to do. Finally, I agreed to go back home. But from that day on, he was the closest friend I ever had. He was always there for me. Whenever I had a problem, he would be there to listen. He would give me advice whenever I didn’t know what to do. I knew that I could always trust him to be there for me.”

“When I left school for the Academy, a strange twist of fate had it that he would start a research program at Starfleet Medical at the same time. I was so happy to see him again. I went through a hard time with one of my teachers at the Academy. I just got the impression that I was never able to measure up to his expectation, no matter what I did. But again, my former teacher always had an open ear and would listen to every problem I had. He helped me a lot during the first years at Starfleet Medical.”

Julian swallowed, still not opening his eyes. “One day, he asked me to help him with one of his research projects. Of course, I volunteered. I was thrilled to be of help. It was the first time he ever asked me to assist him, and I felt so indebted to him. He was like a father to me. He asked me to take part in one of his experiments and there was no question I would do it. So we got down to work. He explained the procedure to me and connected me to the medical scanner. It was supposed to be a simple test. But when we started the experiment, I soon noticed that something was not right. The procedure was painful, and so unlike what I had been told to expect.”

He noticed that Palis had stopped stroking his hair.

“I told him that I was in pain and that something was not right. But he would just reply that everything was alright and that I shouldn’t worry. And that was when I realized that he knew. He knew that I was in pain. He knew what the experiment was doing to me. And he had no intention of stopping it.”

Julian’s voice was barely above a whisper now. “I begged him to stop, I told him that I couldn’t take any more, but he just told me to hold out. That it would all be over soon. Finally, the pain grew unbearable. I thought that I was going to die. At some point I must have blacked out. One of my teachers found me half a day later. I was barely conscious, lying abandoned in some deserted research room and almost dying from the neural overload I had suffered. He brought me over into the infirmary. They transferred me to ICU and put me into an artificial coma to help me recover from my injuries. When I woke up again, I was alive. And all alone. My former teacher had left the Academy without a word to anyone the night when I almost died. I never saw him again…”

“Julian…” He didn’t need to see Palis’ face to feel the sadness in her voice. He was glad that she couldn’t see the open anguish in his face either. He’d never told anyone the truth, not until today. All at once, he felt so vulnerable.

“I’m so sorry…” He felt her warm touch. “I… never knew…”

“Few people do…” he said and winced at the sadness in his own voice. “It’s nothing I usually discuss with others…”

“What… happened?”

He kept his eyes shut tightly. He knew what she meant. _What happened that suddenly changed your mind?_

“Today in hospital… There was something that reminded me of the incident. And of the fact that I’ve never really spoken to anyone about it. Not even you.” He inhaled and slowly opened his eyes. “I just realized that I wanted you to know. You were there when the accident happened. You must have heard from Marin. You must have noticed that I disappeared for three weeks without some real explanation. But you never asked where I had been or what had happened. You never pressed for information. I just wanted to tell you the truth. And I’m sorry that I haven’t been open about this particular part of my past to you.”

He finally turned to face her and was surprised to see a tear glistening on her cheek. She quickly wiped it away, offering a smile. “Thank you, Julian. That means a lot to me.”

He reached up to stroke her cheek. Then he smiled tentatively. “How was your dinner with Marie?”

For a moment, she seemed taken off guard by the sudden change in topics, but her good-natured expression quickly returned. “She kept her promise. The dinner was gorgeous!” she simply said with a smile that didn’t reach her eyes. He knew that there was something she wasn’t telling him, but he decided not to press her.

He drew himself up.

“What about going out for lunch? You must be starving by now,” he said as he bent toward her and they kissed. “And besides, you said that you wanted to search for something to wear to your father’s Christmas party. The party is in little more than a week, so we better hurry.”

She searched his face. “Are you sure, you’re okay, Julian?”

He offered a weak smile. “No, but eventually I will be.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're finally at the point where everything starts to fall apart XD  
> This chapter will finally contain the non-con m/m scene mentioned in the archive warnings and if you've read my other stories, you might know that this is a total first for me! Have fun!

**Chapter 8**

_Paris, Christmas Eve, December 24 th, 2368_

“Oh, my goodness… What is _this_?”

Julian couldn’t help staring at the giant Christmas tree that was decorating the hall of René Delon’s mansion at the outskirts of Paris. He’d never have guessed that René was living in such an awe-inspiring place. It was a two-story house with a big entrance hall and presumably a dozen of rooms that seemed now occupied by all the guests who were roaming the halls and waiting for dinner to start.

“This…” Palis grinned and her red dress reflected the sparkling Christmas lights on the tree when she turned round to face him, “…is our traditional Christmas tree!”

“It’s… huge… I’ve never seen anything like it.” The tree must be about three meters tall and he had no idea where on earth René had managed to get it. It seemed natural, no hologram and not artificial. It was like in a fairy tale. The tree was decorated with lights, tinsel and ornaments and it must have taken hours to put it up.

“Palis!” a voice exclaimed and when they turned a man in black trousers and a white shirt came over to them, a big grin plastered on his face. He must be about the same age as René and he bore a certain resemblance to the older doctor. But where René’s eyes could be fierce and unrelenting, the brown eyes of the older man coming now toward them radiated a genuine warmth.

“Uncle Gérard! I haven’t seen you in months!” Palis exclaimed and wrapped her arms around her uncle.

"You look gorgeous like always!” her uncle said and then turned toward Julian. “And this must be…”

“Julian,” Palis beamed. “My fiancé.”

“I’ve heard a lot about you!” Gerard smiled as if he were some kind of celebrity and Julian felt himself blush in spite of himself. “I’m so glad you can be here with us today. I’d love to hear more about you later at dinner,” but before he could utter another word he was suddenly called back by a female voice behind him.

“Oh, I forgot. I need to help Anna with the Christmas Cake. If you’ll excuse me…” and with that he was already gone, hurrying off with a pleasant tune on his lips.

Julian stared after him. “How many people did your father invite to this party?”

Palis smiled and took him by the arm, gently pulling him with her. It wasn’t that he felt uncomfortable being around her family, it was just that there were so many of them. A boy and a girl, about six or seven years old, almost bumped into them playing catch, followed by an exasperated voice calling after them not to run around in the house. Then Palis started to point out all the different family members to him.

“Over there, next to the tree, that’s Anna, Gérard’s wife and my aunt. Gérard is Papa’s older brother. They’re here with their three children, Louisa, Emily and Pierre. The old lady next to Anna, that’s my grandmother. Unfortunately, her husband passed away some years ago and she’s here with her sister Sarah. And then we have Papa’s younger sister Vivienne with her husband Paul and the children Frederick and Henrik. Oh, and the man with the white beard, that’s Paul, Papa’s friend from the Academy.”

Palis guided him through the entrance hall like she was really enjoying herself. Her cheeks glowed and with her sparkling red dress amidst the Christmas decoration she looked as if she’d just sprung out of the Nutcracker. He couldn’t resist the urge to pull her closer and kiss her. Perhaps coming here hadn’t been such a bad idea after all, even though it was conspicuous that even though he was one of René’s best friends, Michael wasn’t here.

_“Julian, I’m glad you’re feeling better. After all I was able to find out, I think that the headache was a side-effect from your neural medication. But it’s already more than a week since surgery. I think it’s safe to quite it.”_

_“Okay,” Julian slowly said, “did you inform Dr. Delon about the change in my medication?”_

_Michael nodded, though he wouldn’t meet his eyes. “Yes. I already took the liberty to speak to René after the overreaction to the painkillers yesterday. We both agree that it is the best course of action.”_

He shook his head. Perhaps he was reading too much into it. Even though it _was_ strange that Michael wouldn’t be here at the party today.

“Come, dinner will start soon, and I need to talk to Papa before he begins his Christmas speech!” Palis drew him back from his thoughts. He followed her as she elegantly made her way through the throng of people until they came to the dining room, where René was busy talking to one of the guests.

“Palis! Julian!” René’s face instantly lit up when he saw the young couple. “I’m so glad to see you here!”

Palis enveloped her father in a warm hug. Then she suddenly became serious. “Papa, there’s something I need your advice on. I need to talk to you. Do you think you could spare me some minutes this evening?”

René searched her face but finally nodded. “Of course, Palis. But I think it’s better to postpone this conversation to tomorrow morning. I don’t think we’ll have much time as long as our guests are here, but I will be all ears tomorrow at breakfast?”

Julian couldn’t help but notice the slightly crestfallen look on her face. She must have hoped to catch her father sooner but then she nodded and uttered a quick but polite “that would be great.”

They sat down at the dinner table and soon the other guests were seated as well, and dinner started with René’s famous Christmas speech. It was a warm atmosphere with lots of laughter, candlelight and the feeling of being among family. Surprisingly, Julian felt all at once at ease. Even though he politely declined the mulled wine and settled for some juice instead as the sudden breakdown one week ago was still fresh in his mind, he found himself enjoying the evening more than he would have thought.

Dinner was delicious and with a wistful smile he thought that he’d never spent a better Christmas Eve in his life.

It was later on in the evening, when everyone was chatting happily along and Palis was absorbed in an animated conversation with her niece and her nephew that René suddenly tabbed Julian on the shoulder.

“I see, you’re enjoying yourself,” he smiled contently and followed Julian’s gaze over to where Palis was laughing with the two children. “I’d like to have a word with you. Could you spare me some minutes? I’ll bring you back before Palis notices that you’re gone,” he winked.

“Of course,” Julian said and excusing himself from Gérard with whom he’d been engrossed in a long conversation, he headed after René.

He followed René up to the second floor, through corridors with festive decorations until they had reached what seemed to be his study. Voices and laughter still drifted up from the Christmas gathering below and even though it was already late in the evening, he suspected the gathering to go on for still quite some time.

The older man opened the door and entered first, Julian in his wake.

"Come in,” René said nonchalantly, gesturing for him to follow, as he went over to the broad desk where a lot of documents were stacked neatly in a row. The room was bigger than he’d thought. Shelves with old-fashioned books were lining one wall of the room, a broad window overlooking the snowy ground outside behind his desk.

“Please, close the door,” Palis’ father added, while he went over to a small cabinet, retrieving two glasses and a bottle of some obvious alcoholic beverage.

Julian did es he was told, but not without some queasy feeling in his stomach. He couldn’t help wondering what René wanted to see him about which he couldn’t discuss with him down in the presence of the other guests. Could it be about Michael? Neither Michael, nor René had yet said anything to him, but he suspected that René must already be aware of the fact that Michael no longer trusted him when it came to Julian’s wellbeing.

René was pouring two glasses, sweeping one up to present it to Julian. Unsure, Julian took it.

“I guess you must have had enough of mulled wine by now,” the older man laughed with a mischievous grin. “Here, try this, Julian. You’ll be amazed.”

Even though he didn’t really feel like drinking and would rather not have had something alcoholic just yet, Julian complied. It was something strong, burning his throat and he had to suppress the urge to cough.

René seemed pleased, taking another swig of his own glass before he put it back down and leaned casually with his back against the desk.

“So, I’m really glad you took the opportunity to celebrate Christmas with us, Julian. You’re already part of our family, and today wouldn’t have been the same without you,” the older man said, smiling.

Somehow, René’s stare was making him feel uneasy. There was something about the older man, he couldn’t put his finger on. He never could with René anyway. But today was somehow different. There was something about his eyes…

“I’m really enjoying myself. Everyone of your family is really nice. It’s been a while since I had the chance to celebrate Christmas like this. I’m really grateful for the invitation,” he said truthfully.

René came slowly closer. His eyes were fixed on Julian.

“I really do hope we’ll have more of these opportunities in the future,” he said. He suddenly was uncomfortably close. Julian suppressed the urge to back away, telling himself that he was being foolish. This was just René, after all.

“You’re an extraordinary young man. I knew the moment I first met you that there’s something special about you. And I was right. I want you to know that I’m very proud of you.”

And suddenly, René leaned forward to kiss him. It all happened so fast. Suddenly his lips were sealing Julian’s, in an almost gentle way, as if he was testing the young man’s reaction.

He hadn’t seen this coming. Startled, Julian broke away, backing up a step. He knew that his shock must be clearly written all over his face because René watched him for a second, obviously savoring his embarrassment. When he took another step closer, Julian brought his free hand up to stop him, though René was faster. He gripped Julian’s wrist and with a smooth motion he immobilized it while his other hand shot up and clamped around the nape of the young man’s neck, pulling him close. A second later his lips were again seeking Julian’s, this time more fiercely, demanding, allowing no retreat.

Julian reflexively tried to push away, and the glass slipped from his hand, but the older man’s grip around his neck was unyielding. He was holding Julian in place, ignoring his protests, his kiss fierce and unrelenting. Shocked back to his senses, Julian pushed with his free arm hard against René’s chest. He felt sick to his bones. He hadn’t seen this coming. He was utterly unprepared for the older man’s advances.

And finally, René released his tight grip around Julian’s neck and the young man stumbled backwards, driven by his own momentum. He felt something against his legs and crashed down hard on the couch. His heart was hammering in his chest and his eyes darted for René. His mind needed a few seconds to process what had just happened.

René on the other side, just stood there, a content smile on his face. His eyes almost spoke of fatherly affection.

“I see what Palis finds in you,” he said. The way his eyes were running over Julian made the young man’s blood freeze in his veins. It was all Julian could do to stare at his father-in-law, unable to comprehend what had prompted René’s action so suddenly.

“I-I’m sorry,” he croaked, hating himself for his stammer. René’s presence always managed to intimidate him. “I think we should better get back to Palis and the others. They must be waiting for us already.” It was the moment he tried to get up, that he suddenly noticed that something was not right. When he tried to get to his feet, a sudden wave of vertigo made him abandon his plan very quickly. He collapsed back onto the couch. His head started to hurt. And he felt uncomfortably warm. Somehow he suddenly didn’t feel well.

“You want to go back, already?” René said in mock surprise, arching one brow. “How unfortunate.” When he slowly came closer to the couch, everything in Julian urged him to jump up and dash for the door. When he’d learned one thing in the last few months, it was that René was unpredictable. He had no idea what the older doctor had in mind, but he had no desire to find out. Julian struggled to get up from the couch, but to his great dismay, the ground suddenly started to tilt this way and that. He closed his eyes and groaned.

“Oh my, that was a drink too many, today, wasn’t it, Julian? Look at yourself, you can barely walk straight.” René laughed. “Let me help you!”

“NO!” Julian batted his hand away. His heart had begun hammering in his chest. He hadn’t drunk anything tonight. Not until René had given him the glass. There was no way he was drunk. And then the terrible realization slowly dawned on him. The drink. There must have been something in the drink René had given him.

“What have you given me?,” he asked, taken aback. He felt a flutter of panic in the pit of his stomach and tried to ignore it. Perhaps he was getting it all wrong. Perhaps there was an explanation for all this after all. Perhaps it was just a bad joke.

René smiled his enigmatic smile, giving Julian the creeps.

“I only wanted to spend some time with you, Julian. We barely have the chance to be alone. I just wanted to make sure we’re undisturbed for the time being.”

“By putting something in my drink?” Julian asked back, incredulous. If the situation hadn’t been so absurd, he would have laughed. But René luring him into his study, drugging him and kissing him was anything but funny. His heart was by now beating up into his mouth.

He steeled his features and looked at René deadpan. “I’m sorry that I don’t feel the same way. I would rather not continue our conversation. I would appreciate it if we could go back to the others.” He tried to sound nonchalant, but knew he failed miserably at it.

René sat down next to him, his elbows propped on his knees. He still wore the same smug look on his face.

“I was hoping for a little more, Julian,” he said, and Julian felt as if he was going to be sick. It was the way René spoke his name. Like only the sound of it made a shudder of arousal course through him. “You’re an amazing young man. We’ve spent so much time together. You’re brilliant and passionate about your profession. And that makes you so special. I was hoping to bring our relationship to another level.” René was watching him expectantly.

“I-I’m sorry,” Julian stammered, René’s sudden nearness making him almost jump out of his skin. “I’m in love with your daughter. We’re going to marry. I don’t think this is a good idea.” Unsteadily, he tried to get to his feet. He would have fallen to the floor, hadn’t René jumped up from the couch to catch and steady him. Julian felt a jolt of horror at the older man’s touch.

“The one doesn’t exclude the other,” René said, as he braced him.

“I-I don’t think I’m ready for this,” Julian tried to save the situation.

“I see,” the other man said with a wistful smile. “That is so unfortunate. I was hoping the feeling was mutual.”

“Please, I want to go back to the others,” Julian said, half-pleading, well aware that he was completely at René’s mercy. By now, he could barely stand without the other man’s help.

René sighed, but then he hoisted one of Julian’s arms over his shoulders. “I’m not sure if this is a good idea, Julian. Look at yourself. You can barely stand. What would Palis say if she saw you so drunk?”

“I’m not drunk! You drugged me! You put something in my drink!”

René laughed. “Somehow I knew you wouldn’t be convinced so easily. I know you better than you think. You need to relax, Julian,” was all he said as he slowly started to walk with him. And to Julian’s horror it was not toward the door that led back out into the corridor. It was toward another door, standing ajar. And when they entered the room behind it, a sudden wave of fear came washing over him.

It was a bedroom. _René’s_ bedroom. Blue satin sheets were neatly arranged over a king size bed. There was a big window overlooking the snowy ground outside, just like in the other room. A single picture hung at the wall above the bed, but apart from that, there was no other decoration in the room.

“No,” he whispered, struggling to make the older man stop. “Don’t!”

But he was in no condition to put up a fight. When René ignored his protest and eased him down so that he came to sit on the bed, Julian almost collapsed backwards onto it. He felt so weak. His world was spinning around him, and he had to close his eyes for a moment to fight the mounting sickness that was building in his stomach.

Only dimly was he aware that René had begun to take off Julian’s shoes.

“What-what are you doing?” he blurted in alarm, but René wouldn’t answer.

The next thing he knew, the older man was in front of him, his eyes trailing over Julian in a way that made the young man want to curl up and hug himself. And then he was there, pushing Julian down onto the blue sheets, René straddling him, his mouth seeking Julian’s for another hungry kiss.

Julian tried to fight him off, but René was forcing himself onto him with such a strength, that it was no use. Julian struggled to turn his head to the side, but René just grabbed his face, forcing him back into the kiss. Julian’s hands, stiff and almost useless, pushed against the older man’s shoulders in a desperate attempt to stop him. But René just grabbed Julian’s wrists, twisting them easily up over his head and pinning them down onto the bed while he continued to kiss him fiercely. Julian bucked against him. He fought to drum up every shred of strength that was left in his drugged body and twisted beneath René to gain some leverage. René must have noticed his wild struggle because he broke away for a moment to search the young man’s face. Julian gasped for air, drawing large gulps of breath. When their eyes met, Julian knew that he didn’t stand the ghost of a chance to stop René.

“Let me go!” Julian hissed and tugged desperately at René’s hands that safely secured his wrists. “I don’t want this! I don’t want you. Let me go!” He glared at René, furious. “You don’t have any right to do this!”

When René just laughed, he felt tears of frustration and shame form in the corner of his eyes. He certainly didn’t want this. He didn’t even know what had invited René’s behavior. Or perhaps the older man didn’t even need an invitation. He usually took what he wanted. And this time, it was Julian. Julian felt sick to his bones, the mere thought of what this was leading to terrifying him beyond words.

“Don’t fool yourself, Julian. You’re craving this as much as I do. Just relax. I was hoping for this to become a pleasurable experience for both of us.” René’s soft voice cut through his horror, the other man’s face so close that he could feel his warm breath upon his skin. “I take it you’ve never been with a man before. But there’s nothing to fear.”

Another wave of panic washed over Julian at René’s words. He desperately tried to get his wrists free, frantically willing more strength into them. But he was no match for René. Not in his drugged condition anyway. He was barely able to move, René’s weight pinning him down onto the mattress. He shut his eyes close, struggling to fight his panic. Goodness, he didn’t want this to happened. He didn’t want this to happen. He didn’t want this to happen!

Then he felt René’s lips on his throat, and the pressure on his wrists was suddenly gone. Instead, René was now unbuttoning his shirt. Julian tried to lash out at him, to push him away, but his arms would barely obey. What the hell had René given him? He heard René laugh, and the laughter burned itself deep into his soul. Hot fury about his own helplessness mixed with the terrible feeling of cold dread. He somehow managed to bring his arms down to grab for René’s hands.

“Stop it!” he struggled to prevent the older man from unbuttoning his shirt. But René didn’t seem to care. He worked with a clinical efficiency, completely ignoring Julian’s weak attempt at protest as he quickly undid his shirt. Julian involuntarily felt a chill course through him when René pushed his shirt open. The touch of René’s rough hands on his exposed skin alone was driving Julian to within an inch of his sanity.

“Let me go!! Don’t touch me!!” Julian screamed, unable to control himself any longer. He was shaking uncontrollably, desperately clawing at René to leave him alone. Another moment later, a strong hand clamped over his mouth, cutting of precious air. Julian struggled against his grip, throwing his head to the side, trying to scream through the hand that was covering his mouth. But he only managed to make stars appear in his vision when he was running out of oxygen, his muffled screams nowhere near enough to be heard.

“Sssh, Julian, everything’s going to be alright. Don’t put up such a fight. You don’t want them to hear you and find you like this, do you? Just imagine what Palis would say.”

And then René was undoing the zipper of Julian’s trousers with one hand, while the other still pressed down hard on the young man’s mouth. Julian struggled with all his might. And he even did manage to kick out with his feet and land a blow somewhere. But it was nowhere near enough. Finally, René took away his hand and Julian coughed reflexively for breath. It was enough time for René to strip him with one quick motion. Then he straddled him again. His breaths came fast and hungry and there was a predatory gleam in his eyes that he’d never seen there before. He was savoring every second of this. He was savoring watching the young man’s helpless struggle.

“Sssh, my boy. Relax, I won’t hurt you, my dear. You don’t have to be afraid,” René said as he took off his own shirt. Even the thick fabric of his dark trousers was not able to conceal the older man’s arousal.

Julian finally felt his tears spill over. Hot tears of shame and humiliation fell down onto the bedcover, soaking the blue sheets to both sides of his head. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to fend René off. He knew that there was nothing he could do to stop him. Julian thought of his career, of what would happen if anyone found out about tonight. How should he explain what his mentor had done to him? How was he ever again able to face his colleagues at the hospital? How was he ever again able to face Palis? He felt so ashamed, so helpless and humiliated that he desperately wished to die.

“Don’t… Please…” he begged, and squeezed his eyes shut tightly. He felt all the pent-up emotions of the past few months rush to the fore. It was like a dam bursting. A miserable sob escaped his throat. “I don’t want this. I don’t want you. Please… Let me go.”

Julian suddenly felt a hand gently stroking over his cheek, wiping his tears away as if to comfort him. He would have recoiled from the touch, but there was nowhere for him to go. He was shaking when René stroked his hair, gently cupping his face with one hand.

“Oh Julian, you’re so beautiful when you’re distraught like this. But there’s no need to cry. I would never do anything to hurt you. Trust me. Now relax.”

He desperately struggled to fight back new tears. He didn’t want to cry in front of René. He didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of letting him see how terrified he was

“Sssh, don’t be afraid,” René’s voice was full of affection.

But Julian was too absorbed in his own terror to hear. He felt René’s touch on him, his hands caressing his cheek, his hands trailing down his chest, moving lower and lower. He felt René’s body against his, felt his warmth and his tight muscles.

“Don’t…” Julian begged in a choked whimper. At the same time, he felt his vision blur. Darkness came closing in on him. He felt like he slowly lost control of his body. He gasped for breath, straining to remain conscious. He couldn’t lose consciousness now. He couldn’t lose consciousness! He couldn’t…

“Don’t fight it, Julian,” René’s voice came sickeningly sweet close to his ear.

The last thing he was aware of was René’s warm hand caressing his abdomen. René’s lips gently kissing his exposed throat. And then his mind lost itself in the terrible darkness that came rolling over him.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 9**

_Paris, December 25 th, 2368_

He woke with a groan.

The first thing that slowly trickled into his sleepy mind, was the sensation of something soft touching his cheek. He buried his face deeper into it, hugging the soft fabric closer to him. His eyelids felt so heavy. His whole body too groggy to move just yet. His mind slowly started to drift off again, lulled into a comforting embrace by the fresh fragrance that was surrounding him.

Even through his sleepiness he wondered where he was. The fragrance was unfamiliar. He yawned and struggled to open his eyes. His head was hurting. A dull throbbing, the sort that clearly spoke of a hangover. Why was it so hard for him to open his eyes? He pushed his mind slowly further toward consciousness. Ever so slowly, he felt his surroundings becoming clearer.

Bright daylight was filling the room when he finally opened his eyes.

He blinked sleepily, his head still bedded on the bedcover he had hugged in his arms. For a short moment he wondered where he was. The rumpled blue satin sheets were unfamiliar, as were his surroundings. He was in a room with a big window overlooking the snowy ground outside. Warm morning light was slanting in through it, bathing the room in a soft morning glow. He slowly rubbed his eyes. The room was filled with utter silence. It was only when he looked about him, that the memory slowly started to trickle back to him.

_René._

_The kiss._

_The older man dragging him over into his bedroom._

_René’s lips on his skin._

_René’s hands on his body._

He blinked. Time seemed to stand still. No, this couldn’t be. He looked about him in a daze. But there was no denying it. He was in René’s bedroom, wrapped in René’s blanket. He felt his heart begin to beat faster as he searched for a memory of what had happened last night. But he couldn’t remember. The last thing he was able to recall was how René had walked him to the bedroom. How he had kissed him and stripped him. But there was only darkness after that.

Julian sat up, hugging the bedcover protectively around his trembling body.

What had happened after that? His mind desperately worked to dredge up more details, but he just couldn’t remember. He must have blacked out. He only remembered René laughing at his weak resistance. René’s hand pressing down hard on his mouth, muffling his terrified screams. His words promising him that he wouldn’t hurt him, that everything would be over soon.

He took another look at the rumpled sheets around him, took in the fresh fragrance of the sheets mixed with René’s aftershave – and felt his stomach turn. His trembling grew more intense.

What had René done to him?

With unsteady hands, he untangled himself from the bedcover. With dismay he noticed that he was only wearing his shorts and that the rest of his clothes lay strewn over the room in a fashion that prompted wild associations with last night’s events.

“No,” he whispered under his breath, refusing to believe what he saw. Unsteadily he climbed out of bed. This couldn’t have happened. It just couldn’t.

He’d spent the night in René’s bedroom. He only needed to have a look around to know what had happened after he’d lost consciousness. And he felt sick. He felt so sick that it was all he could do to pick up his clothes that lay strewn over the floor with trembling hands one after another, putting them on at random without allowing his mind to paint a vivid picture of what René had done to him while he was unconscious.

_“No, I don’t want this. Please.”_

He felt his cheeks flush with humiliation, shame burning through him as he tried to block out the memory of how he had begged René to stop. Of how the older man had ignored his pleas and pinned him down onto the bed to take what he wanted. How his lips had run over his shivering skin.

_“Relax, Julian, it’ll be over soon.”_

With trembling fingers, he put on his shoes, grabbing his shirt next. Julian dressed as quickly as he could, fumbling awkwardly to button up his shirt, stumbling away from the bed and almost tripping over a chair. When he’d somehow managed to dress, his eyes strayed again to the bed with its rumpled blue sheets and he consciously had to make an effort not to vomit.

He stumbled into the other room. He half expected to see René sitting at his desk, only waiting for him to wake up to torment him again. But to his great relief, his study was empty. He hurried out of the room without another look back.

It must still be early in the morning, for the corridors of the mansion were still deserted. Where laughter and music had filled the air the evening before, and a festive Christmas atmosphere had hung in the air, it was now only silence that greeted him. Julian hurried down the broad flight of stairs to the first floor. And almost bumped into someone.

“Mr. Bashir?”

It was a maid, with a fresh stack of towels, who’d crossed his way.

“I-I’m sorry,” he stammered. “I-I didn’t see you.”

“Is everything okay?” she asked with a worried frown and Julian turned away quickly before she could see the horror that was written all over his face.

“W-Where is Palis?” he tried nonchalantly. And hoped that she wouldn’t notice the shakiness of his voice. The last thing he needed right now was to inadvertently bump into his girlfriend.

“She’s still asleep upstairs,” the maid said. “They said you’d been called away by an emergency last night.”

“Y-Yes,” he stalled, “I-I need to get back to the hospital. I-I’m sorry.”

And with that he all but fled from the mansion. He was dimly aware that she was calling him back that he forgot to take his coat with him, but he didn’t stop, breaking into a desperate run as soon as he was out of the door.

He ran as fast as his legs would carry him. Unshed tears of anger and shame burned behind his eyes and he fought them down, desperately trying to keep his mind from thinking. He ran until his lungs were burning from the cool air, and his heart was beating so fast that he feared he might just black out. He didn’t want to think. He didn’t want to feel.

His heart was beating up into his mouth and his legs felt wobbly and shaky from the long run when he finally arrived at this apartment. He tumbled into the room, slammed the door shut behind his back and leaned heavily against it. His legs gave way and he slid down to the ground, wrapping both arms around his knees and hugging them close. He was shaking all over. From the cold as much as from fear. And he couldn’t think. His mind was captured in an icy horror and it was all he could do to suck in shallow breaths, waiting for the burning in his lungs to lessen.

Hugging his knees tightly, he just sat there, at a complete loss what to do. He was unable to think beyond the simple fact that his career was over. That his life was over. He buried his face between his arms, shaking violently.

There was no way he could tell Palis what had happened. What her father had done to him. He couldn’t tell anyone from the hospital either. Oh god, if anyone found out what had happened between him and René last night…

He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t…

He scrambled up from the floor, moving over to the desktop computer interface. It took him three tries to dial the right number with his shaking hands but then the computer gave a little beep, and the connection was established. And finally, the person on the other side answered the call.

“Julian? What… what happened?” Marin asked with a worried frown as she bent closer toward the monitor, still blinking sleepily as if she had just gotten out of bed.

“Marin… I-I’m sorry,” Julian stuttered awkwardly, at a complete loss of how to start. He only knew that he needed her right now. “I-I didn’t want to wake you. I know, it’s the middle of the night but… I-I… I don’t know what to do.” He said, the words tumbling out of his mouth like a dam bursting.

Marin’s eyes widened. “Julian, what’s wrong? Is it about Palis? Is she okay?”

He rubbed at his eyes and shook his head. “No… I mean yeah… she… she’s okay.” If he could just bring some order into his tumbling thoughts. He felt as if something was clutching at his heart, making it so hard to breathe. He closed his eyes and tried to force his heartbeat to calm down, but to no avail.

“Marin, I… I don’t think I can put up with this any longer,” he said weakly. He could feel tears forming in the corner of his eyes and it took him every shred of willpower to not break into tears in front of her. Still, his heart was racing, and he felt as if he didn’t get enough air.

“Julian, where are you? Are you home?” Marin on the other side urged, her voice full of concern. He couldn’t bring up more than a nod, but it must have been enough for Marin as she looked at him sternly and said: “Get over to the replicator and get some water with ice. Now!”

For a second, he didn’t understand. But then his medical mind kicked in. He was having a panic attack. That was why he couldn’t think straight and why he felt as if his whole world was coming down on him. Marin probably knew and did the only right thing. He knew that he was still shaking violently when he got up to get some water from the replicator. Still, he managed to bring it over to the computer interface without spilling anything.

“Now drink,” Marin commanded as he sat back down in front of the computer. He didn’t think. He just downed the ice water in one go. It burnt his throat and made a stab of pain shoot through his head, but it managed to shock him back to his senses. He swallowed. But breathing gradually became a little easier.

“So now tell me, Julian, what’s wrong? What happened?” Marin urged again. “Did Palis and you have a row?”

“It’s not Palis. It’s… It’s René Delon, her father,” Julian finally said, and he felt so sick even speaking his name. Images from last night whirled back into his mind but he tried his best to block them out. “He’s sick, Marin. I’ve never met a sicker person in my life.” His voice almost broke. “He’s a bastard. He’s evil and cruel and sadistic and…” He wanted to say so much more, so much more how much he hated that bastard. But he couldn’t. Because it was a feeling of hopelessness above all that came now consuming him. “I… I don’t think I can do this any longer. Marin, I need to get away from here.”

“Julian, wait! I don’t know what happened, but don’t rush things. It’s December. We still have another three months to go. You can’t quit the medical training now. If you quit now, you won’t be permitted to the medical finals. Whatever you do, promise me you won’t do anything stupid!” Marin looked at him aghast.

“Marin, I can’t…” he whispered miserably. He knew that she was right. He knew that he would throw away everything he’d worked for so hard. If he didn’t complete the medical training, he wouldn’t be admitted to the medial finals. He wouldn’t get his license. But he didn’t have a choice. After what had happened last night, he wouldn’t be able to go on with his training. He’d never be able to look into René’s eyes again without seeing the lustrous and self-righteous look he’d worn last night. 

“Julian, what did he do? What happened?” Marin’s alarmed voice brought him back from his thoughts.

Julian avoided her worried gaze. His cheeks felt hot with shame. “Can… can we meet?” He couldn’t tell her over commline. He wasn’t even sure he’d be able to in person.

“Of – of course! I have to be back to work in four hours and I have to assist at some surgery this afternoon, but I’ll beam over as soon as I’m done here. I promise! Do you think you can hold out until then?”

Julian closed his eyes and swallowed. He felt his tears threaten to overflow. “Y-yeah… I guess I can manage…”

“Can you stay away from Mr. Delon until then? Do you have to work in the hospital today?”

“No,” he whispered. “I have the day off…”

Marin nodded. “Good. I don’t know what happened but try to stay out of Mr. Delon’s sight. I’ll be there with you as soon as I can.”

“Thank you, Marin,” he said, wiping desperately at his eyes.

“We’ll figure it out, Julian, I promise! I’ll see you tonight! I’ll be there as soon as I can!”

When the transmission ended, he kept staring at the black screen for several seconds. Then he got up, carried himself over to his bed and just collapsed onto it. He curled up tightly, hugging his arms around his shivering body. He tried to block out the memory of last night. If only his mind would slip back into that great oblivion where nothing could reach him. Where he was safe from any physical pain. But bits and pieces of last night’s events came trickling back to him until his own screams echoed mockingly back in his head.

_“Let me go!! Don’t touch me!!”_

René’s rough hand clamping down over his mouth.

_“Sssh, Julian, everything’s going to be alright. Don’t put up such a fight. You don’t want them to hear you and find you like this, do you? Just imagine what Palis would say.”_

His helpless struggle.

_“Sssh, my boy. Relax, I won’t hurt you, my dear. You don’t have to be afraid.”_

How he’d crumpled under the pressure.

_“Don’t… Please… I don’t want this. I don’t want you. Please… Let me go.”_

René gently wiping the tears from his face.

_“Oh Julian, you’re so beautiful when you’re distraught like this. But there’s no need to cry. I would never do anything to hurt you. Trust me. Now relax.”_

A sob escaped his throat. A sob from the deepest place of his soul.

It was all too much.

Hot fury mixed with the bitter taste of his own helplessness as he cried and sobbed into the sheets, wishing for everything to come undone. He felt so weak, so humiliated. He hadn’t been able to stop René. He’d tried to fight him; he’d tried to resist. But in the end, it had all been useless. As always, René had been one step ahead of him. He’d planned everything in advance. He’d never stood a chance in the first place.

He shook violently, disgusted at René. Disgusted at himself.

Why hadn’t he fought harder? Why hadn’t he seen it all coming? Why had he allowed René to touch him? He was such a pathetic human being.

He sobbed uncontrollably by now.

He hated René. He hated him with all his heart. That complacent and patronizing bastard. He’d been so desperate to measure up to his high expectations. He’d put up with so much. He’d endured so much during the last months. Because he’d thought that he could manage, as long as he was together with Palis. As long as they had a future together. He’d thought that he would even be able to put up with René if only it meant he had Palis.

But René had managed to destroy all his built-up happiness in only one night.

The future he’d imagined for himself and Palis, everything blown to pieces. René had not only succeeded in destroying him, but he’d also destroyed everything he’d held dear at the same time.

Two months with René was all it had taken to undermine his confidence. Little by little had René managed to play with his emotions, making him feel worthless and doubt his own talents. He’d made him feel incompetent. He’d physically drained him by having him do so much overtime that he barely got the sleep he needed, say nothing of spending time with Palis.

And yesterday, he had managed to destroy Julian’s last shred of self-respect.

Julian hugged himself miserably. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t stop crying. He hurt so much. This was all wrong. His whole life was just wrong.

He knew that there was one thing he needed to do. With even more tears rolling down his flushed cheeks, he scrambled awkwardly over to the drawer next to his bed. Inside, he found what he was looking for. With unsteady hands, he grabbed the tricorder and flipped the small device open.

His vision was blurred, and he had to wipe his sleeve over his eyes to clear his vision. Then he punched a series of commands into the tiny device and directed it at himself.

He needed to be certain. If he couldn’t remember by himself, there was only one way to tell what had happened between him and René last night. The last thing he remembered was René undressing him, caressing him. And the thought alone made him almost throw up.

His breath caught in his throat when he waited for the scan to finish.

He stared at the result without really seeing it.

_No traces of foreign DNA inside his body._

He blinked and checked again. But the results came back the same. There were no traces of another human being’s DNA inside his body. He felt a flutter of hope that perhaps René hadn’t touched him. That he had played his sick game and left him alone after he’d blacked out. But the small smidgen of hope was almost instantly dashed to pieces by a small voice in the back of his head, reminding him that René was a doctor and would most likely have thought of the possibility that someone would perform a scan later. He had every means to manipulate the results of a tricorder scan. And besides, there were easier ways not to leave traces of one’s own DNA in another human body.

None the wiser, Julian flung the tricorder across the room in hot fury but the hot anger in his chest was almost immediately drowned by a despair so overwhelming that it made him curl up again and hug himself. Tears were again streaming down his cheeks as he just lay there, unable to move, unable to think.

He must have fallen asleep at some point because when he woke, he had several messages that were blinking for his attention. Most of them came from Palis. A few were from Marie. He closed his eyes. Of course Palis would be worried. René had probably told her that he was called away for an emergency last night and she hadn’t heard anything from him ever since. He thought about sending her a short message that he was okay and that she shouldn’t worry about him, but he wasn’t able to form more than one sentence, so he finally gave it up.

Instead, he got up, washed his face and went out again.

All the way to the hospital, he felt hollow and numb. He walked the same way, passed the same streets and shops, but it was no longer the same. When he hurried up the broad flight of stairs into the hospital, he was greeted by some of the staff, but he turned away quickly before they could have had a closer look at him and hurried on without saying a word to anyone.

When he arrived at René’s office, he half feared that the older doctor was in surgery right now and not in his office. But he was lucky. René was there.

He burst into the office without even knocking at the door. A quick side glance told him that they were alone.

René had looked up from his work at his desk, but when he saw who was standing in the door, a broad, fatherly smile spread across his bearded features.

“What have you done to me!” Julian burst out, unable to endure the smug and arrogant look on the older doctor’s face.

René slowly stood up and came around the desk, his smile still perfectly in place. He snorted, as if he found something funny.

“I haven’t done anything to you, Julian,” he leaned back against his desk. “If you mean last night, I’m old enough to accept _No_ as an answer.”

“You’re sick! You’re fucking sick!” Julian shouted. “You drugged me last night! You brought me into your study to drug me! And then you… you…” The words wouldn’t come. He still felt too ashamed to voice what René had done to him.

“Calm down, Julian,” René shook his head. “As I told you, I haven’t done anything. You were drunk. And I couldn’t let you wander around the house in your condition. So I thought it best to let you rest. I admit that I would have preferred that you didn’t put up such a fight. As I said, it could have been a pleasurable experience for both of us. But as you so adamantly insisted that I leave you alone, I didn’t have much choice…”

Julian shook his head. “I don’t believe a word you say.” René was toying with him. As always. He was sure of it. That man knew exactly how to manipulate people and how to inflict the most pain with the easiest means.

“You undressed me! You put your hand on my mouth so that I couldn’t scream for help.”

René arched one brow. “Of course I undressed you. I couldn’t let you sleep in your clothes. You were screaming at the top of your lungs. Would you rather anyone had found you in that awkward situation?”

Julian shook his head. “You fucking kissed me!”

“As I said, I’m sorry for that. But rest assured, that the only thing you did last night after you blacked out, was sleep.”

René went over behind his desk and retrieved something out of the drawer. It was a data clip. And he handed it over to Julian.

“Here, you can watch for yourself,” he said with a smirk.

Julian felt a deep hole open up under him. “You… you _recorded_ everything?” he said in disbelief.

“Watch it and you’ll see for yourself,” René said as he moved closer to present the clip to Julian.

“NO!” Julian yelled, backing frantically away. “You’re sick! You’re the sickest person I’ve ever met!”

“And what will you do about it, Julian?” the older doctor said with a gleam in his eyes. “Will you tell Palis? Will you tell her that you almost slept with her father?” René laughed. “I wonder what she will say if she finds out.”

“No,” Julian was shaking, his face hot with humiliation. “You _drugged_ me for god’s sake. You _dragged_ me into your bedroom. You _kissed_ me and you forced yourself on me! I didn’t want any of it!”

René sighed. It was a sigh, half with affection, half with resignation. Like a father would react to the tantrum of his son. It was even worse than if he had denied everything.

“Why are you doing all this to me?” Julian’s voice dropped back to a whisper. He was shaking. “Why are you putting me through all this? What have I done to you? Why would you do all this to me?” He didn’t understand. He genuinely didn’t understand.

René smiled a sad smile, his eyes still fixed on Julian. “You really haven’t figured it out yet, have you?”

Julian’s shoulders were trembling. He had no idea what René was alluding to.

“Because I love you, Julian. You’re the son I never had,” René said, and this time he seemed to be serious.

“You wouldn’t force your own son to sleep with you, would you?” Julian gave back vigorously.

René laughed again, and Julian felt himself blush even more. “Figuratively speaking. You are not my son. And as I said, I haven’t touched you. Not in the way you think.”

When Julian kept silent, René went on. “You’re an amazing young man. You’re talented and I’m sure you’ll graduate top of your class. You’ll become a brilliant doctor. But there is only so much they can teach you at the Academy. You’re not prepared for what will await you after graduation. Honing your skills and learning as much about human and alien anatomy is one thing, but there’s so much more to being a good doctor. You have to be able to endure hard times. You have to become resilient. You have to know what your patient is going through in order to feel real sympathy and to have the real will to heal them. They don’t teach you this at school. So I took it into my own hands to give you the best education there is. You needed some toughening up.”

Julian swallowed hard. “All your talking about feeling your patient’s pain… The horseback riding accident, the corazine, my headache after surgery. That was all your work, wasn’t it? After my accident, when I was in hospital, you knew that I didn’t tolerate lorasine. Did you give me the corazine on purpose?”

René looked him straight into the eye. “I won’t give you an answer to that, Julian.”

Julian averted his gaze. He closed his eyes, completely at a loss of how on earth he should find a way out of this mess…

“So, I don’t see where the problem lies? I have to admit that I do regret that we didn’t have the chance to explore our relationship on another level. But as I said, I’m old enough to accept your answer. Now the question is, are you mature enough to move on, too?”

Julian didn’t believe his ears. His head snapped up. “W-What?!”

René came slowly closer. “There are only two ways for us to go on. Either you take our little adventure as reason to end our relationship or you move on and complete your medical training at my hospital. In the first case, I’m not sure what Starfleet Medical will say if you show up on their doorstep prematurely to report that you broke off your training. In the latter, you’ll do us both a favor and complete your training and move on to graduation.”

Julian stared at him in disbelief. “You can’t be serious…”

“Well, I am, Julian. You can either tuck your tail between your legs and run back to your school, or you’ll have the guts to move on.” René was watching him out of impassive eyes. “It’s your choice.”

He knew that René was doing it again. He knew that he was twisting the truth to make Julian feel guilty for what had happened, to make him take the fault for what René had done. He knew it. And he hated himself that it worked.

When René came closer, Julian backed away. “Don’t!” He couldn’t bear René’s proximity. Everything in him screamed at him to bring as much distance between them as possible.

René arched one brow but didn’t comment. Instead, he said: “I need you back at work in two hours. That should be time enough to cool your head off and make a decision.”

Julian hated the way the older man was talking to him. The way he was patronizing him, the way he always managed to humiliate him.

“And try to find enough time to shave and get into some fresh clothes,” René said as he turned to move back behind his desk as if he was dismissing him.

For a tension-filled second, Julian stared at the older doctor’s back. He wanted to shout at him how he dare treat him like this. He wanted to grab him by his shoulder, spin him around and yell at him what the hell he thought that he was doing. He wanted to punch that damn bastard into the face and hurt him as much as he’d hurt him. But instead of doing so, he just stood there, rooted to the spot, shaking with barely subdued fury. Because he knew that it was his only chance to save his career. He had to endure another of René’s abusive games, because if he didn’t, he’d lose everything. The choice wasn’t really his.

Without another word he spun around and stormed out of the door.

And bumped right into Palis.

The young woman looked at him with wide eyes, as if she’d not expected Julian of all people to come rushing out of her father’s office. For the fraction of a second, he worried that she might have overheard their conversation but even if she had, there was nothing he could do about it now.

“Julian…” she began, reaching out for him.

But he just flinched away.

“Julian, I’m…” he heard her soft voice and felt tears yet again threatening to overflow. But he was already past her, mumbling a quick “I’m sorry. I’ll see you tonight, Palis” with his face turned downwards so that she couldn’t see his burning cheeks, before he all but stormed down the corridor, ignoring her worried calls after him.

A few intersections down the road, he let himself drop heavily back against the wall, running his hands over his face. He was stuck in a nightmare. He knew that he should tell someone about yesterday’s events. That what René was doing to him was nothing but emotional abuse and blackmail. But he couldn’t find a way out. His only chance was to tell Marin tonight. He’d hold out until then. Somehow he’d hold out. She’d know what to do. She always did.

He kept telling himself that he would be fine. And finally, he found enough strength to will himself to move. Like an automaton he went back to his apartment, stumbled into the shower and shaved. He changed into some fresh clothes and after another hour, he headed back to the hospital – just as René had told him.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 10**

_Paris, December 25 th, 2368 – afternoon_

The next hours he worked in a stupor, like on autopilot. He went seeing his patients, donning a forced smile, trying not to think beyond what his work required of him. Some of his colleagues seemed to notice his unusual behavior, and not only once someone stopped him to ask him if he was alright.

He would return a polite nod and tell them that he was fine. That he felt a little tired after Christmas Eve but that it was nothing a little sleep wouldn’t cure. And to his great relief, most of his colleagues left it at that.

Until he was suddenly called back in the corridor by a familiar voice.

“Julian!”

He startled, turning in spite of himself. And noticed with dismay that it was Michael who came jogging toward him. He’d tried to avoid the other doctor so far, not trusting himself to get through a conversation with Michael without crumpling under the memory of last night’s events. But Michael wasn’t stupid. He must have noticed by now how much Julian was going out of his way to not cross his path ever since he came so unexpectedly on shift this morning. Of course Michael must have noticed that something was not right. Goodness, he couldn’t deal with Michael right now. He felt his heart beath up into his mouth.

“Julian,” the other doctor said as he came closer, slightly panting as if he had been running. His face was drawn into a worried frown. “I…” he hesitated awkwardly as if he wasn’t sure how to begin, “I was wondering, if everything is alright…?”

“W-What do you mean?” Julian gave back almost in reflex, instantly hating himself for his stammer. Too fast. He’d only make him more suspicious. He backed up a subtle step, almost unconsciously bringing more distance between them. “I’m fine,” he said in a gruff voice, hoping that Michael would just let the subject drop.

But Michael didn’t look as if he was going to just let the matter rest.

“I’m sorry, Michael, but there’s a patient I need to tend to,” Julian tried to cut the conversation short, already about to turn. But then Michael suddenly reached for his arm to hold him back and the sudden touch made a jolt course through him. Before he knew, he’d batted Michael's hand away, stumbling backwards.

Stunned, the other doctor knit his brows. If he hadn’t been alarmed before, he definitely was now. “Julian? What’s wrong?”

Julian stared at him defiantly. “Nothing. I’m fine.”

“But you don’t look fine. And anyone in this hospital can tell that you’re not yourself!” Michael didn’t make any attempt to near him, obviously aware that it was the last thing he needed right now. “You were supposed to have the day off. What are you doing here anyway?”

“I was summoned by Dr. Delon. It was his idea. Just ask him,” Julian gave back before he knew it. His heart was thumping painfully in his chest.

“René… what happened between you two?”

It was a simple question, but the words tore into him like a knife. He couldn’t breathe. For a dreadfully long moment, he just stood there, his shoulders trembling, unable to form a reply. He felt his throat constrict painfully and felt unshed tears burn behind his eyes.

“I’m telling you, I’m fine. Just leave it at that,” he finally pressed out.

But Michael wouldn’t back down so easily, as if he was aware that this time the matter was serious. “What did René do? You were supposed to be with Palis today, you weren’t supposed to come back to work until tomorrow. And suddenly you show up unexpectedly but something’s utterly wrong. You’re not yourself and you look awful. You would push everyone who asks you about it away. Did you know that Palis contacted me this morning, asking me if everything was alright because you obviously were called away by an emergency last night during René’s Christmas Party and she hasn’t seen or heard from you since yesterday evening? She was worried sick about you.”

“Just leave it!” Julian snapped more vigorously this time, feeling a strange mix of anger and panic churning in his stomach.

“What happened last night? Where have you been?” Michael held steadily, fixing him with his eyes.

“That’s none of your business!” Julian shouted all of a sudden. He was standing with his back against a wall. “Just leave me alone!” Some part of him was longing to tell Michael the truth but it was deafened by the rational part in his mind that was telling him that he would never be able to go back if he told him the truth now. He’d once and for all dash every hope and dream he’d worked so hard for these last few years. He couldn’t tell Michael the truth. And he had to end this conversation before Michael found out by himself.

“Julian, please…” Michael pleaded, open dismay written over his face, “…let me help you.”

“No!” Julian backed up another step.

“I don’t need your help. There’s nothing anyone can do anyway!” he said bitterly, struggling to hold back new tears. He turned away quickly before Michael could see the moisture in his eyes. He was a mess. God, he shouldn’t be here right now. In his present condition, he probably would do more harm than good. He was such a failure as a doctor. God, he was so pathetic. His voice was barely above a whisper when he finally said: “I’m just tired. It was a long night, involving lots of alcohol and I’m just not quite myself today, that’s all. Just leave it.” With that he turned without another word and hurried down the corridor, praying that Michael wouldn’t follow because he wasn’t sure he could look into his sympathetic face again without breaking into tears.

To his great relief, Michael didn’t follow. When he had made sure that he was alone, he slowed his pace, and headed right for the next storage room. There he locked the door, let himself drop back against the door and slid down until he sat on the floor, knees drawn up to his chin. He took several deep breaths, forcing himself to calm down. _Don’t think_. There were a dozen of people out there who needed him right now, he couldn’t allow himself to give in to his pain just yet. So he pushed his emotions into the farthest corner of his mind – and locked them there. He needed to go on. Just as René had said. He was far from having any choice in this matter.

He stayed there for several long minutes before he found enough strength to struggle up and move again. He made a conscious effort to avoid any eye contact when he hurried down to his next patient’s room, silently praying that his horror was not written all over his face.

It was already late in the afternoon when his eyes searched the chronometer for the first time. It was nearly 1700 hours. With a queasy feeling in his stomach, he thought about what he’d tell Palis. He couldn’t avoid her forever and he knew that he was due for an explanation. But how on Earth should he explain to her what had happened? What a freak her father was? How should he explain to her why he had disappeared from one minute to the other? Why he hadn’t even tried to find a free minute to contact her during work to tell her that he was okay? He felt even worse than before, rubbing his eyes, at a complete loss what to do…

It was when he went over to the replicator to order another cup of coffee to keep him going that someone came suddenly storming through the door of the break room. It was Magdalena. And from the look on her face, Julian knew that something must have happened. He half feared she too would make a comment about his strange behavior today but what she had to tell him was even worse.

“Julian, I’ve finally found you,” she panted, her usual gentle face white as chalk. “You have to come. It’s Palis. They just brought her in.”

For a short second, Julian’s mind struggled to grasp what Magdalena was telling him. What it meant that she had _just been brought in._ But then the information clicked into place and the cup of coffee almost slipped from his hands. He set the cup back down on the table even as he hurried after Magdalena who didn’t even need to be told to lead him to her.

They rushed down to the emergency ward. Julian felt his heartbeat frantically in his chest. Blood was rushing in his ears, adrenaline pumping through his veins. He had no idea what had happened, his mind still refusing to believe what Magdalena had told him.

They arrived only minutes later. When he stormed into the emergency ward, the first thing he saw, were people gathered around a biobed, shouting orders to each other, with Palis’ slender and unmoving form in their middle. He ploughed through the crowd, his only thought that he had to get to his fiancée.

But when the throng of people finally parted, what he saw made the blood freeze in his veins.

Her arms were covered in blood. She was wearing the same dress as a few hours earlier, but it was now stained a dark crimson.

His heart stopped dead in his chest. All blood drained from his face.

“W-What happened? W-What happened to her?” he heard himself shout as if from far away.

He tried to round the bed to have a closer look at what was wrong with her, but he was suddenly pulled back. It was Michael, who’d come up behind him and suddenly grasped him by his shoulders. “Julian, don’t. There’s nothing you can do for her. Let them do their job.”

He wouldn’t listen. “No, she’s my fiancée!” he shouted again, suddenly overwhelmed by fear. His only thought was that he couldn’t lose her. He couldn’t lose her. God, what had happened?! “Let me see her. I can help her!” He struggled to free himself from Michael’s grip. He only knew that he had to get to her.

But Michael was pulling him farther away from the crowd, still grasping him tightly by his shoulders. “She is your fiancée but you’re in no condition to tend to her right now. They’ll take care of her. She’s alive, that’s all that matters.”

Julian felt sick. There was so much blood. How could he know that she was alive? She looked so ashen. And the blood stood out so ludicrously bright against her fair skin. Oh god, he couldn’t let her die.

He felt himself being steered clear of the room. Michael was guiding him back out into the corridor, telling him that there was nothing he could do for her right now. Julian only half listened. His mind was captured in an icy horror. The second time on that day. He couldn’t even think clearly. Not beyond the simple fact that his fiancée was lying in the emergency ward, her slender body blood soaked and unmoving.

“What the hell happened!?”

René Delon came running down the corridor toward them, his white lab tunic billowing out behind him. His face was ashen, his features twisted into an ugly grimace. Julian only stared at him blankly as he came closer. For the first time since he’d known him, he saw something on the older man’s face he’d never seen there before: fear.

“They are tending to her right now, René,” Michael quickly stepped forward and held both hands up as if to calm the older doctor.

But René didn’t really listen. His eyes fixed on Julian, his face hot with fury.

“What the hell have you done to my daughter!?” René shouted as he all of a sudden backhanded Julian across the face with such a force that it knocked the young man back against the wall. A second later, another punch threw his face to the other side. Strong hands were grabbing him by his collar, shaking him violently.

“What did you do to her?!” Another punch that made stars explode in Julian’s vision. And suddenly the hands that held him released their grip around his collar and Julian went down to the ground. His legs just gave way.

“René, stop it!” Michael had grabbed for the older man’s shoulders, dragging René away from him. Julian coughed, and tasted blood. He wiped the blood from his nose with the back of his hand, and the sight of it made him sick to his stomach.

“That’s your fault, Julian! What the hell have you done to her?” René shouted in rage. “She’s your fiancée for god’s sake. How could you let this happen? What did you do to her? What the hell is wrong with you?”

Julian just cowered there on the floor, unable to move. Something about René’s words had struck a chord deep within him, something that now clutched at his heart, making it impossible for him to react to the older man’s tirade. So he just endured it. Like a child, helpless and at the mercy of his parents. He knew that by now passers-by had stopped to see what was going on. All eyes were fixed on him and René.

“He hasn’t done anything, René!” Michael held Palis’ father back, even while the older man struggled to free himself from his grip. “They just brought her in. She’s stable. I will tell you everything I know but you must calm down.”

“She’s lying in ER for god’s sake,” René shouted again at Julian, “and if she dies it will be your fault. And your fault alone!”

“What happened is nobody’ fault! Now calm down, René!”

With a derisive sneer, the older man finally relented, jerking his arm out of Michael’s grip. But he didn’t make any further attempt to launch himself at Julian. Instead, he stormed back down the corridor. Even when he was out of sight, Julian couldn’t move. He just sat there, staring unmoving at the floor, hugging his knees to his chest. He was shaking violently.

“Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry, Julian.” Michael was crouching down next to him, quickly inspecting his injuries. He produced something from the pocket of his lab tunic and commanded Julian press it under his nose. Julian complied without questioning the order.

“I need to see after René, but I promise I’ll be back as soon as I can!” Michael looked seriously troubled, as if he was anything but keen on leaving Julian alone in his condition. “Magdalena will take care of you. Let her tend to your injuries. I’ll be with you as soon as I can.”

He hadn’t seen the older nurse approach. She suddenly was next to him, gently helping him to his feet. “Come on, you’re shivering all over,” she said to him, as she guided him to another room.

Afterwards, he couldn’t remember her stopping the bleeding of his nose, but she must have as his face was clean when they stepped out into the crisp air outside the hospital. “There, you need some fresh air. Take your time. Michael will be here as soon as he can.”

Julian didn’t even nod. He felt numb. He was standing in front of the hospital entrance, his mind wiped clear of any thoughts. He would have kept standing there in the cold night air for who knew how long if not a sudden voice had drawn him back to the here-and-now.

“Julian!”

He turned in spite of himself.

And saw Marin running toward him.

When she came to a halt in front of him, and saw his pale and lifeless features, she wrapped her arms around him and drew him into a tight embrace.

“I’m here, Julian. I’m sorry that I couldn’t come earlier. But I’m here now.”

Ever so slowly, he lifted his arms to return the embrace. He clung to her, burying his face against her shoulder. And finally let go of the terrified sobs he’d managed to suppress so far.

“Ssh, everything’s okay,” Marin gently stroked over his hair. “What happened?”

He was too worked up to answer at first. He just couldn’t stop crying. His only thought was of Palis, the blood on her body and her lifeless form before his eyes. He shook violently, tears streaming down his face as he clung to her, as if she were the only steading thing in a world that had so suddenly come apart. It was all too much. He couldn’t take any more of it.

Marin was patient. She held him, murmuring gentle words, stroking his back.

“It’s Palis…” he brought forth after what seemed like an eternity. “Something happened. I-I don’t want to lose her. I can’t bear losing her.”

He felt Marin release the embrace. She was searching his face, with a frow. “Did she have an accident?” she gently tried but suddenly exclaimed when she saw him close up: “What happened to your face?!”

“I-I…” he choked, still more tears streaming down his face. He knew that he was coming apart but there was nothing he could do about it. “She was brought into ER. There was so much blood. I-I don’t know what happened. She was full of blood. And she didn’t move.”

“Did any of the doctors say what happened?” Marin frowned.

He shook his head, sniffling. “I-I don’t know. René threw me out before I could ask. He hit me, and yelled at me, and said that it was all my fault.”

She bent forward in alarm. “He did what?”

“It’s all my fault,” he blurted. “I should have been there for her. But I wasn’t and…”

She grabbed for his hands, squeezing them. “No, no, no, no, no. Stop it right there, Julian. Whatever happened is _not your fault_.” And with a quick look around, she pulled him with her. “Come. Let’s get you out of the cold first.”

She must have noticed that he was shivering all over. He still wore only his medical uniform, and the sun had already set. He followed her down the stairs and over the street, into a small and cozy café on the other side. He kept his head down, trying not to meet anyone’s questioning gazes. Marin steered him to a table at one side of the café, seating him with his back toward the rest of the room to allow them some privacy. Then she went over to the counter. When she came back, she held a steaming mug of hot chocolate.

“Here,” she said as she sat the mug in front of him. “You’re freezing.” And placing a warm hand over his, she said: “Now let me get this straight. You were working at the hospital when they brought Palis in, but you don’t have any idea what could have happened. Before you could ask, her father threw you out, blaming her accident on you.”

He nodded.

“Okay, I’ll go and check. You stay here and warm up a bit. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” With that she drew herself up and headed back toward the hospital.

Julian just stared numbly at the steaming mug in his hands, his mind wiped blank. He was no longer able to think, or perhaps his mind had simply shut down because if he thought about anything right now he would only realize how irreparable his world had come apart and he would break under the pressure after all that had happened to him since yesterday evening. So he kept staring at this mug, his insides all twisted and numb. He didn’t know how long Marin was gone. It could have been minutes or hours, it wouldn’t have made any difference. But suddenly she was back, her cheeks flushed as if she had been running.

When she sat down opposite him, she took a deep breath. She seemed to muse upon how to start.

“It was no accident,” she finally said and by the look in her eyes he immediately knew that the news wouldn’t be pleasant. “They… say it was a suicide attempt.”

Julian’s head snapped up at this. It was the last thing he’d expected to hear. He felt his head stop dead in his chest. “W-What?”

“She cut both her wrists. She was in her father’s house when one of the maids found her. That’s why there was so much blood on her. They immediately brought her over, fearing the worst but they were lucky. She lost a lot of blood but she’s stable so far.”

He’d imagined much – but certainly not with this. He felt a dark hole open up in his heart. If she had tried to take her life, it was his fault. He knew her better than anyone. He should have known that she had problems. He should have seen this coming. He should have stopped her. He should have been there for her. Why hadn’t he noticed? God, he couldn’t believe that he hadn’t noticed. His chest tightened painfully.

As if she had read his thoughts, Marin gently took his hands in hers.

“Julian,” she said, imploringly. “Just think about it. She cut her wrists. She was a medical student. Even if she completed only the first year and left medical school after that, she still has a lot of medical knowledge. Any student in their first year at medical school would have known where to place the knife to make it a quick end. But she didn’t.” Marin took a deep breath, fixing him with her eyes. “She cut her wrists, but in a way that made sure she would live. I don’t think she intended to take her life.”

Images of Palis doing this to herself popped up in his mind. His gentle, soft-hearted fiancée who wouldn’t hurt a fly, taking a knife to do those gruesome things to herself. All the more, it was his fault. Why hadn’t she talked to him? Why hadn’t she told him what was wrong? No matter what Marin said, René was right. All this was his fault.

“I arranged you can go see her tomorrow morning,” Marin said. “They said her condition was not critical. But they refused to let anyone see her right now.”

“Thank you,” was everything he brought forth. He closed his eyes and buried his face in his hands.

“What else did her father do to you?” It were Marin’s gentle words that made him finally look at her.

“A lot of nasty things,” he said, intending to make it sound like a joke but failing miserably at it.

And then he told her. He told her of the first weeks. Of how René had forced him to work double shifts. Of how he had rendered him so tired and drained that every new day had felt like an insurmountable obstacle.

He told her of how René used to humiliate him in front of others. Of how much pleasure it obviously brought the older doctor to undermine his confidence, to make him feel like a complete failure.

Of how he had promised Julian to give him a post in his hospital and make him head of surgery should he accept his offer and stay at his hospital after graduation. How he had praised his talents, at the same time yelling at him for doing things wrong in the presence of his other staff.

He told her of his accident doing horseback riding. Of René’s strange believes that a doctor had to know the pain of his patients. And how an accident in his treatment had let to him lying in ICU.

And he told her of Christmas Eve. How René had invited them to spend Christmas with him and his family. How René had managed under a pretext to bring him to his study. How he had drugged him and kissed him and dragged him into his bedroom. How Julian had tried to get away from René and the pleasure it had obviously brought the older man to watch Julian struggle.

How he’d woken the next morning without recollection of what had happened between them the night before. And how it had driven him to stumble outside, running back to his apartment and contacting her because he didn’t have any idea what to do.

How he hadn’t been able to endure the uncertainty and run a tricorder scan on his own body. How he had run back to René and confronted him. How René had acted as if he’d done the most natural thing in the world. How he’d made Julian feel guilty for overreacting. How he’d threatened him into continuing his work at the hospital.

And he’d told her about the open fury in René’s eyes when he’d heard of his daughter’s accident. How he’d blamed everything on Julian. How he’d lashed out at him, hitting him in the face that it took another doctor to step in and protect him from the assault.

Only when he suddenly lapsed into silence, suddenly drained from recalling all the terrible weeks he’d spent with René, did Marin raise her voice.

“And you are sure that he didn’t touch you any further?” She looked taken aback, her face a mask of disbelief and shock. As if she couldn’t believe what he’d gone through the last weeks.

He swallowed. “I don’t know. I think he told the truth. But I don’t know. I couldn’t bring myself to take the clip he offered me to testify it with my own eyes. I don’t think I can bear watching myself struggle against him.”

“Julian, I’m so sorry,” the young woman next to him said. Her eyes were full of sadness. “I didn’t know what you went through. I just wish someone had noticed earlier. I don’t know why no one at the hospital said anything. They surely must have noticed your unhealthy relationship. Someone surely must have been aware of what René was doing to you.”

Julian closed his eyes. His shoulders slumped. Deep down he’d always known that his relationship with René wasn’t a healthy one. But he’d been full of resolution to endure whatever hard times René put him through for Palis. He’d do anything for her. He’d closed his eyes to the truth, refusing to acknowledge René’s abusive behavior all these past weeks.

“I guess they did. They couldn’t do much about René – but they kept telling me that it wasn’t my fault. That René was the problem. There’s one doctor, Michael, who always stepped in for me whenever I had trouble with René.” He blinked the moisture in his eyes away. “He always suspected that something’s not right. He tried to warn me. But in the end, it was all useless…”

Marin squeezed his hands in comfort. Then she took a deep breath. “Come, I’ll bring you home. It’s getting late and you’re an awful sight.”

He only nodded.

When they arrived at his apartment, Marin went straight into the kitchen to make some tea, promising him that she would stay until the next day and accompany him to see Palis in hospital. Julian was grateful for her offer. He wasn’t sure what would be waiting for him, and he was scared.

He curled up on the couch while he listened to Marin working in the kitchen. For the first time in hours, he felt all the built-up tension release. His mind drifted off and he was dimly aware that she was asking him something.

But he didn’t answer. Way past the edge of fatigue, he’d already fallen into a dreamless slumber.


End file.
